I have been dating a woman for 6 years and we are now engaged. By far the best and easiest relationship I have ever been. The person who introduced us, "Ted". was a mutual friend. They seemed extraordinarily close and multiple times during our relationship I had asked if they had ever been together, and she always answered definitively no.
About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married. Her situation was she was just finalizing her divorce from her husband, as he had many affairs the last 3 years of their marriage. Some other background on her, is that her family had basically disowned an aunt of hers for having a affair with a married man about 10 years prior to this (all has been forgiven in this matter).
The affair started at a fundraiser they were both working on. They rode together and had a few drinks at the meeting and when they got back to her place, they had a makeout session. They talked about it the next day and both stated how bad they felt about it (his marriage was on a downward slide and this would be his first but not his last affair before he finally got divorced). Yet they went to another event about 2 weeks later, same thing, a few drinks go home but now this time leads to sex, and again about 2 weeks later, but this time they did not even make it home, sex in the back of his van. She was 36 at the time and is now 43.
She states that her self esteem was at an all time low and that she was vunerable and found the attention exciting as her husband had not made her feel very good about herself.
I am struggling on multiple levels here. #1. Sleeping with a person you know is married, to me that is just awful, especially coming out of a relationship where it happened to you. #2. The married person she slept with is friend of mine (he never mentioned it either). #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party.. #4. The fact that she kept carpooling with him to these events leads me to believe she wanted this to happen. #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?
They stopped talking after the second time for about 2 months then ran into each other at the gym. He was moving on with his life and when he found out she was not seeing anyone, he called and asked if I would be interested.
I am no saint myself, I have had too many partners to count, and she knew about my sex life very early on. My adult life has been pretty stable. I lost my first wife when I was 37 with 2 small kids. I had a lot of opportunities to sleep around at that time, but did not even go out on a date for over a year as I wanted to make sure my head and heart were in the right place. Kind of what I would expect most adults to do in either of our situations.
As of now I am really struggling with being with her for the reasons listed above. The six years of dating have been amazing and I truly believe she would never cheat on me. This affair is on my mind constantly. It has damaged how I feel about her, as I am disgusted by that behaviour.
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks
About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married. Her situation was she was just finalizing her divorce from her husband, as he had many affairs the last 3 years of their marriage. Some other background on her, is that her family had basically disowned an aunt of hers for having a affair with a married man about 10 years prior to this (all has been forgiven in this matter).
The affair started at a fundraiser they were both working on. They rode together and had a few drinks at the meeting and when they got back to her place, they had a makeout session. They talked about it the next day and both stated how bad they felt about it (his marriage was on a downward slide and this would be his first but not his last affair before he finally got divorced). Yet they went to another event about 2 weeks later, same thing, a few drinks go home but now this time leads to sex, and again about 2 weeks later, but this time they did not even make it home, sex in the back of his van. She was 36 at the time and is now 43.
She states that her self esteem was at an all time low and that she was vunerable and found the attention exciting as her husband had not made her feel very good about herself.
I am struggling on multiple levels here. #1. Sleeping with a person you know is married, to me that is just awful, especially coming out of a relationship where it happened to you. #2. The married person she slept with is friend of mine (he never mentioned it either). #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party.. #4. The fact that she kept carpooling with him to these events leads me to believe she wanted this to happen. #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?
They stopped talking after the second time for about 2 months then ran into each other at the gym. He was moving on with his life and when he found out she was not seeing anyone, he called and asked if I would be interested.
I am no saint myself, I have had too many partners to count, and she knew about my sex life very early on. My adult life has been pretty stable. I lost my first wife when I was 37 with 2 small kids. I had a lot of opportunities to sleep around at that time, but did not even go out on a date for over a year as I wanted to make sure my head and heart were in the right place. Kind of what I would expect most adults to do in either of our situations.
As of now I am really struggling with being with her for the reasons listed above. The six years of dating have been amazing and I truly believe she would never cheat on me. This affair is on my mind constantly. It has damaged how I feel about her, as I am disgusted by that behaviour.
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks
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