my wife has had depression/anxiety issues for years.
8 years ago, we were in a stressful time in our relationship and i fooled around w/ someone else. it ended but we resumed intermittent email contact years later which went on until a little over a year ago (when she found out about anything.) over and done but left its mark, that's for sure. i lied for years to cover a painful truth and only made it worse. no trust now.
now we've just moved and everything is crumbling. everything is folding in on itself, she hates my family, the town, me, the school, you name it. of course any move is difficult but she's truly in the realm of being impervious to ANYTHING good about, again, me, my family, the town, you name it. wants to get the hell out, possibly separate. just light a fire and torch her entire life, except for the kids i'd assume.
the thing here is i believe much of this is wrapped up/was a trigger for her depression. and the dilemma: how do you try and get her to realize at least some of this is due to that, when i did legitimately screw up as well? the depression is dragging it to impossibly dark places but...i started it, didn't i? how do i say "you're making this worse than it has to be" without triggering "you cant tell me how to feel!" or "i didn't want to move here, your mom isn't nice, you screwed around...how is that my fault?" because...she'd be right, wouldn't she?
i'm trying to own that blame. but facts are i'm here for her, my family aren't a bunch of demons, and we live in a town many people would kill to live in, and many people move back to because they remember what a great place it was to grow up in. this is all about to explode, kids are going to have to learn ANOTHER school, etc., and i just wish there was some magic way to have her take a breath, separate some of these issues, and try to find happiness without burning everything to the ground.
any thoughts greatly appreciated, thank you.
8 years ago, we were in a stressful time in our relationship and i fooled around w/ someone else. it ended but we resumed intermittent email contact years later which went on until a little over a year ago (when she found out about anything.) over and done but left its mark, that's for sure. i lied for years to cover a painful truth and only made it worse. no trust now.
now we've just moved and everything is crumbling. everything is folding in on itself, she hates my family, the town, me, the school, you name it. of course any move is difficult but she's truly in the realm of being impervious to ANYTHING good about, again, me, my family, the town, you name it. wants to get the hell out, possibly separate. just light a fire and torch her entire life, except for the kids i'd assume.
the thing here is i believe much of this is wrapped up/was a trigger for her depression. and the dilemma: how do you try and get her to realize at least some of this is due to that, when i did legitimately screw up as well? the depression is dragging it to impossibly dark places but...i started it, didn't i? how do i say "you're making this worse than it has to be" without triggering "you cant tell me how to feel!" or "i didn't want to move here, your mom isn't nice, you screwed around...how is that my fault?" because...she'd be right, wouldn't she?
i'm trying to own that blame. but facts are i'm here for her, my family aren't a bunch of demons, and we live in a town many people would kill to live in, and many people move back to because they remember what a great place it was to grow up in. this is all about to explode, kids are going to have to learn ANOTHER school, etc., and i just wish there was some magic way to have her take a breath, separate some of these issues, and try to find happiness without burning everything to the ground.
any thoughts greatly appreciated, thank you.
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