This is EXCEPTIONALLY long and I apologize in advance :(.
I love my husband to death, I do, but an argument we had in the past before getting married completely destroyed every ounce of confidence I had in myself. It all started when he was going to meet my parents for the first time. Now as background, a few months before meeting my now husband, I had a "friend with benefits" (I never talked to him much outside the context of this arrangement so "friends" is too liberal a word) whose mother I had always been close with. That was a mouthful. She's a genuinely nice person and one of the few people I made an effort to connect with. Already, I'm sure you can see where this is going. So I mentioned that he may be meeting her as my family attends a relatively large gathering for both Christmas and New Years in which both she and possibly her son may be in attendance. Nothing terribly formal, but more of a "hey, this is the man I might be marrying" kind of thing. As you can imagine, that didn't go over well. He didn't speak to me for days and for some time, I was sure he decided he wasn't going to fly down to meet my parents, but he eventually did. After essentially begging him not to get into a fight with either the former FWB or his mother, he attended the function. However, during this time, he also refused to touch me and when I tried to, he would sweep my hands away. When he did manage to look at me, it made me feel sick. I've never had anyone look at me with as much disgust as he did those few days. That's not something you forget. How can you possibly love someone and be that disgusted by them?
We did eventually manage to get through this visit and somewhat made up. However, it remained an issue for months after we got married. He gave me an ultimatum- choose her or choose him. Clearly, I "chose" him, but it makes me feel so incredibly guilty because that required me to be awful to a woman who has literally done nothing wrong and who took the time to befriend me which is no easy task. I used to value my kindness and I feel like that no longer applies. My family is also very close with this woman and her husband and have asked me on a number of occasions to give her a call or invite her to dinner when I visit and wonder why I'm being so selfish by not reaching out to her. As someone who hates conflict and does not cope very well with it, this is an impossible situation to be in because I value the feelings of others and I either hurt my husband or I hurt this woman. When I explained this, his response was that she wouldn't like me at all if I knew what I did with her son, which might be true, but having it verbalized made me feel even worse about myself as though liking me as a person is contingent on an idea of me that doesn't exist.
However, this is just one aspect of this argument. The other is that he was so thoroughly disgusted by the idea of me having a FWB (though he has had FAR more sexual partners than I have). He pried in ways that were unhealthy, asking me specific positions, size comparisons, etc. I tried my best to explain that my past was my past and the intimate details of it was not important and quite frankly, none of his business. However, he grew more and more upset claiming that my not telling him more, I was saying I had feelings for this guy and demanded that I divulge for "his sake" as he claimed it made him feel better. I kept the details as light and nondescript as I could, but this only led to more questions. This continued for months, often times asking questions that had been answered numerous times before. He would say that I was being selfish to my parents for participating in the arrangement which is true, but there is a certain amount of selfishness and stupidity that youth affords. His words got more and more hurtful and it felt like walking on eggshells to avoid bringing anything up that could possibly relate back to the situation. It got to the point where he demanded the number of the FWB (which was task finding after I had long since deleted it) months after any kind of contact and threatened him. He would have apparently be "done" with the relationship if I hadn't supplied him with this information. Now the threat itself I feel was childish and unnecessary, however, I'm someone who has a great amount of pride and values the dignity of moving on. But by doing what he did, I feel as though he undermined that and gave a good amount of control to someone outside our marriage who really wasn't important to me. Essentially, after being completely unaware of the impact he was having on my marriage, the former FWB was made known of the enormous consternation he was causing. I don't like giving anyone who isn't important to me the satisfaction of even thinking they are and my pride was severely shot by that.
In the first 4 months of our marriage, he treated me awfully because of this. He eventually admitted this and apologized for his behavior. I forgave him, but after months of being berated over my past and made to feel irreparably damaged and unclean, I feel deeply ashamed of myself and have lost the self worth that I so effortlessly had before meeting him. I dread visiting my parents not just because I know there is a big possibility this will come up again, but also because maintaining my marriage (by ignoring the woman) also means being a person I don't like and don't recognize. Did I mention I hate conflicts? I used to be comfortable with my sexuality, but after months and months of exhaustively dissecting my (brief) sexual past, I feel completely disgusted by it and can no longer fully enjoy it. When he tells me he loves me, I feel that he's doing so in spite of me and not because of me.
Before I'm misunderstood, I don't at all blame him for feeling the way he did. His actions could have been a lot more understanding, but it was a difficult situation to be in. I get that. But how do I get over this and reconcile my personality with his demands? How do I not feel completely worthless? Have any of you been in a similar situation?
I love my husband to death, I do, but an argument we had in the past before getting married completely destroyed every ounce of confidence I had in myself. It all started when he was going to meet my parents for the first time. Now as background, a few months before meeting my now husband, I had a "friend with benefits" (I never talked to him much outside the context of this arrangement so "friends" is too liberal a word) whose mother I had always been close with. That was a mouthful. She's a genuinely nice person and one of the few people I made an effort to connect with. Already, I'm sure you can see where this is going. So I mentioned that he may be meeting her as my family attends a relatively large gathering for both Christmas and New Years in which both she and possibly her son may be in attendance. Nothing terribly formal, but more of a "hey, this is the man I might be marrying" kind of thing. As you can imagine, that didn't go over well. He didn't speak to me for days and for some time, I was sure he decided he wasn't going to fly down to meet my parents, but he eventually did. After essentially begging him not to get into a fight with either the former FWB or his mother, he attended the function. However, during this time, he also refused to touch me and when I tried to, he would sweep my hands away. When he did manage to look at me, it made me feel sick. I've never had anyone look at me with as much disgust as he did those few days. That's not something you forget. How can you possibly love someone and be that disgusted by them?
We did eventually manage to get through this visit and somewhat made up. However, it remained an issue for months after we got married. He gave me an ultimatum- choose her or choose him. Clearly, I "chose" him, but it makes me feel so incredibly guilty because that required me to be awful to a woman who has literally done nothing wrong and who took the time to befriend me which is no easy task. I used to value my kindness and I feel like that no longer applies. My family is also very close with this woman and her husband and have asked me on a number of occasions to give her a call or invite her to dinner when I visit and wonder why I'm being so selfish by not reaching out to her. As someone who hates conflict and does not cope very well with it, this is an impossible situation to be in because I value the feelings of others and I either hurt my husband or I hurt this woman. When I explained this, his response was that she wouldn't like me at all if I knew what I did with her son, which might be true, but having it verbalized made me feel even worse about myself as though liking me as a person is contingent on an idea of me that doesn't exist.
However, this is just one aspect of this argument. The other is that he was so thoroughly disgusted by the idea of me having a FWB (though he has had FAR more sexual partners than I have). He pried in ways that were unhealthy, asking me specific positions, size comparisons, etc. I tried my best to explain that my past was my past and the intimate details of it was not important and quite frankly, none of his business. However, he grew more and more upset claiming that my not telling him more, I was saying I had feelings for this guy and demanded that I divulge for "his sake" as he claimed it made him feel better. I kept the details as light and nondescript as I could, but this only led to more questions. This continued for months, often times asking questions that had been answered numerous times before. He would say that I was being selfish to my parents for participating in the arrangement which is true, but there is a certain amount of selfishness and stupidity that youth affords. His words got more and more hurtful and it felt like walking on eggshells to avoid bringing anything up that could possibly relate back to the situation. It got to the point where he demanded the number of the FWB (which was task finding after I had long since deleted it) months after any kind of contact and threatened him. He would have apparently be "done" with the relationship if I hadn't supplied him with this information. Now the threat itself I feel was childish and unnecessary, however, I'm someone who has a great amount of pride and values the dignity of moving on. But by doing what he did, I feel as though he undermined that and gave a good amount of control to someone outside our marriage who really wasn't important to me. Essentially, after being completely unaware of the impact he was having on my marriage, the former FWB was made known of the enormous consternation he was causing. I don't like giving anyone who isn't important to me the satisfaction of even thinking they are and my pride was severely shot by that.
In the first 4 months of our marriage, he treated me awfully because of this. He eventually admitted this and apologized for his behavior. I forgave him, but after months of being berated over my past and made to feel irreparably damaged and unclean, I feel deeply ashamed of myself and have lost the self worth that I so effortlessly had before meeting him. I dread visiting my parents not just because I know there is a big possibility this will come up again, but also because maintaining my marriage (by ignoring the woman) also means being a person I don't like and don't recognize. Did I mention I hate conflicts? I used to be comfortable with my sexuality, but after months and months of exhaustively dissecting my (brief) sexual past, I feel completely disgusted by it and can no longer fully enjoy it. When he tells me he loves me, I feel that he's doing so in spite of me and not because of me.
Before I'm misunderstood, I don't at all blame him for feeling the way he did. His actions could have been a lot more understanding, but it was a difficult situation to be in. I get that. But how do I get over this and reconcile my personality with his demands? How do I not feel completely worthless? Have any of you been in a similar situation?
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