Hi everyone...
I'm reaching out to you in a moment of frustration, anger with myself and great sadness... Maybe someone has had this sort of experience and can give me some kind of advice...I don't know...I just need to know right now that I'm not the only one who's been in this situation, and that I'm not a bad person...:(
Thanks in advance to anyone who will bother even only to read, it's going to be a very long post, and I apologise for any mistakes but I'll be sobbing while writing all this...
For the past 4 years I've had an online friend with whom I clicked straight away...We "met" on a game (at the time I was 15, he is almost 5 years older than me), we played hours and hours together, teased each other like friends do...We had a lovely friendship going, after about a year I hinted that I liked him, he did too, and for a time we were thinking of seeing each other. However, in the end we both thought about it and came to the conclusion that we couldn't really trust our feelings as it was all online and we had never seen each other, so we just kept on being friends.
After a few months, I fell in love with a guy at school, and my online friend sincerely wished me the best; the relationship with this other guy lasted about a year, after which I contacted my online friend who I hand't heard in a long time. He advised me not to talk to him then because I was still confused and sad after my previous relationship, so I listened to him; after a month, I started talking to him again, saying it was all over, I was ok and I was no longer thinking about it.
This went on for more than a year, until just a few months ago we said we liked each other enough to want to meet up and see what could happen (now I'm 19, he's 24).
He took the whole burden of the long trip to get to me (5 hours by bus) upon himself, and had planned with me to stay two nights and leave today. He kept saying that it didn't mean we HAD to end up together or do anything intimate to make me worry less..
Being a very, very anxious person, I felt sick, had problems eating, felt horrible in general while being around him, even though he was doing his best to make me feel better... After a few hours I finally started feeling a bit better, joked around like we used to online, he was just like I thought he was...So I was really happy...We saw a film together at the cinema, went for walks holding hands, laughed about the awkwardness of not having to worry about our slow internet connection...I was having a lovely time with him, and he kept telling me he had never felt better (he had never had a "proper" girlfriend, and was gradually starting to see me as one...).
While we were kissing and sitting together, holding hands (he loved every moment, but I started feeling a bit weird about it), I had this sort of realisation that I just couldn't see him as more than a very good friend...Physically he just wasn't my type, and when he kissed me I didn't really feel anything...:(
I felt awful because he was more and more into me..I didn't know how to say no to his kisses, I was so scared of making him feel bad, but I obviously made things worse by letting him continue...
Last night we...got to second base (him to me only..)...I was so confused, desperately hoping that I would change my mind and feel great about being with him...But after a long time of him trying to make me "come", I told him to stop; it just didn't feel right, like we were rushing, even though I didn't say "no" when he asked me before that if I was sure I wanted those attentions...So I took him back to the hotel and was a bit cold when saying goodnight...
Of course last night wasn't any better: I didn't sleep, I kept thinking about the situation, all the moments we shared and the night before...We were supposed to have a coffee with my dad this morning (he wanted to meet my friend), and the guy made me say last night, while "playing" down there, that we were going to say that we were girlfriend and boyfriend...I felt it wasn't the best time to mention that, as I felt incredibly embarassed and not completely in control of the situation...
This morning, after a good hour of feeling sick, locking myself in the bathroom and crying, I decided to speak to him...
I warned him beforehand by text that I wanted to meet up with him in the square next to the hotel and talk, and had my dad take me there as I wasn't able to drive...
We spoke only a few seconds, he was upset and cold...I was sobbing while telling him that I had a lovely time with him, but I just couldn't see us as more than friends...Also because it would have been a long distance relationship, and, to make things worse, I'm going to study at UCL in September, so that would have made things more complicated...
I feel terrible that now he will have to wait 3 hours before the bus arrives, all by himself....:(
I feel I've ****ed thing up and it's all my fault...He was practically my best friend...Obviously it will be up to him if he wants to keep talking to me or not, but I seriously doubt our friendship will last after this...
He's always been there for me...I'd feel absolutely lost without him...
I don't know what to think anymore...
I would greatly appreciate any input...Be it criticism, reassurance, anything...I guess everything happens to make you learn things about yourself...
Thanks...
I'm reaching out to you in a moment of frustration, anger with myself and great sadness... Maybe someone has had this sort of experience and can give me some kind of advice...I don't know...I just need to know right now that I'm not the only one who's been in this situation, and that I'm not a bad person...:(
Thanks in advance to anyone who will bother even only to read, it's going to be a very long post, and I apologise for any mistakes but I'll be sobbing while writing all this...
For the past 4 years I've had an online friend with whom I clicked straight away...We "met" on a game (at the time I was 15, he is almost 5 years older than me), we played hours and hours together, teased each other like friends do...We had a lovely friendship going, after about a year I hinted that I liked him, he did too, and for a time we were thinking of seeing each other. However, in the end we both thought about it and came to the conclusion that we couldn't really trust our feelings as it was all online and we had never seen each other, so we just kept on being friends.
After a few months, I fell in love with a guy at school, and my online friend sincerely wished me the best; the relationship with this other guy lasted about a year, after which I contacted my online friend who I hand't heard in a long time. He advised me not to talk to him then because I was still confused and sad after my previous relationship, so I listened to him; after a month, I started talking to him again, saying it was all over, I was ok and I was no longer thinking about it.
This went on for more than a year, until just a few months ago we said we liked each other enough to want to meet up and see what could happen (now I'm 19, he's 24).
He took the whole burden of the long trip to get to me (5 hours by bus) upon himself, and had planned with me to stay two nights and leave today. He kept saying that it didn't mean we HAD to end up together or do anything intimate to make me worry less..
Being a very, very anxious person, I felt sick, had problems eating, felt horrible in general while being around him, even though he was doing his best to make me feel better... After a few hours I finally started feeling a bit better, joked around like we used to online, he was just like I thought he was...So I was really happy...We saw a film together at the cinema, went for walks holding hands, laughed about the awkwardness of not having to worry about our slow internet connection...I was having a lovely time with him, and he kept telling me he had never felt better (he had never had a "proper" girlfriend, and was gradually starting to see me as one...).
While we were kissing and sitting together, holding hands (he loved every moment, but I started feeling a bit weird about it), I had this sort of realisation that I just couldn't see him as more than a very good friend...Physically he just wasn't my type, and when he kissed me I didn't really feel anything...:(
I felt awful because he was more and more into me..I didn't know how to say no to his kisses, I was so scared of making him feel bad, but I obviously made things worse by letting him continue...
Last night we...got to second base (him to me only..)...I was so confused, desperately hoping that I would change my mind and feel great about being with him...But after a long time of him trying to make me "come", I told him to stop; it just didn't feel right, like we were rushing, even though I didn't say "no" when he asked me before that if I was sure I wanted those attentions...So I took him back to the hotel and was a bit cold when saying goodnight...
Of course last night wasn't any better: I didn't sleep, I kept thinking about the situation, all the moments we shared and the night before...We were supposed to have a coffee with my dad this morning (he wanted to meet my friend), and the guy made me say last night, while "playing" down there, that we were going to say that we were girlfriend and boyfriend...I felt it wasn't the best time to mention that, as I felt incredibly embarassed and not completely in control of the situation...
This morning, after a good hour of feeling sick, locking myself in the bathroom and crying, I decided to speak to him...
I warned him beforehand by text that I wanted to meet up with him in the square next to the hotel and talk, and had my dad take me there as I wasn't able to drive...
We spoke only a few seconds, he was upset and cold...I was sobbing while telling him that I had a lovely time with him, but I just couldn't see us as more than friends...Also because it would have been a long distance relationship, and, to make things worse, I'm going to study at UCL in September, so that would have made things more complicated...
I feel terrible that now he will have to wait 3 hours before the bus arrives, all by himself....:(
I feel I've ****ed thing up and it's all my fault...He was practically my best friend...Obviously it will be up to him if he wants to keep talking to me or not, but I seriously doubt our friendship will last after this...
He's always been there for me...I'd feel absolutely lost without him...
I don't know what to think anymore...
I would greatly appreciate any input...Be it criticism, reassurance, anything...I guess everything happens to make you learn things about yourself...
Thanks...
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