Yes -- I am the cheating POS. Now what???
We were married for 18 years with all sorts of ups-n-downs. After several years of "mostly down" I took up with an old flame on Facebook. I was enjoying the attention so much I convinced myself that my husband was a Big Jerk who didn't love me the way I deserved to be loved . . . that it wasn't worth coming to husband with my concerns or needs . . . I felt like I "woke up" and wanted to be the girl I "used to be" -- someone who enjoyed life, was playful, etc.
During the course of the Emotional/Long Distance Affair, I made the decision to cheat. I figured I had 3 choices . . .
1) Leave
2) Stay and be miserable (be faithful to a spouse I didn't like or respect very much)
3) Stay and be happy (ie -- have cake and eat it too)
Yes -- there were other very good options I didn't consider because I was being incredibly selfish, short-sighted, and delusional (Fog, anyone???). When that EA ended with my heart feeling broken (OM decided he wouldn't respect a woman who was willing to fvck him while married to another) I sort of tried to talk to my husband about "temptation" etc. The message I took away from that conversation was "as long as you don't break up our family." -- meaning as long as I don't leave him and subject the kids to having divorced parents..
That was 5 years ago. I could write a VERY raunchy and VERY sad book about the last 5 years. I can't go back to the time of that first Other but if I could I would want to change everything -- TALK to my husband, be honest even if it was difficult, figure things out together.
So -- here I am. It was NOT my husband's fault! I could probably rationalize murder if I put my mind to it . . . and I am pretty sure if I "came clean" with him, he would fall down dead on the spot. That really isn't an exaggeration. He probably wouldn't divorce me, but his entire world would collapse. He would have every right to hate me forever and do anything that he wanted to make my life miserable. If he DID go that route (instead of just falling dead or crumbling into nothing) I would push for divorce -- being hostile and hateful is no way for the kids to live. Better that they find out I ruined everything and Dad wont fake "being normal/happy" than live with parents who fight or mope all the time.
So -- now what??
My husband deserves a better life -- deserves a wife (me) who provides for his emotional needs and who gives him a chance to respond to mine. It is completely unfair that I have made him feel like I don't like him much and (only just recently) that I won't/don't like to have sex with him.
Right now I am not sure I WANT to make nice with him, to start caring for him and letting him connect to my tender parts (heart, not genitals, people) -- and in large part the reason I am keeping my distance is because IF I went "all in" with him and worked to generate those "in love with each other" feelings again . . . I would have to face how horrible I have been -- it seems "easier / wiser" to just keep my distance, to focus on the ways he is "not the man I would pick to be with if I were picking again."
I dug a hole, filled it with nasty sh1t, and jumped in.
I have no idea how to continue. (Killing myself is not an option I will take -- I've done a LOT to hurt other people, but I wont do THAT to my kids.)
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment