in that mood i get into. i swear i have a psychological issue...
i have been going into these moods ever since i saw my best friend get ripped in two in a horrible car accident... we were at our high school prom and i saw an ex at the party, someone i had broken up with for cheating. yeah, i know. high school, how important could that relationship really have been? well, i was pretty insecure back then. so, i bugged my friend until him and his date agreed to go with me to an after party.
we never made it there. a man who liked to drive his F-150 too fast down some curvy roads at night drifted into our lane and hit him head on. the impact completely crushed his car. it crushed him from his left shoulder to his right hip and left his date paralyzed from the neck down...
i was following him and managed to bail off to the right side of the road. i got out and tried to help them, make sure they were ok. i went completely numb when i saw him up close. i felt like a complete robot. no fear, no pain, just numb. it was like it wasnt happening, i was just going through the motions of what i knew i should do, almost like i was watching the whole thing happen instead of living it. called 911. helped driver of the other vehicle. at the time, there was no inclination that he caused something horrible, that he did this through his careless actions. the thought that it was HIS fault didnt even cross my mind at the time.
it wasn't until i went back to school and saw the plants my friend had propagated in the agricultural department that it really hit me what had happened. i ended up screaming in the greenhouse for most of an hour. the worst part was the thought that i caused it. he didn't want to leave the prom so soon. i pushed him. he knew about my weaknesses. he was just being a really good friend...
ever since then, i get into moods where i visualize processes. i think of it as "going down the rabbit hole". start with one event, one piece of information, and start imagining and visualizing where it will go. i feel a bit anxious during it, but at the same time, its not necessarily a bad form of anxiety. its more like i am seeing something wondrous, something that i can barely understand. like i am watching something that is too much for me to fully grasp, and i am just doing my best to get the best of the details and try to find a way to make sense of it.
i think something fundamentally changed in me the day i saw my best friend die. after that, i have never felt safe being complacent, or innocent or naive. i went from being an optimist to a realist. but, i know how much he LOVED. he was the kind of guy that would tell you that he doesn't care you have issues. he doesn't care that you have fears. he didnt care that i hated sports, he liked talking to me about ecology and botany and limnology.
most people would have pinned him as a stupid redneck, but when we both took an IQ test for fun, he scored 163. the guy was brilliant, he just loved to talk with that southern drawl he grew up with and use every cliche redneck colloquialism that ever existed!
i blamed myself for a while. i pulled away from everyone. looking back, i think it was because of the guilt. i ended up being a pretty horrible person to be around. a complete cynic. i ended up feeling choked around so many people. i decided to take a break from everyone and disappeared into the Santa Fe swamp system in north central Florida. i didnt come out for nearly three months. it was just easier out there, simpler. no guilt, no worries about whether i was letting someone down, just existence. learning how to eat snakes, spiders, grubs, worms, frogs, etc... that was all incredibly easy compared to looking someone in the eye and feeling like i was just as worthy as everyone else.
eventually, i got lazy and drank water before it had come to a boil. i never bothered with the stagnant water laying around. it all smelled like old rotten socks, and i couldnt bring myself to drink it(i have an insanely strong sense of smell). so i took my cleanest t-shirt every morning and swiped it on every dew covered plant in sight until it was soaked and rung it out into a plastic jar and poured it into a leather whine skin that i bought online from some camping supply store. since there was a railroad nearby, i had plenty of rocks to heat up and set on it in order to boil the water inside it.
if you are ever in a survival situation, dont fall prey to impatience. in the two weeks that followed that day, i lost about thirty pounds from severe dehydration. i went into the swamp weighing 142 and came out weighing 96. even after i managed to get back to my parents house, i still looked like had just stepped out of auschwitz.
this was me, after i came out. after i had spent some time drinking water. i was THIN!
i learned something from it though. i learned that i can eat a spider if i picture myself as a racoon. i learned that i could act like a bobcat and i would be able to sneak up on dear and nutria. basically, i learned that i could be something that i wasn't. im not a wild animal, but i can do the same things as a wild animal just by thought alone. pull my teeth back like a raccoon, picture myself as one, and i can chow down on a live baby bird if i want. if i can do that, then what else can i do?
i guess that was the real turning point for me. i realized at that point that i can change how i act. i ended up going into one of those moods and saw a whole process flash through my head...
it was a bit painful to see. i saw myself "going down the rabbit hole". i saw myself embracing this idea to the max, and i saw a possibility for what i might turn into. i liked what i saw. i dont want to be weak. i want to be strong, resilient, confident. i certainly dont want to be dead inside. i dont want to be an empty shell... just a wild animal...
thats what prompted me to forgive myself for my involvement in my best friends death. i dont want to hold such horrible feelings for the rest of my life. i know that Ricky wouldn't want it... he would tell me to "get back up on that saddle. F&*k that horse! tomorrow your gonna hit it hotter than a fresh f&^ked fox in a forest fire!"
im not entirely sure what that means, but its one of those quotes that pretty much exemplifies his personality. he encouraged me. it meant a lot. i wish i would have told him how much it meant to me...
just so you all no, i have no real purpose to this post. im just seeing my past tonight. writing it out is therapeutic i think. its hard to describe. i feel like my scar comes in the form of the rabbit hole.
its like a start with one point, one situation, and i see a thousand possibilities for its future. its hard to capture them all.
i have to admit though, i do often go back to that day. i guess that's where the compulsion started.
to date, 9 of my friends have died in the army, from combat or training accidents, etc. most from combat. i was only there for one. i think it was my best friend in high school that taught me how to deal with these situations.
i have been going into these moods ever since i saw my best friend get ripped in two in a horrible car accident... we were at our high school prom and i saw an ex at the party, someone i had broken up with for cheating. yeah, i know. high school, how important could that relationship really have been? well, i was pretty insecure back then. so, i bugged my friend until him and his date agreed to go with me to an after party.
we never made it there. a man who liked to drive his F-150 too fast down some curvy roads at night drifted into our lane and hit him head on. the impact completely crushed his car. it crushed him from his left shoulder to his right hip and left his date paralyzed from the neck down...
i was following him and managed to bail off to the right side of the road. i got out and tried to help them, make sure they were ok. i went completely numb when i saw him up close. i felt like a complete robot. no fear, no pain, just numb. it was like it wasnt happening, i was just going through the motions of what i knew i should do, almost like i was watching the whole thing happen instead of living it. called 911. helped driver of the other vehicle. at the time, there was no inclination that he caused something horrible, that he did this through his careless actions. the thought that it was HIS fault didnt even cross my mind at the time.
it wasn't until i went back to school and saw the plants my friend had propagated in the agricultural department that it really hit me what had happened. i ended up screaming in the greenhouse for most of an hour. the worst part was the thought that i caused it. he didn't want to leave the prom so soon. i pushed him. he knew about my weaknesses. he was just being a really good friend...
ever since then, i get into moods where i visualize processes. i think of it as "going down the rabbit hole". start with one event, one piece of information, and start imagining and visualizing where it will go. i feel a bit anxious during it, but at the same time, its not necessarily a bad form of anxiety. its more like i am seeing something wondrous, something that i can barely understand. like i am watching something that is too much for me to fully grasp, and i am just doing my best to get the best of the details and try to find a way to make sense of it.
i think something fundamentally changed in me the day i saw my best friend die. after that, i have never felt safe being complacent, or innocent or naive. i went from being an optimist to a realist. but, i know how much he LOVED. he was the kind of guy that would tell you that he doesn't care you have issues. he doesn't care that you have fears. he didnt care that i hated sports, he liked talking to me about ecology and botany and limnology.
most people would have pinned him as a stupid redneck, but when we both took an IQ test for fun, he scored 163. the guy was brilliant, he just loved to talk with that southern drawl he grew up with and use every cliche redneck colloquialism that ever existed!
i blamed myself for a while. i pulled away from everyone. looking back, i think it was because of the guilt. i ended up being a pretty horrible person to be around. a complete cynic. i ended up feeling choked around so many people. i decided to take a break from everyone and disappeared into the Santa Fe swamp system in north central Florida. i didnt come out for nearly three months. it was just easier out there, simpler. no guilt, no worries about whether i was letting someone down, just existence. learning how to eat snakes, spiders, grubs, worms, frogs, etc... that was all incredibly easy compared to looking someone in the eye and feeling like i was just as worthy as everyone else.
eventually, i got lazy and drank water before it had come to a boil. i never bothered with the stagnant water laying around. it all smelled like old rotten socks, and i couldnt bring myself to drink it(i have an insanely strong sense of smell). so i took my cleanest t-shirt every morning and swiped it on every dew covered plant in sight until it was soaked and rung it out into a plastic jar and poured it into a leather whine skin that i bought online from some camping supply store. since there was a railroad nearby, i had plenty of rocks to heat up and set on it in order to boil the water inside it.
if you are ever in a survival situation, dont fall prey to impatience. in the two weeks that followed that day, i lost about thirty pounds from severe dehydration. i went into the swamp weighing 142 and came out weighing 96. even after i managed to get back to my parents house, i still looked like had just stepped out of auschwitz.
this was me, after i came out. after i had spent some time drinking water. i was THIN!
i learned something from it though. i learned that i can eat a spider if i picture myself as a racoon. i learned that i could act like a bobcat and i would be able to sneak up on dear and nutria. basically, i learned that i could be something that i wasn't. im not a wild animal, but i can do the same things as a wild animal just by thought alone. pull my teeth back like a raccoon, picture myself as one, and i can chow down on a live baby bird if i want. if i can do that, then what else can i do?
i guess that was the real turning point for me. i realized at that point that i can change how i act. i ended up going into one of those moods and saw a whole process flash through my head...
it was a bit painful to see. i saw myself "going down the rabbit hole". i saw myself embracing this idea to the max, and i saw a possibility for what i might turn into. i liked what i saw. i dont want to be weak. i want to be strong, resilient, confident. i certainly dont want to be dead inside. i dont want to be an empty shell... just a wild animal...
thats what prompted me to forgive myself for my involvement in my best friends death. i dont want to hold such horrible feelings for the rest of my life. i know that Ricky wouldn't want it... he would tell me to "get back up on that saddle. F&*k that horse! tomorrow your gonna hit it hotter than a fresh f&^ked fox in a forest fire!"
im not entirely sure what that means, but its one of those quotes that pretty much exemplifies his personality. he encouraged me. it meant a lot. i wish i would have told him how much it meant to me...
just so you all no, i have no real purpose to this post. im just seeing my past tonight. writing it out is therapeutic i think. its hard to describe. i feel like my scar comes in the form of the rabbit hole.
its like a start with one point, one situation, and i see a thousand possibilities for its future. its hard to capture them all.
i have to admit though, i do often go back to that day. i guess that's where the compulsion started.
to date, 9 of my friends have died in the army, from combat or training accidents, etc. most from combat. i was only there for one. i think it was my best friend in high school that taught me how to deal with these situations.
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