Sorry ... I already posted this to the General forum but someone suggested I post it to the CWI forum instead.
First, some background. I've been married for 23 years. My husband had an affair in 2011 with one of his clients and I was completely blindsided. The affair lasted for about 5 months until I 'accidentally' found out about it. Although I honestly think the physical part of the affair has been over for a long time - the OW and my husband continue to keep in touch, much to my dismay and protestations. He gave her work for about 1-1/2 years despite my insistence that he cut the cord with her, because he felt guilty and responsible that she got fired from her job. (Due to careless email threads, her co-worker found out and reported that OW had violated a compliance clause in her employment contract). But I've also discovered that phone calls and texting continue to go on between my H and OW. While he claims they were for business purposes, I saw that he texted her on Christmas Eve at 11pm while we were visiting family and as recently as Valentine's Day (from the men's room at 1 0pm while we were out with friends). There are also texts from her at 11:20 at night and 7:10 in the morning. (I discovered them when I reviewed his cell phone bill online). When I bring these things up to him - he gets defensive and angry with me because he insists that NOTHING is going on, that they are just friends (WHY??) and that he can't live under this cloud of suspicion all the time.
I'm very good on the computer and will often 'hack' into his laptop to 'snoop around.' Yes, I know I shouldn't -- but I feel like he's not being honest with me and inevitably -- I end up finding something that proves my suspicions. Although he tells me that he loves me, is committed to our marriage and our family - I recently read something that he wrote to a (female) friend saying that he "he feels like a fraud because he can't imagine staying in the marriage once our youngest child goes off to college in 2015." When I say to him "I don't think you're happy -- maybe we should think about separating for a while" - he says that he doesn't want to separate, he's committed to our family (blah,blah, blah) and that we're good together. WTH??!!
Now for the real dilemma. A few months ago, a woman started working for him (my husband owns the company) in a sales capacity and he often remarks about how great she is as a worker and how she's brought a new energy to the office. A few times I've said to him "I don't need to worry about you and _____starting anything, do I?" And of course, he proclaims that I have no need to worry because he's not interested in her, that he loves me, blah, blah, blah. He has an annual two-day trade show coming up tomorrow (about three hours away) which he reminded me about a few weeks ago. Although I knew about the show, I didn't know any of the logistics (when he was leaving for it, where he was staying, etc.). Last night I asked him if he was staying overnight with his sister (who lives about an hour away from where the trade show is) and he said 'No, I'm staying in a hotel near the trade show. I'm driving up with ____(the woman from the office) and my sister, brother-in-la w, and aunt are coming to meet us for dinner." WHAATT?? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?
I was annoyed that he wasn't forthcoming a few days earlier about what his plan was ... and had I not asked ... he probably wouldn't have given me the information until after it happened. Ironically, he's in the communications business - but he's the worst communicator when it comes to telling ME things. So, when I got somewhat uncomfortable about the plan - he immediately got defensive and said "Fine ... I'll tell (woman from office) she can't come. I'll figure it out. But she wants to take over this part of the business and it would really make sense for her to be there. Do you want to come too? You can if you want." Gee ... thanks for the advance invitation. I work so I can't go. About 20 minutes after our conversation, he started acting distant and when I asked him what was wrong - he said he was "depressed" that I won't let up on the constant scrutiny. And when I tell him that he doesn't really do or say anything to make me feel more secure about everything - he says "I told you I love you and I'm not interested in her. What else do you want me to do or say?"
Am I being naive? Given his past history, do I have cause for concern? On a lot of levels, we have a good marriage. We get along well, have fun together, love each other, do a lot of things with out kids, etc. Ironically, I'm the one who has to live under the constant veil of his honesty (or lack thereof), but he always makes himself out to be the victim. Am I wrong to always question things? I have to keep my eyes wide open and I feel like he's not always being upfront with me. Am I over-reacting? Should I just trust him and hope for the best? Any advise?
First, some background. I've been married for 23 years. My husband had an affair in 2011 with one of his clients and I was completely blindsided. The affair lasted for about 5 months until I 'accidentally' found out about it. Although I honestly think the physical part of the affair has been over for a long time - the OW and my husband continue to keep in touch, much to my dismay and protestations. He gave her work for about 1-1/2 years despite my insistence that he cut the cord with her, because he felt guilty and responsible that she got fired from her job. (Due to careless email threads, her co-worker found out and reported that OW had violated a compliance clause in her employment contract). But I've also discovered that phone calls and texting continue to go on between my H and OW. While he claims they were for business purposes, I saw that he texted her on Christmas Eve at 11pm while we were visiting family and as recently as Valentine's Day (from the men's room at 1 0pm while we were out with friends). There are also texts from her at 11:20 at night and 7:10 in the morning. (I discovered them when I reviewed his cell phone bill online). When I bring these things up to him - he gets defensive and angry with me because he insists that NOTHING is going on, that they are just friends (WHY??) and that he can't live under this cloud of suspicion all the time.
I'm very good on the computer and will often 'hack' into his laptop to 'snoop around.' Yes, I know I shouldn't -- but I feel like he's not being honest with me and inevitably -- I end up finding something that proves my suspicions. Although he tells me that he loves me, is committed to our marriage and our family - I recently read something that he wrote to a (female) friend saying that he "he feels like a fraud because he can't imagine staying in the marriage once our youngest child goes off to college in 2015." When I say to him "I don't think you're happy -- maybe we should think about separating for a while" - he says that he doesn't want to separate, he's committed to our family (blah,blah, blah) and that we're good together. WTH??!!
Now for the real dilemma. A few months ago, a woman started working for him (my husband owns the company) in a sales capacity and he often remarks about how great she is as a worker and how she's brought a new energy to the office. A few times I've said to him "I don't need to worry about you and _____starting anything, do I?" And of course, he proclaims that I have no need to worry because he's not interested in her, that he loves me, blah, blah, blah. He has an annual two-day trade show coming up tomorrow (about three hours away) which he reminded me about a few weeks ago. Although I knew about the show, I didn't know any of the logistics (when he was leaving for it, where he was staying, etc.). Last night I asked him if he was staying overnight with his sister (who lives about an hour away from where the trade show is) and he said 'No, I'm staying in a hotel near the trade show. I'm driving up with ____(the woman from the office) and my sister, brother-in-la w, and aunt are coming to meet us for dinner." WHAATT?? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?
I was annoyed that he wasn't forthcoming a few days earlier about what his plan was ... and had I not asked ... he probably wouldn't have given me the information until after it happened. Ironically, he's in the communications business - but he's the worst communicator when it comes to telling ME things. So, when I got somewhat uncomfortable about the plan - he immediately got defensive and said "Fine ... I'll tell (woman from office) she can't come. I'll figure it out. But she wants to take over this part of the business and it would really make sense for her to be there. Do you want to come too? You can if you want." Gee ... thanks for the advance invitation. I work so I can't go. About 20 minutes after our conversation, he started acting distant and when I asked him what was wrong - he said he was "depressed" that I won't let up on the constant scrutiny. And when I tell him that he doesn't really do or say anything to make me feel more secure about everything - he says "I told you I love you and I'm not interested in her. What else do you want me to do or say?"
Am I being naive? Given his past history, do I have cause for concern? On a lot of levels, we have a good marriage. We get along well, have fun together, love each other, do a lot of things with out kids, etc. Ironically, I'm the one who has to live under the constant veil of his honesty (or lack thereof), but he always makes himself out to be the victim. Am I wrong to always question things? I have to keep my eyes wide open and I feel like he's not always being upfront with me. Am I over-reacting? Should I just trust him and hope for the best? Any advise?
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