Hello,
TLDR: I need help and support working through my husband's affair. How do I stop obsessing over the details? How do I stop replaying them over and over to the point where I make myself sick? How do I trust him - that he's told me everything, that he's truly remorseful, and that he will really never do this again? He is not the person I thought he was and this has shaken me to the core. How do I move past this and forgive? I'm pleading for advice and reassurance that there's hope - for my sanity and my marriage. I would love to hear how others were able to reconcile. I'd love to know that it's possible to heal. Thank you all so much for your help, any that you can offer.
Lengthy back story:
I found out about a month and a half ago that my husband of 4 years (couple/lived together for 10) had been having an online cyber/emotional affair since the beginning of the year, about 4 months total. I am devastated. I found out shortly after D day that I am pregnant. We have a 3 year old daughter and have been planning to have another for quite some time. The timing is terrible, and I can honestly say that I am not the least bit happy about this baby considering the timing and discovery. It breaks my heart to say that - we had been planning this for so long.
The affair was with a remote coworker. He claims that they never met in person (we are in WA, and she in CA - his work is remote so they met as such). After a few months, she sought him out and friended him on Facebook. It was less than a month before the messages between them turned in appropriate. He started the sexual dialogue, she merely had to open the door and show him a bit of attention and flirtation. Most of their messaging back and forth was done in snap chat, so I can't see he nature of it at all. There was enough in Facebook messages to see what was happening. It was very graphic and sickens me to this day to think about. They had discussions about meeting, but it never panned out (evidently our family vacation fell inconveniently on top of her planned trip up here). He claims that he never intended to meet her, but merely kept up the "lip service" so she would continue to hang around and pay attention to him (and help get him off). He says he cared about her but also that, to a degree, he thoug of her as "interactive porn". Like that should make me feel better.
When I found out, he scrambled to cover details. He tried to get into Facebook and delete the evidence but I changed his password before he could. I read everything that was there. It was damning. He managed to cover up his Skype account, but didn't think to delete browser history, so I found that about a month later. Because I can't see any snap chat history, I don't know how often or far they went. I know he showed and did everything, but he says she never showed/did more than waist up. I feel this uncontrollable urge to know everything. His actions are SO FAR departed from the person I thought he was and it is literally driving me insane trying to reconcile the person he is with who I thought he was. I want to understand all that he is capable of. Phone sex? Did they talk about me? My daughter? What intimate details does this person now share with my husband that I have no knowledge of? I thought I knew him so well. I honestly had no idea that anything was wrong in the mar riage. I'd have told anyone who would listen how wonderful and devoted a husband and father he was. Catching him in this has been more painful to me than my father dying last year, honestly.
His story changed for the first month after d day. First they only talked. Then they dirty talked. Then he showed things only from waist up. Then he showed it all but never any videos, then videos of everything. She only showed cleavage. Then bare chested, then a video. More and more kept coming out and it's like "d day" dragged on forever. When I discovered the Skype account I told him that he had one last chance to come clean and I made it clear that I knew he was hiding more, but didn't tell him what I knew. I think that finally got everything to come out, but I am just feeling so incredibly hurt and burned by the entire ordeal and repeated lying. I worry there is more he hasn't divulged.
He has expressed remorse, opened his phone up to me, changed his phone number, ended things with her (rather brutally, at my request), and is complying with requests I make as they come up. He seems to genuinely want to make our marriage better and work through this. Deep in my heart, I love him and I know that's why this hurts so much. We are in therapy, individual for both of us and marriage as well. It feels so slow going and I don't know what to do with all these horrible emotions. I feel obligated to try and reconcile for my kid(s) and because I don't think I will ever trust another man again. The devil I know vs. the devil I don't know. After all, infidelity rates are pretty drastic. I also don't want to be alone, and the thought of throwing away 10 years of my life is depressing and scary.
What I am looking for here is reassurance. Please see my TLDR above for additional asks of all of you. I'm just so incredibly heart broken, and I can't stop thinking about the things he did, and feeling as though I can never trust him again.
Ps: as you can imagine, I'm incredibly mad at the OW. I reached out to her after I first learned of this via text and I just wanted to know why. You may not believe it, but I was incredibly polite and cordial, given the situation. She never responded. I just want to understand why she did this. She knew he was married and had a kid and she gunned for him anyway. He's a horrible person and fed into it, but she was intentional. I know she has a boyfriend, but I don't know who. I have snooped on her Facebook - I really think the poor guy should know. But she has 600+ friends (really?). I've entertained thoughts of messaging all of them (maybe at least parents) to tell them what she's capable of, to ask that they let him know, and to warn any of them with spouses of the kind of person she is. I know that sounds awful and petty and even though the ugly places in my mind entertain the idea, I've yet to act on it. I want justice, but at what cost? So how do I let those feelings go, along with everything else? Would it be the most horrible thing to out her? I'm not talking about slitting tires or boiling bunnies, but it really feels like she just get out of this whole situation without a single scratch, while my husband and I suffered a nuclear attack.
Please help.
TLDR: I need help and support working through my husband's affair. How do I stop obsessing over the details? How do I stop replaying them over and over to the point where I make myself sick? How do I trust him - that he's told me everything, that he's truly remorseful, and that he will really never do this again? He is not the person I thought he was and this has shaken me to the core. How do I move past this and forgive? I'm pleading for advice and reassurance that there's hope - for my sanity and my marriage. I would love to hear how others were able to reconcile. I'd love to know that it's possible to heal. Thank you all so much for your help, any that you can offer.
Lengthy back story:
I found out about a month and a half ago that my husband of 4 years (couple/lived together for 10) had been having an online cyber/emotional affair since the beginning of the year, about 4 months total. I am devastated. I found out shortly after D day that I am pregnant. We have a 3 year old daughter and have been planning to have another for quite some time. The timing is terrible, and I can honestly say that I am not the least bit happy about this baby considering the timing and discovery. It breaks my heart to say that - we had been planning this for so long.
The affair was with a remote coworker. He claims that they never met in person (we are in WA, and she in CA - his work is remote so they met as such). After a few months, she sought him out and friended him on Facebook. It was less than a month before the messages between them turned in appropriate. He started the sexual dialogue, she merely had to open the door and show him a bit of attention and flirtation. Most of their messaging back and forth was done in snap chat, so I can't see he nature of it at all. There was enough in Facebook messages to see what was happening. It was very graphic and sickens me to this day to think about. They had discussions about meeting, but it never panned out (evidently our family vacation fell inconveniently on top of her planned trip up here). He claims that he never intended to meet her, but merely kept up the "lip service" so she would continue to hang around and pay attention to him (and help get him off). He says he cared about her but also that, to a degree, he thoug of her as "interactive porn". Like that should make me feel better.
When I found out, he scrambled to cover details. He tried to get into Facebook and delete the evidence but I changed his password before he could. I read everything that was there. It was damning. He managed to cover up his Skype account, but didn't think to delete browser history, so I found that about a month later. Because I can't see any snap chat history, I don't know how often or far they went. I know he showed and did everything, but he says she never showed/did more than waist up. I feel this uncontrollable urge to know everything. His actions are SO FAR departed from the person I thought he was and it is literally driving me insane trying to reconcile the person he is with who I thought he was. I want to understand all that he is capable of. Phone sex? Did they talk about me? My daughter? What intimate details does this person now share with my husband that I have no knowledge of? I thought I knew him so well. I honestly had no idea that anything was wrong in the mar riage. I'd have told anyone who would listen how wonderful and devoted a husband and father he was. Catching him in this has been more painful to me than my father dying last year, honestly.
His story changed for the first month after d day. First they only talked. Then they dirty talked. Then he showed things only from waist up. Then he showed it all but never any videos, then videos of everything. She only showed cleavage. Then bare chested, then a video. More and more kept coming out and it's like "d day" dragged on forever. When I discovered the Skype account I told him that he had one last chance to come clean and I made it clear that I knew he was hiding more, but didn't tell him what I knew. I think that finally got everything to come out, but I am just feeling so incredibly hurt and burned by the entire ordeal and repeated lying. I worry there is more he hasn't divulged.
He has expressed remorse, opened his phone up to me, changed his phone number, ended things with her (rather brutally, at my request), and is complying with requests I make as they come up. He seems to genuinely want to make our marriage better and work through this. Deep in my heart, I love him and I know that's why this hurts so much. We are in therapy, individual for both of us and marriage as well. It feels so slow going and I don't know what to do with all these horrible emotions. I feel obligated to try and reconcile for my kid(s) and because I don't think I will ever trust another man again. The devil I know vs. the devil I don't know. After all, infidelity rates are pretty drastic. I also don't want to be alone, and the thought of throwing away 10 years of my life is depressing and scary.
What I am looking for here is reassurance. Please see my TLDR above for additional asks of all of you. I'm just so incredibly heart broken, and I can't stop thinking about the things he did, and feeling as though I can never trust him again.
Ps: as you can imagine, I'm incredibly mad at the OW. I reached out to her after I first learned of this via text and I just wanted to know why. You may not believe it, but I was incredibly polite and cordial, given the situation. She never responded. I just want to understand why she did this. She knew he was married and had a kid and she gunned for him anyway. He's a horrible person and fed into it, but she was intentional. I know she has a boyfriend, but I don't know who. I have snooped on her Facebook - I really think the poor guy should know. But she has 600+ friends (really?). I've entertained thoughts of messaging all of them (maybe at least parents) to tell them what she's capable of, to ask that they let him know, and to warn any of them with spouses of the kind of person she is. I know that sounds awful and petty and even though the ugly places in my mind entertain the idea, I've yet to act on it. I want justice, but at what cost? So how do I let those feelings go, along with everything else? Would it be the most horrible thing to out her? I'm not talking about slitting tires or boiling bunnies, but it really feels like she just get out of this whole situation without a single scratch, while my husband and I suffered a nuclear attack.
Please help.
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