Hello,
I am a married man of +20 years with two kids in college and I've been struggling with some thoughts that I never would have imagined a few years ago. I guess I'm hoping to find some commonality or advice from someone with similar issues and how they were resolved or addressed.
For the most part, our marriage has been relatively drama free with the normal life's challenges and occasional disagreements / fights. Nothing physical or lingering. We both work and own our home (well the bank does).
I care for my wife deeply. She is a kind, caring, loving mother. In fact I can't imagine a woman loving her children more or being more attentive to their well being.
The kids have grown up well adjusted, did (and are doing) well in school, participated in extra-curricular activities and have never given us the slightest problems. We both have great relationships with them.
So writing that, as I would expect reading it, it almost seems foolish to think that there could be anything amiss when I should be grateful to have such good fortune.
As I mentioned, I can't imagine a better mother than my children have. Unfortunately I struggle just as much to see her as a loving wife in the same manner, and am beginning to question if I love her in the same way I did when we were married.
I know that some of what we are experiencing is typical empty nest syndrome, when you suddenly find yourselves having to "reconnect" after 20 years of raising kids, but it just seems to be running much deeper than that to me. Any conversation between us is simply too hard to start, let alone nurture, the plans for the future (what little have been discussed) seem to be indifferent, the common interests we had when we were younger we've either outgrown or forgotten. What dialog does take place is usually "this needs to be done, or can you do that?" and 9 times out of 10, it's directed from her to me.
Our sex life has almost completely disappeared...maybe twice in the past 18 months. I had some silly notion that would be the first thing to be re-energized when the last kid went off to college, but no such luck. Instead of spending more time with each other when the kids left, we basically turned into roommates now that the needs of raising them no longer provided a common demand.
She falls asleep in the chaise watching TV most nights and won't get up when I tell her I'm going to bed, so many mornings I wake up with no one next to me.
I pay the bills, do the taxes, make dinner with the exception of an occasional Sunday meal, clean up the dishes, do the grocery shopping 90% of the time (Are you stopping anywhere after work? We need...), all the lawn care, house maintenance, deal with emergencies, etc. I've come to the conclusion if I were on my own, the only regular activity I would need to add to my schedule would be laundry and that is only because she doesn't trust me not to damage her clothes.
Looking back, I know that the children always came first with her. The frustrating part is that I initiated conversations well in the past basically addressing the need for us to spend more time with each other without the kids, because I saw this coming. But for some reason outside of an occasional concert or such, the thought of a weekend away or anything without the kids (and cousins, etc.) was practically unthinkable. I don't know which is right. I know there are some who would say "damn right the kids should come first" and I've also read plenty of things validating what I perceive to be true. The kids are "temporary" but we're here for the long haul.
I've learned to accept this as just the way it was going to be and hopefully it will get better once the kids are out of college and completely on their own. But in the meantime, I'm not particularly happy and at times almost depressed. With one exception, which brings me to the here and now.
There is a woman at work I have known for about three years who was married when she was hired. She has been divorced about a year. Prior to that, we had the same conversations any typical coworkers would about their weekend and such, but nothing beyond that. But since then, we have been kidding around with each other more and I've taken a lot more interest in her likes and dislikes etc. I guess to some degree you could consider it flirting, but I honestly think it's more on my mind than hers. She is definitely a moralistic woman, so I would be floored to think that she didn't respect the fact that I'm married, happily or not, and temper (let alone entertain) any inappropriate thoughts. We don't have any social contact outside of work.
But the point is, she is now constantly on my mind. I think about her on the weekends, falling asleep at night. I look forward to going to work just to see / talk to her, we have relatively engaging conversations, we make each other laugh and I find her very cerebral and intriguing. Sometimes I stumble over my words talking to her because she gets me flustered. On the flip side, I've gotten to the point that I'm really in no hurry to go home in the evening.
I really don't think she has any idea my feelings are what they are. She may assume my marriage is not the best, because I don't talk about it much outside what the kids are doing. To her, I'm probably just one of those people you get along with at work better than others. Everyone has them.
To me though, it's significant in that maybe my situation isn't inevitable or something I just have to accept. I'm still capable of conversing with and finding excitement in another woman. I have never been a philanderer or even comfortable when other women approached me. It hadn't happened often, but the couple times it did, I excused myself from the situation in a hurry. And while she is a very pretty woman, I really don't think the burning attraction is sexual, because I have known her for three years and would assume that would have been a factor long ago.
About 6 months ago during a petty spat, my wife blurted out "well maybe we should separate!" I just blew it off as a heat of the moment rant and didn't even acknowledge it at the time. But oddly, it has stuck with me even though she might not remember saying it, or would just use the "I was angry" excuse if I brought it up.
I sit here today wondering if the difference in attitude I feel between relating to my coworker versus my wife is a true indication of my feelings or just some misplaced fantasy. I have about an hour commute one way to work each day which wears on me as well, but I took the job after a layoff and we didn't move in order to preserve some stability for the kids and so my wife didn't have to increase her commute. The thought of moving closer to work to reduce that daily stress is just the icing on the cake when the thought of separation / divorce enters my mind.
Then I snap back into reality and weigh the heartache and upheaval and expense that inevitably accompanies the whole process. Divorce has played a big part in the lives of her family members (mother/father, sister, brother), but in mine it is a rarity. So that weighs on me as well.
So thank you for letting me vent. I apologize for the long-winded oratory. In closing I ask: Am I being rash and foolish? Is this a normal part of the cycle of life that you just need to make the best of, am I nowhere near the justification for such a life changing decision, or is it OK to acknowledge that I'm not as happy as I could be at the risk of hurting others and starting over later in life simply because we've become "roommates"? Is that pure selfishness?
I appreciate your thought / comments.
SK
I am a married man of +20 years with two kids in college and I've been struggling with some thoughts that I never would have imagined a few years ago. I guess I'm hoping to find some commonality or advice from someone with similar issues and how they were resolved or addressed.
For the most part, our marriage has been relatively drama free with the normal life's challenges and occasional disagreements / fights. Nothing physical or lingering. We both work and own our home (well the bank does).
I care for my wife deeply. She is a kind, caring, loving mother. In fact I can't imagine a woman loving her children more or being more attentive to their well being.
The kids have grown up well adjusted, did (and are doing) well in school, participated in extra-curricular activities and have never given us the slightest problems. We both have great relationships with them.
So writing that, as I would expect reading it, it almost seems foolish to think that there could be anything amiss when I should be grateful to have such good fortune.
As I mentioned, I can't imagine a better mother than my children have. Unfortunately I struggle just as much to see her as a loving wife in the same manner, and am beginning to question if I love her in the same way I did when we were married.
I know that some of what we are experiencing is typical empty nest syndrome, when you suddenly find yourselves having to "reconnect" after 20 years of raising kids, but it just seems to be running much deeper than that to me. Any conversation between us is simply too hard to start, let alone nurture, the plans for the future (what little have been discussed) seem to be indifferent, the common interests we had when we were younger we've either outgrown or forgotten. What dialog does take place is usually "this needs to be done, or can you do that?" and 9 times out of 10, it's directed from her to me.
Our sex life has almost completely disappeared...maybe twice in the past 18 months. I had some silly notion that would be the first thing to be re-energized when the last kid went off to college, but no such luck. Instead of spending more time with each other when the kids left, we basically turned into roommates now that the needs of raising them no longer provided a common demand.
She falls asleep in the chaise watching TV most nights and won't get up when I tell her I'm going to bed, so many mornings I wake up with no one next to me.
I pay the bills, do the taxes, make dinner with the exception of an occasional Sunday meal, clean up the dishes, do the grocery shopping 90% of the time (Are you stopping anywhere after work? We need...), all the lawn care, house maintenance, deal with emergencies, etc. I've come to the conclusion if I were on my own, the only regular activity I would need to add to my schedule would be laundry and that is only because she doesn't trust me not to damage her clothes.
Looking back, I know that the children always came first with her. The frustrating part is that I initiated conversations well in the past basically addressing the need for us to spend more time with each other without the kids, because I saw this coming. But for some reason outside of an occasional concert or such, the thought of a weekend away or anything without the kids (and cousins, etc.) was practically unthinkable. I don't know which is right. I know there are some who would say "damn right the kids should come first" and I've also read plenty of things validating what I perceive to be true. The kids are "temporary" but we're here for the long haul.
I've learned to accept this as just the way it was going to be and hopefully it will get better once the kids are out of college and completely on their own. But in the meantime, I'm not particularly happy and at times almost depressed. With one exception, which brings me to the here and now.
There is a woman at work I have known for about three years who was married when she was hired. She has been divorced about a year. Prior to that, we had the same conversations any typical coworkers would about their weekend and such, but nothing beyond that. But since then, we have been kidding around with each other more and I've taken a lot more interest in her likes and dislikes etc. I guess to some degree you could consider it flirting, but I honestly think it's more on my mind than hers. She is definitely a moralistic woman, so I would be floored to think that she didn't respect the fact that I'm married, happily or not, and temper (let alone entertain) any inappropriate thoughts. We don't have any social contact outside of work.
But the point is, she is now constantly on my mind. I think about her on the weekends, falling asleep at night. I look forward to going to work just to see / talk to her, we have relatively engaging conversations, we make each other laugh and I find her very cerebral and intriguing. Sometimes I stumble over my words talking to her because she gets me flustered. On the flip side, I've gotten to the point that I'm really in no hurry to go home in the evening.
I really don't think she has any idea my feelings are what they are. She may assume my marriage is not the best, because I don't talk about it much outside what the kids are doing. To her, I'm probably just one of those people you get along with at work better than others. Everyone has them.
To me though, it's significant in that maybe my situation isn't inevitable or something I just have to accept. I'm still capable of conversing with and finding excitement in another woman. I have never been a philanderer or even comfortable when other women approached me. It hadn't happened often, but the couple times it did, I excused myself from the situation in a hurry. And while she is a very pretty woman, I really don't think the burning attraction is sexual, because I have known her for three years and would assume that would have been a factor long ago.
About 6 months ago during a petty spat, my wife blurted out "well maybe we should separate!" I just blew it off as a heat of the moment rant and didn't even acknowledge it at the time. But oddly, it has stuck with me even though she might not remember saying it, or would just use the "I was angry" excuse if I brought it up.
I sit here today wondering if the difference in attitude I feel between relating to my coworker versus my wife is a true indication of my feelings or just some misplaced fantasy. I have about an hour commute one way to work each day which wears on me as well, but I took the job after a layoff and we didn't move in order to preserve some stability for the kids and so my wife didn't have to increase her commute. The thought of moving closer to work to reduce that daily stress is just the icing on the cake when the thought of separation / divorce enters my mind.
Then I snap back into reality and weigh the heartache and upheaval and expense that inevitably accompanies the whole process. Divorce has played a big part in the lives of her family members (mother/father, sister, brother), but in mine it is a rarity. So that weighs on me as well.
So thank you for letting me vent. I apologize for the long-winded oratory. In closing I ask: Am I being rash and foolish? Is this a normal part of the cycle of life that you just need to make the best of, am I nowhere near the justification for such a life changing decision, or is it OK to acknowledge that I'm not as happy as I could be at the risk of hurting others and starting over later in life simply because we've become "roommates"? Is that pure selfishness?
I appreciate your thought / comments.
SK
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