UUUGH! Can't edit the title. I hate grammar mistakes. I'm an editor!
I'm still fairly new here so few know my story, but I'm hoping to still have some input. I've tried to provide it for others! :)
My story is long and convoluted (here: My OP and here: My comments about emotional unavailability and also my comment here about past relationships ), but my question in this thread is about what I "owe" to my S.O. (former husband, now reconciling) when he refuses to give me anything at all. (By anything I mean any attention, any affection, any time, any conversation, any information. We are roommates, and not even in the same room.)
Since we reconciled, we have not merged bank accounts. We live together (bought a house) and just naturally fell into things we pay for. We haven't sat down with a calculator, but it seems to be 50/50 and we make close to the same amount of money now (he probably makes 10-20K more). We both make a very good living. We don't fight about money, who will pay what bill, etc. Money troubles are not at all on the radar. Bills addressed to me get opened by me and vice versa.
With that said, when we lived apart, our biggest fight was about money. I made less than half of what I make now (while he made what he makes now), accepted MUCH less in child support than what the courts said I was owed (this was because of his bullying), and sometimes had checks bounce, although I do have investments/IRAs from "inheritance." He grew up somewhat poor, and I did not. He is way more "into" money than I am, although neither one of us are remotely materialistic. We live below our means and have no debt other than one car payment and our mortgage. Everything else gets paid off each month without problem. Still, he's really "into" money.
I am self employed with one client that I work full time for. I have a fairly modest base salary, but have the ability to earn bonuses every month. It is somewhat out of my control, but think of it as commission. I don't know from one month to the next if I'm going to receive a bonus, but the bonuses are large when I receive them (otherwise I would not be doing this job). I only find out when my client "runs the report" to find out if benchmarks have been hit. (It's all web-based work on a very boring topic).
So here is where my question comes in. Tell me if I'm being petty and immature.
My SO frequently asks about my bonuses. Every month, several times a month. "Did you find out yet if you're getting a bonus this month?" This has no bearing on our finances since he pays for what he pays for and I pay for what I pay for (of course aside from the family vacation I just paid for....eye roll...). He knows if I am going to have trouble paying my portion of the bills I will tell him. It has not happened.
But he constantly asks about my bonuses. Sometimes I really do not know yet.....I'm pretty much always in a state of waiting to hear about the next month since it is not a report I have access to myself (which drives me nuts).
He never asks anything at all about me and my life. Nothing about my job. About my day. About my health (even when I was sick for 3 weeks), about my family, about HOW I'M FEELING ABOUT US AFTER OUR LAST MC SESSION, about my IC sessions....nothing. Nothing at all. No affection. No I love you. No texts to say hello (and in fact requests I not send those texts anymore since they are annoying....only once a day...). We are barely roommates and we live in separate bedrooms. When I do something nice for him that wouldn't normally be my responsibility, he will notice it has been done, but NEVER says thank you.....he acts more bewildered than anything. He knows exactly how I feel as we've talked about it at length. Our counselor prods him to at least try to make more of an effort to acknowledge me. He doesn't. (Complete 180 from when we were reconciling, BTW, which our counselor blames on his recent dx of ADHD....I'm not so sure.)
So, here's my question. When he asks about my bonus, is it reasonable of me to say, "I'm sorry, but you never ask about anything else about my life besides my paycheck and that's just not going to be your business anymore." ???? Is that being petty? I feel like all I'm good for is my paycheck!!!
What would you do?
We are in MC, although even she is somewhat taking a break from us (aside from a session about ADHD this coming weekend) because she just doesn't know what to do with him. I'm also in IC and he kinda is....sorta phasing out of his ADHD doc and HOPEFULLY back in with our MC who was his original IC.
I'm still fairly new here so few know my story, but I'm hoping to still have some input. I've tried to provide it for others! :)
My story is long and convoluted (here: My OP and here: My comments about emotional unavailability and also my comment here about past relationships ), but my question in this thread is about what I "owe" to my S.O. (former husband, now reconciling) when he refuses to give me anything at all. (By anything I mean any attention, any affection, any time, any conversation, any information. We are roommates, and not even in the same room.)
Since we reconciled, we have not merged bank accounts. We live together (bought a house) and just naturally fell into things we pay for. We haven't sat down with a calculator, but it seems to be 50/50 and we make close to the same amount of money now (he probably makes 10-20K more). We both make a very good living. We don't fight about money, who will pay what bill, etc. Money troubles are not at all on the radar. Bills addressed to me get opened by me and vice versa.
With that said, when we lived apart, our biggest fight was about money. I made less than half of what I make now (while he made what he makes now), accepted MUCH less in child support than what the courts said I was owed (this was because of his bullying), and sometimes had checks bounce, although I do have investments/IRAs from "inheritance." He grew up somewhat poor, and I did not. He is way more "into" money than I am, although neither one of us are remotely materialistic. We live below our means and have no debt other than one car payment and our mortgage. Everything else gets paid off each month without problem. Still, he's really "into" money.
I am self employed with one client that I work full time for. I have a fairly modest base salary, but have the ability to earn bonuses every month. It is somewhat out of my control, but think of it as commission. I don't know from one month to the next if I'm going to receive a bonus, but the bonuses are large when I receive them (otherwise I would not be doing this job). I only find out when my client "runs the report" to find out if benchmarks have been hit. (It's all web-based work on a very boring topic).
So here is where my question comes in. Tell me if I'm being petty and immature.
My SO frequently asks about my bonuses. Every month, several times a month. "Did you find out yet if you're getting a bonus this month?" This has no bearing on our finances since he pays for what he pays for and I pay for what I pay for (of course aside from the family vacation I just paid for....eye roll...). He knows if I am going to have trouble paying my portion of the bills I will tell him. It has not happened.
But he constantly asks about my bonuses. Sometimes I really do not know yet.....I'm pretty much always in a state of waiting to hear about the next month since it is not a report I have access to myself (which drives me nuts).
He never asks anything at all about me and my life. Nothing about my job. About my day. About my health (even when I was sick for 3 weeks), about my family, about HOW I'M FEELING ABOUT US AFTER OUR LAST MC SESSION, about my IC sessions....nothing. Nothing at all. No affection. No I love you. No texts to say hello (and in fact requests I not send those texts anymore since they are annoying....only once a day...). We are barely roommates and we live in separate bedrooms. When I do something nice for him that wouldn't normally be my responsibility, he will notice it has been done, but NEVER says thank you.....he acts more bewildered than anything. He knows exactly how I feel as we've talked about it at length. Our counselor prods him to at least try to make more of an effort to acknowledge me. He doesn't. (Complete 180 from when we were reconciling, BTW, which our counselor blames on his recent dx of ADHD....I'm not so sure.)
So, here's my question. When he asks about my bonus, is it reasonable of me to say, "I'm sorry, but you never ask about anything else about my life besides my paycheck and that's just not going to be your business anymore." ???? Is that being petty? I feel like all I'm good for is my paycheck!!!
What would you do?
We are in MC, although even she is somewhat taking a break from us (aside from a session about ADHD this coming weekend) because she just doesn't know what to do with him. I'm also in IC and he kinda is....sorta phasing out of his ADHD doc and HOPEFULLY back in with our MC who was his original IC.
Put the internet to work for you.
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