At first, I would like to say thank you, by opening this thread.
I've createad this thread to tell this truly important thing, to somebody, as basically only myself know that and I find out that this forum might be a good place to start..
I don't want to go very depth in the details, to keep myself as a person anonymous, but still share this with you guys. Any feedback highly welcome, which I would really appreciate it and thats what I need - other people thought and opinions.
I find myself excellently confident, mature and strong person mentally and phisically as 18 years old, but at the same time very sensitive person, who cares a lot about other people opinions as well as with the very negative past moments. (It actually helps a lot to type this, as at this point I want to cry..)
Long story short, about my current situation, as I did travel from one of the European countries to United Kingdom couple of years ago, at the time when I was only 16 years old. The reason, that I moved, was very simple - I was in bad life road, with most likely bad ending, I was drinking a lot, spending nights with friends and was ending up becoming more and more negative person than ever before, which includes fights and the street life. (Which did cost me completely broken nose and a scar under my eyebrow.). My grades in school were horrible, I was missing many lessons as I literally didn't care about it.(Sadly grades in my country doesn't have big impact on person's future aspects and intentions, the crucial factor in my country is people you know from higher levels who could help you out with the job etc.)
So I had nose operation which went quite well, unfortunately scar did stay, and probably will be on my face whole life. The worst part in this, that I trusted my friends, to get a little of help even at that day when my nose was broken as well as I got the scar, I was complete idiot and have mistaken so bad. All of them did betrayed me and at the same time I got new enemies and in the town where I used to live it was small and everyone knew each other, so when I got beat up and left alone, everyone knew that and were making negative looks in the streets. I was crying every single night, I didn't have nothing... I was alone and broken.
Even though, my parents forced me to take that person to the court (I am not sure if it's right word) who did broke my nose and if you do that in my country you putting urself as a person at the very bottom. So therefore, even more people wanted to beat me up, so I had to be always cautios and aware of whats happening around me. Also, my relationship with my class mates were horrible, I used to wake up every single morning and have a mind in my head - another frustrating day starts once again. I didn't have any chance to find any girl for relationship as everyone did hear rumours about me as well as adding their own stuff in it, only the one good relationship I had before all this started. I kept seeing happy people I know on my Facebook account, uploading photos of their nights out, drinking and having fun. However, I wasn't jealous for some reason, but I did care and I obviously wanted to have the same life as they did.
Months were changing each by each very slowly, by the time I found new friends next to my town and I started to drink a lot once again. I was broken as a person, but at the same time I was happy that I finally have new friends that I can spend time with, bare in mind I was 15-16 at that time and my new friends were 16-30 years old, the ones who likes drink and nothing else. Unfortunately, people and friends from my past started noticing, that I am spending time with these people, so they contacted them and told everything about me. Which was literally strong punch straight in to my heart. Gosh, when I remember everything... My words might not express the situation well, but it was a tough time, but also a good time to learn and become different person.
Even till know, the time when I took that person to the court is one of the crucial and most negative moments of my life, but if I look even more back - I was with wrong people so it had to happen, that's why all these things, as fights, reputation, drinking were most important things in my life, which were my only goals and wants. So days kept going and I was drinking even in the middle of the week on the weekends, was having terrible relations with my parents, as they obviously did saw that i look bad and becoming a proper alcoholic.
In one of the days when I was drinking as usual with like 10 of my friends, I heard my voice shouted, somebody shouted it very loudly, it was my dad with my mother. I felt bad that they saw me in the middle of the drinking and smoking. They did take me in their car and my dad told my friends, if they ever again will meet me they will have serious problems in many various aspects. Because my dad knows a lot of people and have a successful business, not to mention how many certificates my mom has and still at age 38 she still learning new things and improving her knowledge wisely. To be honest, whole family of mine, are successful people, achieved a lot in their lives or at least they live the life they are satisfied with.
So when they took me home, It was a last breath and I wanted to do changes as I lost all my friends, the previous ones and the ones I thought I am satisfied to spend time with. I was literally crying and dieing, I needed changes as I realised I am in the bad road and I got to do changes with my life.
Well the first idea that came to my mind, was to go to London and not come back to my country for a while. Surprisingly I filled all documents that I needed for college and to not go in to many details, after interview and some of the tests I managed to go to business level 2, so it was a tough year for me, as everyone did speak english very well except me, as I was new in this country. But from the time I came in to this country, I have a few words that I keep repeating in my head - Im going to be successful, doesn't matter what it takes to, but I will. Therefore, I am living independantly nearly for 2 years in this country and already achieved highest grades either in business level 2 and level 3, with excellent words from teachers.
I feel that the future will be very bright and absolutely worth living in it, but I got to push hard to get there, as when the tough times comes I just remembering my past and why I am here and where I am going. Also I already went for a job interview, and will be starting a job after the graduation, just gonna tell you it's something with finance. I found myself very confident, and in these 2 years I became completely different person than I was before.
However, I am not feeling happy. I feel bad every night. Even I made many connections and met a lot of new people, I am still not satisfied. And most crucial factor for me that I am still virgin... I am handsome guy, tall and with the good body shape as I do sports constantly.
For whole these two years I was looking for a girl, for relationships, but couldn't find it. Even I did some achievements, I want to love somebody, I easy get inlove with people, but I can't find the person worth that, especially in this country.
I have offers to go out on fridays and weekends, but most of the time it's guys without any girls just drinking, but I already went through that so don't even want to come back, but still sometimes I accept the offers, as I would go insane without going anywhere.
I saw one of the girls from my country, in my college, I added her on the FaceBook, we met few times, but she's literally just likes to have a sex, it's one of the abilities I have, that I can see people intentions, their mood and their goals when I talk to them, no offence to any girls. And yesterday was the day, when she came to my flat where I live at, we started kissing and all that. I got a little naked and she did, she was also still a little drunk after the clubbing. The thing is, I am perfectly good kisser and I know some good things to turn the girl on, but I have no experience with the sex. And probably I did crucial mistake, telling her, that I am virgin, well I didn't say straight to the point, actually I am not sure if she understood that. But I did take her underwear down and she told me to do the same, so literally oficially yesterday was the first day, when I was standing naked in front of the naked girl. And my thingy... Even it's 16 cm, it looked so small an d scared and I couldn't get it up. Well we started kssing again, and she tried to turn me on, but it didn't work as my little budy already had some action that day, and stupid me that I smoked 2 cigaretes before the night which did slowed the blood pressure. So thats it, nothing happend. She understood, as she had experience with all this sex and stuff, but for me it's literally new world. I slept like 3 hours tonight. I felt and still feeling so frurstrated about what happend, she might not take it so seriously as I do, but she might not be interested anymore in this. God.... :(
What would u guys say about this situation, even the opinions from girls side are highly welcome. I am literally dead now and can't even think about that moment anymore as it makes me feel very very very embarassed.
I am just realising that, I always try my best everywhere, but it doesn't go well, I should be happy, but I am not. I feel so bad and so unsatisfied with everything what's happening. I maybe thought only a good relationship could change that, which is completely hard to find it. I don't even know how to move forwards all my motivation is starting to dissapear for everything...
that's my story so far.
:(
Put the internet to work for you.
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