Hello.
To make this as easy to get across in as few words as possible, I'll use bullet point.
From the time my wife and I got married, it seems like we've been tested at every turn by situations" some within our control, and some outside our control, but most damaging have been financial.
It's been such a roller coaster ride that we've never had any period of time in our 15 year marriage where it's just been "good"! Here goes.
- before we got married in 2000 I was finishing University with a 25k student loan, and she'd been working for 2 years already.
- within a year of us getting married we tried to have kids and she had 2 miscarriages. We finally had a son 2 years later and a daughter 18 months after that.
- in 2003 I lost my job when the company I worked for got bought by another one.
- in 2004 I got another job for 11 months then.....
- in 2005 I got sucked in by the Real Estate dream and tried to be a self-sufficient entrepreneur so I quit my job for 1.5 years to buy rental properties, bought 3 and also decided to try to make it big and get into a land development project.
- in 2006, the 4 decisions I made in a short period of time took me on a financial roller coaster that I finally got off of in 2011 but was financially - nearly bankrupt.
Between 2007 and 2009 I got and lost 3 more jobs, and finally got one in late 2009 that I am still at today and doing very well.
- at the peak of my job losses, my financial crises that took most of my family time away, I was sent to India for my job where I read about a book about ADD for my son. I realized I had ADD, and so did my son and my daughter. Now I knew why I was losing so many jobs - so I went on meds.
- To top it off, my wife had friends over while I was away and had a brief interlude with someone else - just a kiss. She told me about it and said it was because she was drinking, was lonely, and was tired of not being able to get out of the financial messes I helped put us in, and it was something that happened because things were so stressful and she didn't know how to deal with it all.
I feel like at my lowest point, when I needed her the most, she gave up on me. I still can't let that go.
- my wife stuck her head in the sand about all the money problems, and I was so esteem crushed, depressed and felt like a failure that I was fine not to go into details on how bad it was.
- we're still paying for all the "investments" that I got us into and couldn't get us off of - and I am not the type to give up and declare bankruptcy....but we are in our mid-40's now and feeling that OMG feeling that we have 10-20 years to work before retirement and we feel like we're in the same place we were when we got married. Broke, big mortgage, big debts and 2 kids now teenagers and putting even more pressure on us.
- oh, and one last thing...I lied to her by not telling her that we had credit card debt and a line of credit from the business still outstanding. I thought I could pay it off without having to tell her, but of course fate has other plans. I told her just before Xmas...
There isn't any good time to tell her, but I could not continue to keep this from her.
- I try to be a good dad but I have my anger moments, and I do start projects and have trouble finishing them (ADD), I have always been faithful, but the sparks are just not there anymore.
- I really enjoy sex, but my wife feels like it is an obligation. It was non-existent for months in 2009 at the height of the messes, over the last few years it's been once or twice a month, and now it's non-existent again. I always envisioned 2 or 3 times a week. Never happened. I feel lonely and un-loved....and on the verge of going somewhere else. But I'm trying to hold on and not make yet another stupid decision!
Our marriage has never had down time, it's always been filled with stress, pits in our stomachs, frustration, not getting along, fear of losing our home, etc. and on top of that she doesn't trust me (completely valid and I take full responsibility for this), but I feel like there is so much iceberg under the water that we've over-talked, that there isn't much we can say to each other that doesn't involve a painful experience or trigger a negative feeling that just increases our resentment towards each other.
Now we just cohabitate in the same house only talking about the "light" stuff...the niceties.
I don't know whether we can reconcile all of this and put it past us. It feels easier to walk away.
What do I do? Where do I start?
To make this as easy to get across in as few words as possible, I'll use bullet point.
From the time my wife and I got married, it seems like we've been tested at every turn by situations" some within our control, and some outside our control, but most damaging have been financial.
It's been such a roller coaster ride that we've never had any period of time in our 15 year marriage where it's just been "good"! Here goes.
- before we got married in 2000 I was finishing University with a 25k student loan, and she'd been working for 2 years already.
- within a year of us getting married we tried to have kids and she had 2 miscarriages. We finally had a son 2 years later and a daughter 18 months after that.
- in 2003 I lost my job when the company I worked for got bought by another one.
- in 2004 I got another job for 11 months then.....
- in 2005 I got sucked in by the Real Estate dream and tried to be a self-sufficient entrepreneur so I quit my job for 1.5 years to buy rental properties, bought 3 and also decided to try to make it big and get into a land development project.
- in 2006, the 4 decisions I made in a short period of time took me on a financial roller coaster that I finally got off of in 2011 but was financially - nearly bankrupt.
Between 2007 and 2009 I got and lost 3 more jobs, and finally got one in late 2009 that I am still at today and doing very well.
- at the peak of my job losses, my financial crises that took most of my family time away, I was sent to India for my job where I read about a book about ADD for my son. I realized I had ADD, and so did my son and my daughter. Now I knew why I was losing so many jobs - so I went on meds.
- To top it off, my wife had friends over while I was away and had a brief interlude with someone else - just a kiss. She told me about it and said it was because she was drinking, was lonely, and was tired of not being able to get out of the financial messes I helped put us in, and it was something that happened because things were so stressful and she didn't know how to deal with it all.
I feel like at my lowest point, when I needed her the most, she gave up on me. I still can't let that go.
- my wife stuck her head in the sand about all the money problems, and I was so esteem crushed, depressed and felt like a failure that I was fine not to go into details on how bad it was.
- we're still paying for all the "investments" that I got us into and couldn't get us off of - and I am not the type to give up and declare bankruptcy....but we are in our mid-40's now and feeling that OMG feeling that we have 10-20 years to work before retirement and we feel like we're in the same place we were when we got married. Broke, big mortgage, big debts and 2 kids now teenagers and putting even more pressure on us.
- oh, and one last thing...I lied to her by not telling her that we had credit card debt and a line of credit from the business still outstanding. I thought I could pay it off without having to tell her, but of course fate has other plans. I told her just before Xmas...
There isn't any good time to tell her, but I could not continue to keep this from her.
- I try to be a good dad but I have my anger moments, and I do start projects and have trouble finishing them (ADD), I have always been faithful, but the sparks are just not there anymore.
- I really enjoy sex, but my wife feels like it is an obligation. It was non-existent for months in 2009 at the height of the messes, over the last few years it's been once or twice a month, and now it's non-existent again. I always envisioned 2 or 3 times a week. Never happened. I feel lonely and un-loved....and on the verge of going somewhere else. But I'm trying to hold on and not make yet another stupid decision!
Our marriage has never had down time, it's always been filled with stress, pits in our stomachs, frustration, not getting along, fear of losing our home, etc. and on top of that she doesn't trust me (completely valid and I take full responsibility for this), but I feel like there is so much iceberg under the water that we've over-talked, that there isn't much we can say to each other that doesn't involve a painful experience or trigger a negative feeling that just increases our resentment towards each other.
Now we just cohabitate in the same house only talking about the "light" stuff...the niceties.
I don't know whether we can reconcile all of this and put it past us. It feels easier to walk away.
What do I do? Where do I start?
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