It's been a little over 4 months since I first posted here. Backstory: Engaged, we were having trouble getting along, lots of nasty fights and jealousy from me, a sort of "love/hate" thing going on on my end (maybe his too).. was a very passionate but turbulent relationship. We both seemed to almost enjoy the fighting and neither of us knew how to back down. He wasn't the instigator most of the time.. that was usually all on me. But he certainly would try and finish the fights, so to speak.
We decided to not make any concrete wedding plans, and starting working on us. Things were looking up. I came here when we had hit rock bottom, and knew we were at a "make it or break it" point in our relationship. Since then, our relationship had improved majorly. We both put in a lot of effort and everything was looking up. The nasty fights have stopped.. we are both able to walk away when things get heated and let each other cool down. Our communication has improved 100%. We've always expressed our feelings, but can do so now without yelling, fighting, getting defensive, etc.
The holidays were nice and we, for a period of about 6 weeks, sort of "fell in love all over again". Acted like new lovers. It was nice. Really nice. But then something shifted and now I'm worried all over again. Not because we're fighting.. we are not. But because he seems to be letting go of everything.
He slowly stopped taking care of himself. Showering only every other day.. no other grooming.. I had to drag him to get a haircut this last time. He has gained 20lbs. He's tall so it doesn't show much and it doesn't bother me, but he complains about it now almost every day and then inhales a bag of chips. He stopped helping around the house. Left all the heavy outside winter work up to me, even while I was ill. We both started drinking more. Like we're trying to escape. We say we're going out to get out of the house and have some couple time, but I'm not sure that's really it. Sex has come to a screeching halt, and that's very unusual for us.. going from sex sometimes twice daily to once every 2 weeks or so now. He wont initiate, and if I do, I'm often shot down. We have had one other short-lived dry spell in our relationship like this, due to outside stress. This is different I think. He just sits on his phone reading and pays no attention to anything.
We've had 3 or 4 good discussions about this now. Each time he insists nothing is wrong with us, says that he's happy with me, that he doesn't know why he's behaving this way, or he blames it on the brutal winter, and says things will improve. Nothing is improving. I'm slowly sinking. And now he's talking about changing up careers, taking more time off in the Spring first, being home more and remodeling the house a little. I'm hoping all that will help his mood, but somehow I just don't see it happening that way. The more he's home, the worse he seems to feel.
I've been very patient through all of this. I haven't complained.. I've only tried to talk to him and motivate him. But it isn't working and I'm getting scared. I'm thinking he misses the drama. I'm thinking that without it, our relationship is boring to him. The passion seemed to leave with the fighting. It was strange.. a week ago I got in to an argument with a friend. I sort of went off on this person and let them have a piece of my mind. After, my fiance grabbed me, pushed me up against the sink and had his way with me. Just something about that instance screamed, "he only loves you when you're mad." I hope that isn't true. I hope that isn't what's going on here. I hope I hope I hope.
What can I do? I just want to have a healthy relationship, eventually marry and be good to each other. I don't want to fight. I don't want the drama. But I don't want him depressed and "out of it". Especially not for many more months to come. I'm starting to think about what life would be like with someone else. I'm starting to worry that he's drifting away because he's bored, or that he looks at us differently now that we don't fight anymore. I'm starting to lose hope. Like if it's not one extreme, it's the other. Someone please tell me things will get better when the winter finally eases up!!!
We decided to not make any concrete wedding plans, and starting working on us. Things were looking up. I came here when we had hit rock bottom, and knew we were at a "make it or break it" point in our relationship. Since then, our relationship had improved majorly. We both put in a lot of effort and everything was looking up. The nasty fights have stopped.. we are both able to walk away when things get heated and let each other cool down. Our communication has improved 100%. We've always expressed our feelings, but can do so now without yelling, fighting, getting defensive, etc.
The holidays were nice and we, for a period of about 6 weeks, sort of "fell in love all over again". Acted like new lovers. It was nice. Really nice. But then something shifted and now I'm worried all over again. Not because we're fighting.. we are not. But because he seems to be letting go of everything.
He slowly stopped taking care of himself. Showering only every other day.. no other grooming.. I had to drag him to get a haircut this last time. He has gained 20lbs. He's tall so it doesn't show much and it doesn't bother me, but he complains about it now almost every day and then inhales a bag of chips. He stopped helping around the house. Left all the heavy outside winter work up to me, even while I was ill. We both started drinking more. Like we're trying to escape. We say we're going out to get out of the house and have some couple time, but I'm not sure that's really it. Sex has come to a screeching halt, and that's very unusual for us.. going from sex sometimes twice daily to once every 2 weeks or so now. He wont initiate, and if I do, I'm often shot down. We have had one other short-lived dry spell in our relationship like this, due to outside stress. This is different I think. He just sits on his phone reading and pays no attention to anything.
We've had 3 or 4 good discussions about this now. Each time he insists nothing is wrong with us, says that he's happy with me, that he doesn't know why he's behaving this way, or he blames it on the brutal winter, and says things will improve. Nothing is improving. I'm slowly sinking. And now he's talking about changing up careers, taking more time off in the Spring first, being home more and remodeling the house a little. I'm hoping all that will help his mood, but somehow I just don't see it happening that way. The more he's home, the worse he seems to feel.
I've been very patient through all of this. I haven't complained.. I've only tried to talk to him and motivate him. But it isn't working and I'm getting scared. I'm thinking he misses the drama. I'm thinking that without it, our relationship is boring to him. The passion seemed to leave with the fighting. It was strange.. a week ago I got in to an argument with a friend. I sort of went off on this person and let them have a piece of my mind. After, my fiance grabbed me, pushed me up against the sink and had his way with me. Just something about that instance screamed, "he only loves you when you're mad." I hope that isn't true. I hope that isn't what's going on here. I hope I hope I hope.
What can I do? I just want to have a healthy relationship, eventually marry and be good to each other. I don't want to fight. I don't want the drama. But I don't want him depressed and "out of it". Especially not for many more months to come. I'm starting to think about what life would be like with someone else. I'm starting to worry that he's drifting away because he's bored, or that he looks at us differently now that we don't fight anymore. I'm starting to lose hope. Like if it's not one extreme, it's the other. Someone please tell me things will get better when the winter finally eases up!!!
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