Hello forum :)
I hope that you are all doing well. I posted here earlier in the year concerning general relationship welfare, and I got tremendous advice. As such, I would like to get your input concerning a more specific matter: How to deal with a somewhat volatile and controlling future mother-in-law.
The matter concerns myself (male, 25 years), my wife-to-be (female, 24), and her mother. Her mother has been, for so long as she has been married (more than 30 years), the dominant and outspoken one of the family. To be quite frank of it, she is one to bark orders to members of her family, yet shrug off simple requests from others. She has said on a number of occasions that she wishes others would simply do things her way so that things could be done more quickly and to the point. Stranger still, if others do not want to do something that she wants to do, she whines and complains to try and wear them down. If others outright refuse her, she pouts or, if the present company is immediate family only, throws childlike tantrums. To others, my own family included, she has a tendency to condescend or, at best, insist on getting the final word.
She and I have had minor run-ins concerning frivolous matters (how to play a simple board game being a quaint example), and I think she understands that I will not be manipulated or worn down if I feel that her requests are unfair for the rest of the group. She still verbally snipes at me if I contradict her, but I do not engage her or give her any negative feedback.
What bothers me, however, is how her behavior hurts my fiancee. Her mother clearly knows that she can be worn down or guilted into doing things, and I cannot imagine that she is ignorant of how this hurts her. As we are currently planning a wedding, my fiancee is already feeling especially frayed at the nerves, and this is only exacerbated by my future mother-in-law's antics. I swear, her mother has actually said (to others in her church groups), "Kids these days act like weddings are all about them."
My issue is this: After my marriage begins, how should I engage my future mother-in-law? Personally, I want to have a heart-to-heart with her concerning new boundaries. I feel that my wife's welfare is priority-one for me, and if her mother continues to, every day, subtly undermine the wishes of my partner, I should be able to confront her on this, indignantly so if necessary. However, I have also heard it said that doing so would only complicate things between my future wife and me, that doing so would create an uncomfortable chasm in our immediate family, one that, perhaps, my wife would eventually come to resent me for. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and make things more difficult for my fiancee, but I cannot abide by her mother continuing unchallenged.
I could type for hours on this issue, but I turn it over to you. I'll clarify any issues if necessary. Thank you all so much for your input.
I hope that you are all doing well. I posted here earlier in the year concerning general relationship welfare, and I got tremendous advice. As such, I would like to get your input concerning a more specific matter: How to deal with a somewhat volatile and controlling future mother-in-law.
The matter concerns myself (male, 25 years), my wife-to-be (female, 24), and her mother. Her mother has been, for so long as she has been married (more than 30 years), the dominant and outspoken one of the family. To be quite frank of it, she is one to bark orders to members of her family, yet shrug off simple requests from others. She has said on a number of occasions that she wishes others would simply do things her way so that things could be done more quickly and to the point. Stranger still, if others do not want to do something that she wants to do, she whines and complains to try and wear them down. If others outright refuse her, she pouts or, if the present company is immediate family only, throws childlike tantrums. To others, my own family included, she has a tendency to condescend or, at best, insist on getting the final word.
She and I have had minor run-ins concerning frivolous matters (how to play a simple board game being a quaint example), and I think she understands that I will not be manipulated or worn down if I feel that her requests are unfair for the rest of the group. She still verbally snipes at me if I contradict her, but I do not engage her or give her any negative feedback.
What bothers me, however, is how her behavior hurts my fiancee. Her mother clearly knows that she can be worn down or guilted into doing things, and I cannot imagine that she is ignorant of how this hurts her. As we are currently planning a wedding, my fiancee is already feeling especially frayed at the nerves, and this is only exacerbated by my future mother-in-law's antics. I swear, her mother has actually said (to others in her church groups), "Kids these days act like weddings are all about them."
My issue is this: After my marriage begins, how should I engage my future mother-in-law? Personally, I want to have a heart-to-heart with her concerning new boundaries. I feel that my wife's welfare is priority-one for me, and if her mother continues to, every day, subtly undermine the wishes of my partner, I should be able to confront her on this, indignantly so if necessary. However, I have also heard it said that doing so would only complicate things between my future wife and me, that doing so would create an uncomfortable chasm in our immediate family, one that, perhaps, my wife would eventually come to resent me for. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and make things more difficult for my fiancee, but I cannot abide by her mother continuing unchallenged.
I could type for hours on this issue, but I turn it over to you. I'll clarify any issues if necessary. Thank you all so much for your input.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment