In has been one year since I forced my wife to end two affairs. In fact I outright ended the marriage and started discussions on the split but she asked that try to recover it. I gave her a detailed set of things that I thought where wrong with the marriage and we would need to fix and she said she wanted to work on it. I asked for us to go to MC or at least for her to go to IC since I believe she has a lot of issues.
She refused IC/MC but did in the months following the blow up, attempt to do more to bring us closer, at least symbolically, and I appreciated that, but they seemed more demonstrations than real intimacy. I responded in kind trying to do my part but after six weeks of trying increase real intimacy between us, which included attempts at making love, I gave up and shut down which was helped by getting very busy with other things in my life.
One of the features of our relationship is she never talks about anything personal. If anything is wrong or needs work, I need to be the one start the conversation and drive it, and she is often just playing defense trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I thought if I just stopped trying she would notice that was a bad sign and make her want to talk. If not, I expected it would blow up again and then it would really be over.
So a few months slipped into six, then holidays, some busy travel plans and bam, about 7 months further on, and the marriage still feels like it is on life support, no sex, no communication on anything meaningful, but endless draining small talk. So I give in and start forcing us to talk about how ****ty are relationship is again. I think I proved by my 9 months of silence that I am not needy, but she is still closed off. I push for MC/IC--she refused, but we do start having sex again, first in a year, but I can't help feel like she still has no interest in it, despite apparently actually enjoying it. She can't seem to help asking for favors and "permission" to buy clothes, shoes, ect... during foreplay even through I have told her how bizarre and horrible I think this is.
So to sum it up:
1. I feel like am draining my life away with someone that has no idea how to be in a relationship or who appreciates the different kinds of intimacy a long marriage can offer (18 years)
2. I am monitoring her extensively. I am 99% sure she is not cheating, and I am very good at this sort of thing. But it is exhausting, time consuming, and symbolic of the reality that I do not trust her. I have to let go of this at some point, but it does not feel right to do so with everything else that seems broken. Her lies go well beyond the cheating which is part of the trust issue. She has told some big and serious lies in our history and don't think she has reached a place where she understands that will ruin us, though I have explained it plenty.
3. I have this sinking feeling that she stays because of my income and that divorce would be a huge adjustment in her life. Maybe this is my own neurosis, but thats how it feels.
4. I have not forgiven her. I am not sure I can and I probably should have just stayed the course on the divorce one year ago and just moved on....
I can probably guess the advice you have for me. Force MC with threats of divorce, just leave her, or maybe even a few people that might say I am a big part of the problem. I look forward to your thoughts, but most of all I think I just needed to write this out discuss it, to help me make up mind on the most profound and consequential decision I have to make in my life.
She refused IC/MC but did in the months following the blow up, attempt to do more to bring us closer, at least symbolically, and I appreciated that, but they seemed more demonstrations than real intimacy. I responded in kind trying to do my part but after six weeks of trying increase real intimacy between us, which included attempts at making love, I gave up and shut down which was helped by getting very busy with other things in my life.
One of the features of our relationship is she never talks about anything personal. If anything is wrong or needs work, I need to be the one start the conversation and drive it, and she is often just playing defense trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I thought if I just stopped trying she would notice that was a bad sign and make her want to talk. If not, I expected it would blow up again and then it would really be over.
So a few months slipped into six, then holidays, some busy travel plans and bam, about 7 months further on, and the marriage still feels like it is on life support, no sex, no communication on anything meaningful, but endless draining small talk. So I give in and start forcing us to talk about how ****ty are relationship is again. I think I proved by my 9 months of silence that I am not needy, but she is still closed off. I push for MC/IC--she refused, but we do start having sex again, first in a year, but I can't help feel like she still has no interest in it, despite apparently actually enjoying it. She can't seem to help asking for favors and "permission" to buy clothes, shoes, ect... during foreplay even through I have told her how bizarre and horrible I think this is.
So to sum it up:
1. I feel like am draining my life away with someone that has no idea how to be in a relationship or who appreciates the different kinds of intimacy a long marriage can offer (18 years)
2. I am monitoring her extensively. I am 99% sure she is not cheating, and I am very good at this sort of thing. But it is exhausting, time consuming, and symbolic of the reality that I do not trust her. I have to let go of this at some point, but it does not feel right to do so with everything else that seems broken. Her lies go well beyond the cheating which is part of the trust issue. She has told some big and serious lies in our history and don't think she has reached a place where she understands that will ruin us, though I have explained it plenty.
3. I have this sinking feeling that she stays because of my income and that divorce would be a huge adjustment in her life. Maybe this is my own neurosis, but thats how it feels.
4. I have not forgiven her. I am not sure I can and I probably should have just stayed the course on the divorce one year ago and just moved on....
I can probably guess the advice you have for me. Force MC with threats of divorce, just leave her, or maybe even a few people that might say I am a big part of the problem. I look forward to your thoughts, but most of all I think I just needed to write this out discuss it, to help me make up mind on the most profound and consequential decision I have to make in my life.
Put the internet to work for you.
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