Hi, I'm new here and seeking some general marriage/relationship advice.
Sorry for such a long post and I will post cliff notes on the bottom.
Little background: Married for almost 15 years/together for 20 with children. Overall our marriage has been great and I have to say I'm a very lucky/happy man. I love my wife dearly and I feel the same coming from her. We are best friends and spend a LOT of time together and really enjoy it.We are high school sweethearts and had a child very early (18/19). My wife and I were both not very good in school but initially we figured that we would have to jeopardize a lot to raise our child/children and she would be the home maker and I would be the provider.
As we had more kids, her job at home grew and obviously expenses grew as well, but we have really been doing great overall. We were able to purchase a house about 5 years back and paid off our debt and are in a pretty good financial situation (based on the past). But still no where near where we should be (no emergency fund, low monthly savings and kids are slowly approaching age of college).
From household standpoint my wife has really stepped up from the get go. I know raising 4 kids is the hardest job out there, and she has done fantastic work. House is always clean, food on the table and I have to say she has been the best stay at home mom I can think of (and do my best to help out when I get home). Now that the kids are older her household responsibilities have minimized. Past 10 or so years i have been talking to her about career and future as I knew time would come when she would have to work.
Unfortunately my wife upbringing was extremely rough and family never cared to motivate their kids/keep them busy or stress importance of education etc.
My family offered her to pay for Community college/higher education etc but she was either too busy (hard to blame her) or just had no interest/didn't know what to do (which if normal as well IMO).
Lately (6months - year) I've been really putting much more pressure on her to get something going (anything), just want to see her be proactive. She has somewhat low self esteem and doesn't believe she can be successful in professional world, which is understandable. She says things like "I will just get a minimum wage job" and it just pisses me off that she sets her standards so low. Also minimum wage job would do NOTHING for us (especially in the long run), it's kind of her jerk reaction. I'm not really looking for instant help, but education/steps towards career.....I know this woman can do great in the corp workforce. Especially since I've worked with SO many useless/worthless people over the year hehe.
She has been putting in 5-10 hour weeks (part time) but that hardly puts a dent into our family expenses and she can put in more, but refuses to learn on the job (opportunity has always been there, its my moms business). But every little bit helps and I do appreciate it. She has/had the opportunity to learn things within my moms business (where she works) but just gives up/not interest/doesn't want to do it. She also had opportunity with other family members and even enjoys the work they do.....but again, 0 steps taken.
I've involved her into finances over the years and she knows very well what it takes to sustain/maintain our family. I also wanted her to really be able to manage spreadsheets/do bills and be more involved.....but she really showed no interest in it (I know many men would love that hehe). I just don't want her to end up like her family member that lost their loved one (death) and had NO clue what to do/where anything is or how to manage finances (I'm REALLY scared of that). She would be LOST if I died today.
When it comes to spending money my wife has really been incredible. She is low maintenance, doesn't do shopping sprees and we only purchase what we can afford etc. So no complaints there.
On my end, I never went to college (trade school) and an on my 3rd career. Able to support/provide for my family entire time. I do need to get my but to college and even get cert in my profession but that's a whole another subject.
Anyways, issue at hand is really her lack of ambition to get her career going and just negligence of our financial future.
Finances have been on my shoulders for so long and I just feel very...vulnerable and overwhelmed? Feel like the second I lose my job we are in DEEP financial trouble. And I just don't feel that she has high level of care on this subject,almost seems like she doesn't seem to care what happens?
She says she will go to college and take steps but I just haven't seen any action. She takes a step or too, but give up.
From a financial perspective, I just want some financial back up/stability and also be able to have more money for travel, kids education and especially our retirement. Based on my financial planning I just cannot do it all myself. We are in our 30s and there is still plenty of time.
She also gets VERY defensive when the subject comes up and it's very difficult to talk to her about it (which sets of red flags for me).
It almost feels like my life ambitions/goals are just on a completely different page than her at this point in our life?
To add to above, my wife has been dealing with a lot of health problems (LONG LONG list) and I know this makes things VERY difficult on her. But last year I also have been diagnosed with chronic disease which has potential to cripple me from career perspective. That can happen next year or never, I don't know. But again I feel that our family will fall apart financially if it does happen.
I just don't think my wife can ever even come close to be able to sustain this family financially if I can no longer work. This worries me a LOT.
And when it comes to her health, she really hasn't taken her health seriously either. She never really lost the weight after pregnancies. Even though she is dealing with a lot of pain, she hasn't really taken steps to exercise or eat healthy and lose the weight to "possibly" help her health issues. She tried hard, but it only lasts few weeks or month or so......and back to normal. She is not extremely overweight and I love her body as it is but I just want her to take her health seriously and really work harder to do what she can to improve her health.
Longer this goes on, the more I think that perhaps we are just drifting apart. We are just different people with different outlook/goals in life.
It's getting to a point where I'm reconsidering my marriage. I love her and want to spend rest of my life with her but her carelessness when it comes to health and career seem to be on the extreme end. This will clearly have a deep impact on our future/life in the long run.
I'm just wondering if perhaps this is one of those 80/20 things. Am I simply chasing the 20 percent I can't have and will end up losing the 80% that's amazing in the end?
I have 0 desire or intentions to look for any other significant other, but I'm questioning myself/our future.
I also kind of feel somewhat used? Taken advantage of perhaps? It seems like she is just completely relying on me financially and it's a bit extreme.
Yesterday she sent me an email telling me that she was hanging out with her friend (usually she dedicated 2 weekdays to her family members as well)....which is great and all, but again 0 effort into physical activity/health or career and I feel that should probably take the priority (especially since I'm at work busting my ass to provide for family).
Cliff notes:
-Wife has lack of ambition/career goals.
-Wife has health problems but puts in little effort to improve her eating habits and physical activity.
- I'm questioning our financial future and stability. Also overwhelmed with pressure on me to provide for family.
Thanks in advance to everyone for any help/advice you can provide. I really appreciate it.
Sorry for such a long post and I will post cliff notes on the bottom.
Little background: Married for almost 15 years/together for 20 with children. Overall our marriage has been great and I have to say I'm a very lucky/happy man. I love my wife dearly and I feel the same coming from her. We are best friends and spend a LOT of time together and really enjoy it.We are high school sweethearts and had a child very early (18/19). My wife and I were both not very good in school but initially we figured that we would have to jeopardize a lot to raise our child/children and she would be the home maker and I would be the provider.
As we had more kids, her job at home grew and obviously expenses grew as well, but we have really been doing great overall. We were able to purchase a house about 5 years back and paid off our debt and are in a pretty good financial situation (based on the past). But still no where near where we should be (no emergency fund, low monthly savings and kids are slowly approaching age of college).
From household standpoint my wife has really stepped up from the get go. I know raising 4 kids is the hardest job out there, and she has done fantastic work. House is always clean, food on the table and I have to say she has been the best stay at home mom I can think of (and do my best to help out when I get home). Now that the kids are older her household responsibilities have minimized. Past 10 or so years i have been talking to her about career and future as I knew time would come when she would have to work.
Unfortunately my wife upbringing was extremely rough and family never cared to motivate their kids/keep them busy or stress importance of education etc.
My family offered her to pay for Community college/higher education etc but she was either too busy (hard to blame her) or just had no interest/didn't know what to do (which if normal as well IMO).
Lately (6months - year) I've been really putting much more pressure on her to get something going (anything), just want to see her be proactive. She has somewhat low self esteem and doesn't believe she can be successful in professional world, which is understandable. She says things like "I will just get a minimum wage job" and it just pisses me off that she sets her standards so low. Also minimum wage job would do NOTHING for us (especially in the long run), it's kind of her jerk reaction. I'm not really looking for instant help, but education/steps towards career.....I know this woman can do great in the corp workforce. Especially since I've worked with SO many useless/worthless people over the year hehe.
She has been putting in 5-10 hour weeks (part time) but that hardly puts a dent into our family expenses and she can put in more, but refuses to learn on the job (opportunity has always been there, its my moms business). But every little bit helps and I do appreciate it. She has/had the opportunity to learn things within my moms business (where she works) but just gives up/not interest/doesn't want to do it. She also had opportunity with other family members and even enjoys the work they do.....but again, 0 steps taken.
I've involved her into finances over the years and she knows very well what it takes to sustain/maintain our family. I also wanted her to really be able to manage spreadsheets/do bills and be more involved.....but she really showed no interest in it (I know many men would love that hehe). I just don't want her to end up like her family member that lost their loved one (death) and had NO clue what to do/where anything is or how to manage finances (I'm REALLY scared of that). She would be LOST if I died today.
When it comes to spending money my wife has really been incredible. She is low maintenance, doesn't do shopping sprees and we only purchase what we can afford etc. So no complaints there.
On my end, I never went to college (trade school) and an on my 3rd career. Able to support/provide for my family entire time. I do need to get my but to college and even get cert in my profession but that's a whole another subject.
Anyways, issue at hand is really her lack of ambition to get her career going and just negligence of our financial future.
Finances have been on my shoulders for so long and I just feel very...vulnerable and overwhelmed? Feel like the second I lose my job we are in DEEP financial trouble. And I just don't feel that she has high level of care on this subject,almost seems like she doesn't seem to care what happens?
She says she will go to college and take steps but I just haven't seen any action. She takes a step or too, but give up.
From a financial perspective, I just want some financial back up/stability and also be able to have more money for travel, kids education and especially our retirement. Based on my financial planning I just cannot do it all myself. We are in our 30s and there is still plenty of time.
She also gets VERY defensive when the subject comes up and it's very difficult to talk to her about it (which sets of red flags for me).
It almost feels like my life ambitions/goals are just on a completely different page than her at this point in our life?
To add to above, my wife has been dealing with a lot of health problems (LONG LONG list) and I know this makes things VERY difficult on her. But last year I also have been diagnosed with chronic disease which has potential to cripple me from career perspective. That can happen next year or never, I don't know. But again I feel that our family will fall apart financially if it does happen.
I just don't think my wife can ever even come close to be able to sustain this family financially if I can no longer work. This worries me a LOT.
And when it comes to her health, she really hasn't taken her health seriously either. She never really lost the weight after pregnancies. Even though she is dealing with a lot of pain, she hasn't really taken steps to exercise or eat healthy and lose the weight to "possibly" help her health issues. She tried hard, but it only lasts few weeks or month or so......and back to normal. She is not extremely overweight and I love her body as it is but I just want her to take her health seriously and really work harder to do what she can to improve her health.
Longer this goes on, the more I think that perhaps we are just drifting apart. We are just different people with different outlook/goals in life.
It's getting to a point where I'm reconsidering my marriage. I love her and want to spend rest of my life with her but her carelessness when it comes to health and career seem to be on the extreme end. This will clearly have a deep impact on our future/life in the long run.
I'm just wondering if perhaps this is one of those 80/20 things. Am I simply chasing the 20 percent I can't have and will end up losing the 80% that's amazing in the end?
I have 0 desire or intentions to look for any other significant other, but I'm questioning myself/our future.
I also kind of feel somewhat used? Taken advantage of perhaps? It seems like she is just completely relying on me financially and it's a bit extreme.
Yesterday she sent me an email telling me that she was hanging out with her friend (usually she dedicated 2 weekdays to her family members as well)....which is great and all, but again 0 effort into physical activity/health or career and I feel that should probably take the priority (especially since I'm at work busting my ass to provide for family).
Cliff notes:
-Wife has lack of ambition/career goals.
-Wife has health problems but puts in little effort to improve her eating habits and physical activity.
- I'm questioning our financial future and stability. Also overwhelmed with pressure on me to provide for family.
Thanks in advance to everyone for any help/advice you can provide. I really appreciate it.
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