Hello,
Seeking advice regarding a huge dilemma on my hands that's threatening my marriage. Bear with my long explanation. Any advice is much appreciated.
My husband of over 10 years has a girl who is 'just a friend.' He is late 30s and she is in her early 20s and attractive. I'll call her 'Ann.' They met about a year ago, and started to become close about 7 months ago.
He is very open with me regarding their relationship. She also has a live-in boyfriend. I 100% believe and trust him when he says she is 'just a friend.' He's always related to women easier and is more close with his sisters and mother than males in the family.
Ann constantly texts him to go out and just to chat (I know...it's the age.) But it is excessive and interruptive. I find it rude and inconsiderate of him to feel the need to respond all the time as well. Apparently her age appropriate boyfriend (who we have gone out with on double dates before), works odd hours and is more of a homebody.
The texting may seem like a petty thing, however that is just one of the many issues I have with her. Ann knows no boundaries, and if he doesn't want to go out or I ask him politely not to include her in a 'date' night for just the two of us, she doesn't take no for answer. She includes herself in our plans a lot of the time (and he lets her, wondering what the big deal is…) Or makes plans with him before I can discuss what we're doing for the weekend. And I look like the bad guy for wanting to have a rare, entire evening out alone with my husband. Nine times out of 10 I end up going out with them together because I don't want to seem 'lame.'
As most of you know, when you've been married for a long time your relationship is bound to go through some rough patches and ups and downs. Well, for the two years since our recent move to a new city...it's been going through a rough time.
We have no kids (by choice) and my husband has a stressful, corporate job. So when he has 'down' time, he just wants to party. And by that I mean act like a college kid. This girl feeds into that mindset and he loves it. I, on the other hand, am tired of every weekend and free night being about expensive dinners, gambling, drinking or going out. If I don't go along then I am a killjoy. Not to mention the stress on our finances (this new city is way more expensive than our last hometown). They go out alone sometimes without me, too, or with her boyfriend or another 20-something friend.
I admit it, I've turned into a bit a homebody in my late 30s, moving to this new city and working full-time from home. Since my job keeps me behind a desk and most women my age are busy with kids in the burbs, it's hard for me to make new friends to hang out with. However, I do like to still occasionally go out--just not all of time.
We've talked about finding other married couples to hang out with, taking a cooking class, volunteering, and generally pursuing other interests when we have leisure time. We haven't made much headway on this. He is having too much fun with this girl. And I am more on the shy side.
Other issues that have come to a head - we rarely are intimate with each other. He went to the doctor (finally) and found out it's a common medical issue. So he's been getting treatment. But he hasn't kept up with it.
He's also out of shape and has gained a lot of weight over the years. I have managed to stay at the same weight and have taken care of myself physically. I love him no matter what his size, but now that he's pushing 40 I think he needs to take better care of himself. I also think if he did, he would have more interest in sex. But after over 10 years of dealing with this issue, I am at my wits end. You always read about women whose husbands want intimacy. In my case, I just got tired of being rejected and am considering 'what next' now that I'm in my late 30s and unfulfilled. I take my vows seriously, so I haven't even considered the alternative. But he is starting to disgust me with his bad lifestyle choices (smoking, drugs, excessive alcohol).
Also, he has almost completely removed himself from the responsibilities of running our household. I pay all of the bills, take care of high maintenance pets, clean, laundry, etc.
I try very hard not to nag and go with the flow. My mother was very abusive to my father and I vowed never to be that way to mine (they are still married). However, I find myself exasperated by my husband's regression. I have acted like a doormat for too long, and now I find my emotions kicking into high gear whenever he says or does something I don't agree with or find insensitive or inconsiderate. I blow up and can't control my emotions. I am floored by his insensitivity and egotistical behavior. I know I've helped create this selfish man, but am incapable of trying to get him to see my point of view. I also admit to drinking too much sometimes myself and flying off the handle. It's not pretty.
Other details:
Since meeting her, he regularly visits a local 24-hour casino at all hours of the night and has started to have a gambling problem, losing thousands of dollars over the past six months.
She lives and works very close by so it is easy for him to drop everything at a moments notice (which is usually when she asks him to join her on her excursions – last-minute) and walk to a bar to hang out with her and other like-minded, drinking friends.
Things came to a head several months ago and I screamed and shoved him after he came home at 2:30 a.m. after just 'going out for a short while.' This led to him separating from me for a week and going on an alcohol and drug bender at a local hotel and not telling me where he was. Saying he needed 'space to think.' I later found out that he also tried to hook up with some call girls for a 'massage' with some of his guy friends from the neighborhood. This is especially troubling to me, and I confronted him because of his historic lack of interest in sex. He just laughed and said they were drunk and the girls didn't even show up.
Since that separation and consequent individual counseling sessions on both of our parts, he occasionally 'forgets' to tell me where he is and shuts off his phone when I ask where he is/ when he is coming home. He just says I am an angry person and he is 'afraid' of me, so if he tells me where he is he knows I'll get 'mad.' I've never hurt him and am half his size.
I have asked him to stop seeing her but he insists since they are just friends, that I am overreacting and that she has been a good influence on him when he starts to drink too much (she's not a huge drinker and doesn't do drugs or smoke– she just likes to go out and stay out late).
I know I'm not perfect and have to learn to control my emotions without resorting to anger and hotheadedness. But I'm just through being taken advantage of. This girl is ruining my relationship with my husband (and draining our bank account). If she were only an occasional friend or acquaintance, I could deal. But she is now his best friend, and I'm afraid she has replaced me as his closest confidant. The icing on the cake is that she is careful to be nice to me so that she can continue her close friendship with my husband.
The good news is we have both agreed that marital counseling is best, and he wants to 'save' our marriage. So I set up some sessions and we are hopefully on the right path. In the past few months he's bought me more gifts than he has total in all our years of marriage. But I don't want gifts. I want a close relationship with my husband.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story. Any feedback is appreciated.
Seeking advice regarding a huge dilemma on my hands that's threatening my marriage. Bear with my long explanation. Any advice is much appreciated.
My husband of over 10 years has a girl who is 'just a friend.' He is late 30s and she is in her early 20s and attractive. I'll call her 'Ann.' They met about a year ago, and started to become close about 7 months ago.
He is very open with me regarding their relationship. She also has a live-in boyfriend. I 100% believe and trust him when he says she is 'just a friend.' He's always related to women easier and is more close with his sisters and mother than males in the family.
Ann constantly texts him to go out and just to chat (I know...it's the age.) But it is excessive and interruptive. I find it rude and inconsiderate of him to feel the need to respond all the time as well. Apparently her age appropriate boyfriend (who we have gone out with on double dates before), works odd hours and is more of a homebody.
The texting may seem like a petty thing, however that is just one of the many issues I have with her. Ann knows no boundaries, and if he doesn't want to go out or I ask him politely not to include her in a 'date' night for just the two of us, she doesn't take no for answer. She includes herself in our plans a lot of the time (and he lets her, wondering what the big deal is…) Or makes plans with him before I can discuss what we're doing for the weekend. And I look like the bad guy for wanting to have a rare, entire evening out alone with my husband. Nine times out of 10 I end up going out with them together because I don't want to seem 'lame.'
As most of you know, when you've been married for a long time your relationship is bound to go through some rough patches and ups and downs. Well, for the two years since our recent move to a new city...it's been going through a rough time.
We have no kids (by choice) and my husband has a stressful, corporate job. So when he has 'down' time, he just wants to party. And by that I mean act like a college kid. This girl feeds into that mindset and he loves it. I, on the other hand, am tired of every weekend and free night being about expensive dinners, gambling, drinking or going out. If I don't go along then I am a killjoy. Not to mention the stress on our finances (this new city is way more expensive than our last hometown). They go out alone sometimes without me, too, or with her boyfriend or another 20-something friend.
I admit it, I've turned into a bit a homebody in my late 30s, moving to this new city and working full-time from home. Since my job keeps me behind a desk and most women my age are busy with kids in the burbs, it's hard for me to make new friends to hang out with. However, I do like to still occasionally go out--just not all of time.
We've talked about finding other married couples to hang out with, taking a cooking class, volunteering, and generally pursuing other interests when we have leisure time. We haven't made much headway on this. He is having too much fun with this girl. And I am more on the shy side.
Other issues that have come to a head - we rarely are intimate with each other. He went to the doctor (finally) and found out it's a common medical issue. So he's been getting treatment. But he hasn't kept up with it.
He's also out of shape and has gained a lot of weight over the years. I have managed to stay at the same weight and have taken care of myself physically. I love him no matter what his size, but now that he's pushing 40 I think he needs to take better care of himself. I also think if he did, he would have more interest in sex. But after over 10 years of dealing with this issue, I am at my wits end. You always read about women whose husbands want intimacy. In my case, I just got tired of being rejected and am considering 'what next' now that I'm in my late 30s and unfulfilled. I take my vows seriously, so I haven't even considered the alternative. But he is starting to disgust me with his bad lifestyle choices (smoking, drugs, excessive alcohol).
Also, he has almost completely removed himself from the responsibilities of running our household. I pay all of the bills, take care of high maintenance pets, clean, laundry, etc.
I try very hard not to nag and go with the flow. My mother was very abusive to my father and I vowed never to be that way to mine (they are still married). However, I find myself exasperated by my husband's regression. I have acted like a doormat for too long, and now I find my emotions kicking into high gear whenever he says or does something I don't agree with or find insensitive or inconsiderate. I blow up and can't control my emotions. I am floored by his insensitivity and egotistical behavior. I know I've helped create this selfish man, but am incapable of trying to get him to see my point of view. I also admit to drinking too much sometimes myself and flying off the handle. It's not pretty.
Other details:
Since meeting her, he regularly visits a local 24-hour casino at all hours of the night and has started to have a gambling problem, losing thousands of dollars over the past six months.
She lives and works very close by so it is easy for him to drop everything at a moments notice (which is usually when she asks him to join her on her excursions – last-minute) and walk to a bar to hang out with her and other like-minded, drinking friends.
Things came to a head several months ago and I screamed and shoved him after he came home at 2:30 a.m. after just 'going out for a short while.' This led to him separating from me for a week and going on an alcohol and drug bender at a local hotel and not telling me where he was. Saying he needed 'space to think.' I later found out that he also tried to hook up with some call girls for a 'massage' with some of his guy friends from the neighborhood. This is especially troubling to me, and I confronted him because of his historic lack of interest in sex. He just laughed and said they were drunk and the girls didn't even show up.
Since that separation and consequent individual counseling sessions on both of our parts, he occasionally 'forgets' to tell me where he is and shuts off his phone when I ask where he is/ when he is coming home. He just says I am an angry person and he is 'afraid' of me, so if he tells me where he is he knows I'll get 'mad.' I've never hurt him and am half his size.
I have asked him to stop seeing her but he insists since they are just friends, that I am overreacting and that she has been a good influence on him when he starts to drink too much (she's not a huge drinker and doesn't do drugs or smoke– she just likes to go out and stay out late).
I know I'm not perfect and have to learn to control my emotions without resorting to anger and hotheadedness. But I'm just through being taken advantage of. This girl is ruining my relationship with my husband (and draining our bank account). If she were only an occasional friend or acquaintance, I could deal. But she is now his best friend, and I'm afraid she has replaced me as his closest confidant. The icing on the cake is that she is careful to be nice to me so that she can continue her close friendship with my husband.
The good news is we have both agreed that marital counseling is best, and he wants to 'save' our marriage. So I set up some sessions and we are hopefully on the right path. In the past few months he's bought me more gifts than he has total in all our years of marriage. But I don't want gifts. I want a close relationship with my husband.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story. Any feedback is appreciated.
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