Hello everyone, I've never posted on a forum and am not sure if I am even doing this right but here we go...
I want to fix my marriage and be happy again.
A bit of background - my husband and I started dating 15 years ago. We were next door neighbors. I was 14, he was 16. We've never separated. We moved in together a year after my first year of college. It was never perfect, but we love(d) each other very much. And though we have gone a long ways – we got married, bought a house, landed great jobs, etc… our biggest problems have remained the same – I feel that our past continues to haunt our future.
First, he has a temper. He has always been a bit aggressive. When he argues, he argues with the intention to hurt the other person. (Hurt or be hurt as he has told me) His family grew up this way and he is very good at it. I, on the other hand am not. I grew up in a quiet household. My family didn't argue; they just buried their problems deep inside. So, when we have a problem and an argument arises, he raises his voice, yells at me and says mean hurtful things. I tend to cower, crawl into fetal position and cry. I feel worthless. I feel depressed. And in the moments where I do have courage, I yell things back that I don't mean. The fact that I've said these things so much has convinced me that I am no longer just saying them to be "hurtful." ("I hate you" "You don't make me happy" "You are an *******")
Second, he has always been great at showing affection and being intimate while I have not. I hardly ever received hugs from my family. We just weren't those people. I don't think I've ever even seen my mom and dad kiss (or hold hands!). So, I've always struggled with being intimate myself. He is always the first to make a move & this has always bothered him. I don't know where to start, I feel awkward mimicking what he does and I am not confident. We haven't had real intimacy or sex in a very long time and I am sure a lot has to do with the fact that he always has to be the first to try.
Third, he is an extrovert and I am an introvert. He gets his energy from talking to others, being social and around people. I feel drained and cannot do it for long, I need my alone time, I need my time to recharge. This has always bothered him. For a while, I had developed social anxiety in crowded places. I didn't want to be seen and people made me nervous. I would get sweaty, my heart would race and I would shut down. He would hate that especially since it would ruin his experience at concerts. He would tell me that he felt I was lying and making up my "symptoms," – he felt that it was in my mind and that I could control it. Of course a bit of that is true, a lot of anxieties have to do with your state of mind but I at the time didn't know how to handle myself and would again… cry.
Fourth, he hates children. He told me that if we do ever have them it will be because of me. That's not necessarily what I thought my future husband would tell me. I'm not ready to have kids (and am not sure if I ever will be) but his hatred towards kids and his remarks have never sat well with me. What if I decide that I do want children? It wouldn't be right for me to convince him to have them just for me. But I also don't want to compromise my own wish to raise a child some day.☹
Fifth, we started off with a "competitive" relationship and I don't think we have stopped – I feel like I am holding us back. Initially, I was the "trophy" – I was doing great in school and in my career. I had the better salary and because of it, I figured it would be best that we open a shared bank account. Now, he is making more money… a lot more… and he is not afraid to push that back on me. He brings up my spending and makes comments about how I need to start pulling my own weight. He works two jobs and so I work two jobs. I feel like I can't keep up and am constantly feeling worthless and tired. By the time I get home, I am too tired to cook or clean and so I feel like I cannot keep up as a provider and I cannot keep our house clean/be a good wife.
Sixth, he thinks I do not appreciate him and I think that ties into the intimacy thing I mentioned earlier. We carpool to work and he drives us, I don't volunteer often, I feel like it is just routine that he drives now. But I always say thank you and I love you as I exit the car and inside I feel happy and grateful for the little things he does… but he doesn't think so. He has brought it up numerous times that he doesn't believe me when I tell him that "yes I am grateful." And, in most recent situations, when speaking on things I've done wrong… he says he doesn't believe that I am sorry so I don't know what to do to convince him…
Last (for now), I've become a bit of an alcoholic. I don't go out with friends (I don't really have any since he has been "the" friend I've ever needed for 15 years) but I did recently go out with a group of coworkers that were here out of town. I didn't eat dinner and thought I was fine, but from one second to the next, the booze hit me and I was a wreck. He picked me up and was so pissed off that he had to drive me home drunk. He says, he has done it too many times (he is referring to the times he and I go out) and wants to know when I will grow up. I don't know the answer to that. I am not ready to talk to someone to find out if I have a legitimate problem or if I am just going through a phase. I know I can stop myself from getting to that point but there have been days where I'd rather just drink myself to sleep.
That night out with co-workers is what fueled our argument earlier today. He brought it up over dinner in a restaurant; I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I made every attempt to tell him that I thought we should talk about it later and he kept at it, he said things like, "how could you be so dumb and reckless, you were the only one that was that drunk, you are so stupid," after a while I realized I could not make him stop and I shut down again. I didn't want to cry but felt I was going to so I looked down at my phone. He said, "fine, you don't want to talk to me, I can be on my phone too, I have things I need to do too." I put my phone away after a few minutes (once my heart had stopped racing) and he kept on his phone. He was texting and laughing and basically pretending to not care about us for the rest of the evening. I didn't glance at my phone again and just stared off into the distance. I took a restroom break when I returned I found him talking to the guy sitting next to us about the basketball game that was on TV. Didn't introduce me, didn't acknowledge me. I felt my heart race again as I just sat there like unwanted company. The guy eventually made a joke about how I didn't eat everything off my plate and that it was rude to my date… I think he sensed my husband was fed up with me since he had seen that he was on his phone all evening, maybe he thought we were on a really bad date because shortly after that he said, "so are you guys ex boyfriend and girlfriend?" So, I said out loud – "Actually that's my husband and best friend for 15 years that likes to talk **** to me." I could not believe my own words. But my husband defended himself saying he never spoke **** directly to me and so they continued their discussion about the basketball game. By this time, I could feel my heart in my throat. I felt so hot, I felt like I was going to pop. So, I said, I can't stay here, I will meet you by the car and walked away. He showed up 15-20 mins later and scolded me for rushing him. He said I once again ruined his night. He had to rely on strangers to make him feel better and have a good night. I sometimes get the feeling he tells strangers about all of my issues so that they understand his anger and frustration.
At this point, I am not sure what to do. Do I need to get professional help? I want this to work but don't know where to start. The issues above are the ones that have come up recently. We've had (and have) more. I truly feel like he hates me, like I annoy him often... I just don't know how to improve.
Thanks everyone.
I want to fix my marriage and be happy again.
A bit of background - my husband and I started dating 15 years ago. We were next door neighbors. I was 14, he was 16. We've never separated. We moved in together a year after my first year of college. It was never perfect, but we love(d) each other very much. And though we have gone a long ways – we got married, bought a house, landed great jobs, etc… our biggest problems have remained the same – I feel that our past continues to haunt our future.
First, he has a temper. He has always been a bit aggressive. When he argues, he argues with the intention to hurt the other person. (Hurt or be hurt as he has told me) His family grew up this way and he is very good at it. I, on the other hand am not. I grew up in a quiet household. My family didn't argue; they just buried their problems deep inside. So, when we have a problem and an argument arises, he raises his voice, yells at me and says mean hurtful things. I tend to cower, crawl into fetal position and cry. I feel worthless. I feel depressed. And in the moments where I do have courage, I yell things back that I don't mean. The fact that I've said these things so much has convinced me that I am no longer just saying them to be "hurtful." ("I hate you" "You don't make me happy" "You are an *******")
Second, he has always been great at showing affection and being intimate while I have not. I hardly ever received hugs from my family. We just weren't those people. I don't think I've ever even seen my mom and dad kiss (or hold hands!). So, I've always struggled with being intimate myself. He is always the first to make a move & this has always bothered him. I don't know where to start, I feel awkward mimicking what he does and I am not confident. We haven't had real intimacy or sex in a very long time and I am sure a lot has to do with the fact that he always has to be the first to try.
Third, he is an extrovert and I am an introvert. He gets his energy from talking to others, being social and around people. I feel drained and cannot do it for long, I need my alone time, I need my time to recharge. This has always bothered him. For a while, I had developed social anxiety in crowded places. I didn't want to be seen and people made me nervous. I would get sweaty, my heart would race and I would shut down. He would hate that especially since it would ruin his experience at concerts. He would tell me that he felt I was lying and making up my "symptoms," – he felt that it was in my mind and that I could control it. Of course a bit of that is true, a lot of anxieties have to do with your state of mind but I at the time didn't know how to handle myself and would again… cry.
Fourth, he hates children. He told me that if we do ever have them it will be because of me. That's not necessarily what I thought my future husband would tell me. I'm not ready to have kids (and am not sure if I ever will be) but his hatred towards kids and his remarks have never sat well with me. What if I decide that I do want children? It wouldn't be right for me to convince him to have them just for me. But I also don't want to compromise my own wish to raise a child some day.☹
Fifth, we started off with a "competitive" relationship and I don't think we have stopped – I feel like I am holding us back. Initially, I was the "trophy" – I was doing great in school and in my career. I had the better salary and because of it, I figured it would be best that we open a shared bank account. Now, he is making more money… a lot more… and he is not afraid to push that back on me. He brings up my spending and makes comments about how I need to start pulling my own weight. He works two jobs and so I work two jobs. I feel like I can't keep up and am constantly feeling worthless and tired. By the time I get home, I am too tired to cook or clean and so I feel like I cannot keep up as a provider and I cannot keep our house clean/be a good wife.
Sixth, he thinks I do not appreciate him and I think that ties into the intimacy thing I mentioned earlier. We carpool to work and he drives us, I don't volunteer often, I feel like it is just routine that he drives now. But I always say thank you and I love you as I exit the car and inside I feel happy and grateful for the little things he does… but he doesn't think so. He has brought it up numerous times that he doesn't believe me when I tell him that "yes I am grateful." And, in most recent situations, when speaking on things I've done wrong… he says he doesn't believe that I am sorry so I don't know what to do to convince him…
Last (for now), I've become a bit of an alcoholic. I don't go out with friends (I don't really have any since he has been "the" friend I've ever needed for 15 years) but I did recently go out with a group of coworkers that were here out of town. I didn't eat dinner and thought I was fine, but from one second to the next, the booze hit me and I was a wreck. He picked me up and was so pissed off that he had to drive me home drunk. He says, he has done it too many times (he is referring to the times he and I go out) and wants to know when I will grow up. I don't know the answer to that. I am not ready to talk to someone to find out if I have a legitimate problem or if I am just going through a phase. I know I can stop myself from getting to that point but there have been days where I'd rather just drink myself to sleep.
That night out with co-workers is what fueled our argument earlier today. He brought it up over dinner in a restaurant; I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I made every attempt to tell him that I thought we should talk about it later and he kept at it, he said things like, "how could you be so dumb and reckless, you were the only one that was that drunk, you are so stupid," after a while I realized I could not make him stop and I shut down again. I didn't want to cry but felt I was going to so I looked down at my phone. He said, "fine, you don't want to talk to me, I can be on my phone too, I have things I need to do too." I put my phone away after a few minutes (once my heart had stopped racing) and he kept on his phone. He was texting and laughing and basically pretending to not care about us for the rest of the evening. I didn't glance at my phone again and just stared off into the distance. I took a restroom break when I returned I found him talking to the guy sitting next to us about the basketball game that was on TV. Didn't introduce me, didn't acknowledge me. I felt my heart race again as I just sat there like unwanted company. The guy eventually made a joke about how I didn't eat everything off my plate and that it was rude to my date… I think he sensed my husband was fed up with me since he had seen that he was on his phone all evening, maybe he thought we were on a really bad date because shortly after that he said, "so are you guys ex boyfriend and girlfriend?" So, I said out loud – "Actually that's my husband and best friend for 15 years that likes to talk **** to me." I could not believe my own words. But my husband defended himself saying he never spoke **** directly to me and so they continued their discussion about the basketball game. By this time, I could feel my heart in my throat. I felt so hot, I felt like I was going to pop. So, I said, I can't stay here, I will meet you by the car and walked away. He showed up 15-20 mins later and scolded me for rushing him. He said I once again ruined his night. He had to rely on strangers to make him feel better and have a good night. I sometimes get the feeling he tells strangers about all of my issues so that they understand his anger and frustration.
At this point, I am not sure what to do. Do I need to get professional help? I want this to work but don't know where to start. The issues above are the ones that have come up recently. We've had (and have) more. I truly feel like he hates me, like I annoy him often... I just don't know how to improve.
Thanks everyone.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment