Hello everyone. I've been lurking on and off for a few days, and have finally decided to register and seek some advice.
My wife and I had lived together in VA for nearly 15 years. In two months we would have been married 10 years.
Last fall, a week after my birthday, we went to a rather large house party thrown by some friends for me, and my "best friend" who was visiting from california, and who's birthday is a week after mine.
As this was one of those parties where almost everyone knows everyone, and it had never been uncommon for us to go our separate ways while socializing with different friends at the same getogether.
This "best friend" had arrived at the party with a girl that he had dated when he lived in the area, and was a mutual friend to both me and my wife. He had been trying earlier in the evening to get his old flame to have sex with him (I overheard them discussing it) but she turned him down. I suppose that my wife was next on his list.
I have since learned through two separate people that attended (one of them the old flame) that at some point in the night my wife and "best friend" had sex. He even wrote the old flame an email the next day telling her that he was sorry he had slept with my wife, and that if she would forgive him he would never truly love anyone but her, yadda, yadda. She of course ceased contact with him, but did not know how to approach me and my wife about what had occurred, so I remained oblivious.
My wife had been dealing with some medical issues for the past few years, and they had caused an onset of depression which she was not dealing well with, and refused to get any sort of treatment for. She became non-responsive to all family and friends, didn't do much of anything around the home, and much of the time was defensive at best, and openly hostile at worst to me.
I had thought she was starting to come around a bit, over the last 6 months or so of our time together, as she was getting out of the house more, and wanted us to take a few expensive vacations together (before this, since the onset of the depression it was difficult to get her to leave the house).
Within a few weeks after this party, I took time off work to take her to two requested vacations, and then to visit her family for a week in another part of the country over Christmas. The week after returning home she had sunken back in to her non-communicative depression, and when I told her that we really needed to talk about how we were going to deal with our communication issues, she informed me that she was leaving and was going to move back in with her family. This was midway through the second week of January.
She stuck around until the first week of February and then told me she had to leave on the 11th. In the next few days that followed I did some digging and found out that this "best friend" had started up communication with her a long time before the fall party and had been telling her that he had an ongoing love for her , I was treating her poorly, I didn't take care of her and was incapable of loving her like he could, yadda, yadda. They did not say that they had slept together, as they were mostly from before the party, but they did discuss that they intended on it at some point. I saved those documents, but did not tell her that I had them. She still is unaware.
I did confront her about the communication back and forth with this "friend", and she told me that who she saw after she left was none of my business, and denied having slept with him (which I now know is a lie)
She left as promised on Feb 11th, telling me she was going to move back in with her family. I had only received a text or two from her in the few weeks following that in response to a few questions I had about if certain bills had been paid the prior month.
When I got my bank statement for the month I found out that she had booked a plane ticket and a flat in downtown LA for Valentines weekend. The only person she knows in that area is the "best friend".
I called the "old flame" to find out if she had any communication with the "best friend", and that's when she broke down and told me that he and my wife had slept together in the emails her sent the "old flame" the next day confirming it and telling her that she was the one true love of his life. She indicated that after a week or two of her not responding, the communication from him had died off, and she hadn't heard back from him since.
My wife has now been in California for over a month. She has not been taking money out of our bank, and had no substantial amount of money on her, or credit that I am aware of or can discover. After speaking with her family, I confirmed the fact that she has in fact been staying with this "best friend".
We have no children, and I'm really ready to move on and get this over with, but in my state it is apparently quite hard to prove adultery, even with the records of communication back and forth, the records of communication between the "best friend" and his "old flame", and the bank records showing the wife booking the flight and Valentines package in LA.
I work for myself as a DBA, and she has only done some paperwork for me (about one 8 hour day day every two weeks, with the exception of the last year when she just stopped doing it, blaming the depression) for the past 5 or 6 years. Before that she had a part time job that lasted only a few months before they let her go. She hasn't worked apart from that in the 15ish years we've been together, and I have been our sole financial supporter.
I've got an appointment tomorrow with a good divorce attny, but before I visit him I would like to be prepared to not freak out in his office. I'm curious how likely it will be, despite everything that she's done to our relationship, that I'll be the one ending up paying her alimony.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
My wife and I had lived together in VA for nearly 15 years. In two months we would have been married 10 years.
Last fall, a week after my birthday, we went to a rather large house party thrown by some friends for me, and my "best friend" who was visiting from california, and who's birthday is a week after mine.
As this was one of those parties where almost everyone knows everyone, and it had never been uncommon for us to go our separate ways while socializing with different friends at the same getogether.
This "best friend" had arrived at the party with a girl that he had dated when he lived in the area, and was a mutual friend to both me and my wife. He had been trying earlier in the evening to get his old flame to have sex with him (I overheard them discussing it) but she turned him down. I suppose that my wife was next on his list.
I have since learned through two separate people that attended (one of them the old flame) that at some point in the night my wife and "best friend" had sex. He even wrote the old flame an email the next day telling her that he was sorry he had slept with my wife, and that if she would forgive him he would never truly love anyone but her, yadda, yadda. She of course ceased contact with him, but did not know how to approach me and my wife about what had occurred, so I remained oblivious.
My wife had been dealing with some medical issues for the past few years, and they had caused an onset of depression which she was not dealing well with, and refused to get any sort of treatment for. She became non-responsive to all family and friends, didn't do much of anything around the home, and much of the time was defensive at best, and openly hostile at worst to me.
I had thought she was starting to come around a bit, over the last 6 months or so of our time together, as she was getting out of the house more, and wanted us to take a few expensive vacations together (before this, since the onset of the depression it was difficult to get her to leave the house).
Within a few weeks after this party, I took time off work to take her to two requested vacations, and then to visit her family for a week in another part of the country over Christmas. The week after returning home she had sunken back in to her non-communicative depression, and when I told her that we really needed to talk about how we were going to deal with our communication issues, she informed me that she was leaving and was going to move back in with her family. This was midway through the second week of January.
She stuck around until the first week of February and then told me she had to leave on the 11th. In the next few days that followed I did some digging and found out that this "best friend" had started up communication with her a long time before the fall party and had been telling her that he had an ongoing love for her , I was treating her poorly, I didn't take care of her and was incapable of loving her like he could, yadda, yadda. They did not say that they had slept together, as they were mostly from before the party, but they did discuss that they intended on it at some point. I saved those documents, but did not tell her that I had them. She still is unaware.
I did confront her about the communication back and forth with this "friend", and she told me that who she saw after she left was none of my business, and denied having slept with him (which I now know is a lie)
She left as promised on Feb 11th, telling me she was going to move back in with her family. I had only received a text or two from her in the few weeks following that in response to a few questions I had about if certain bills had been paid the prior month.
When I got my bank statement for the month I found out that she had booked a plane ticket and a flat in downtown LA for Valentines weekend. The only person she knows in that area is the "best friend".
I called the "old flame" to find out if she had any communication with the "best friend", and that's when she broke down and told me that he and my wife had slept together in the emails her sent the "old flame" the next day confirming it and telling her that she was the one true love of his life. She indicated that after a week or two of her not responding, the communication from him had died off, and she hadn't heard back from him since.
My wife has now been in California for over a month. She has not been taking money out of our bank, and had no substantial amount of money on her, or credit that I am aware of or can discover. After speaking with her family, I confirmed the fact that she has in fact been staying with this "best friend".
We have no children, and I'm really ready to move on and get this over with, but in my state it is apparently quite hard to prove adultery, even with the records of communication back and forth, the records of communication between the "best friend" and his "old flame", and the bank records showing the wife booking the flight and Valentines package in LA.
I work for myself as a DBA, and she has only done some paperwork for me (about one 8 hour day day every two weeks, with the exception of the last year when she just stopped doing it, blaming the depression) for the past 5 or 6 years. Before that she had a part time job that lasted only a few months before they let her go. She hasn't worked apart from that in the 15ish years we've been together, and I have been our sole financial supporter.
I've got an appointment tomorrow with a good divorce attny, but before I visit him I would like to be prepared to not freak out in his office. I'm curious how likely it will be, despite everything that she's done to our relationship, that I'll be the one ending up paying her alimony.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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