Why can't I let it go?

I am hoping to receive some feedback and advice from this forum. I am married with two children, I love my family very much. After the birth of our second child my wife suffered post-partum depression. This lasted about a year, with the second year being just as bad. She never wanted to have sex with me, didn't want to be intimate with me, etc. and the children became her only focus. Through this process I started consuming porn with some frequency (sometimes weekly, sometimes just monthly). Clearly it was a way to cope with the lack of connection with my wife. Through out this year I was going to marriage counseling with her and it seemed like we were making the smallest of progress while in therapy but once home she shut back down. Last November I really screwed up though. My wife was providing obligatory sex, which is so painful to receive as it honestly made me feel as though I was forcing myself on her. I would just fake finishing to end th e whole thing. One night (in November) I did that and went down and watched porn, she caught me and there was no sex after that. She thought I was a porn-addict, sex-addict, etc. we discussed it in therapy, I joined a group counseling group (even though everyone in my family, friends, etc. all said it was silly). It was good though, I realize I looked at porn as an escape. Through this process I felt she was going to leave me, my therapist said "she has a lot of trauma from past relationships cheating on her and can't distinguish the difference of you looking at porn and you sleeping with others, to her it's the same". Thing is, I know nothing of her past, she refuses to share it. As a result I began bearing my soul; sharing all my fears, bawling like a baby as I become incredibly vulnerable. I keep asking about her past, she says she's not comfortable. She says maybe with the therapist present, and I say no; I don't want our therapist to be a fixture in our relatio nship. After one explosive night it comes out because I force it. We've been together for nine years. I was a virgin when I met her; she'd already been married, but what she didn't ever express (no matter how much I asked) is that she had four other boyfriends that she'd had sex with. On top, she was friends with two of them on Facebook and they talked with some frequency (annually). When I asked about them she said "we were just friends"... I might be a prude, but friends don't f*%k. Then I come to find out that she's been constantly following these guys on Facebook/Blogs, etc. She say's it was just curiosity. So here I am, six weeks in to the revelation and I am tired. I'm the one that ends up crying, she doesn't feel a darn thing (but cries when watching America's Got Talent, or whatever). Surprisingly though, she wants to have sex everyday now and I am pissed and don't want it. She says "I just got over it, and stopped letting things get in the way.". I feel like I'm being childish, but I feel so angry that I was put through the ringer for looking at porn, and yet she was maintaining relations with past lovers, lying about it, and then upset that I'm mad. Finally, as a tie in, she's incredibly jealous; was furious when she read a journal of mine from 17 years old describing an old girlfriend, made me unfriend girls on Facebook who I hung out with but never even dated because she got jealous, but for some reason can't fathom how I'd feel hurt by her actions.

Frankly, I just want to go have a few affairs (and have had more than enough offers to easily make that happen). I thought I was my wife's "knight in shining armor", and probably placed way too much value on trying to be her hero. Now I feel like I was just some stooge she could rope in to marrying her, provide her a nice lifestyle, and just have to deal with it because if I leave she'll get the kids. I make enough money that the house, cars, etc. don't mean a thing, but the kids are all that matter to me. So, as you can tell I'm lost. I want to trust my wife, but have very little reason to feel safe. It took nine years to hear this, after she constantly downplayed it as "I just drank a lot as a teenager". I feel jealous that I was the guy that never had sex, never drank, etc. because I let our religious dogma control me. Now I'm regretting turning down all the partying and debauchery because at least then I'd have a way to understand where she's coming from. I just want to make these feelings of betrayal and distrust to go away. I want to stop picturing her with all of her other lovers. I want to stop questioning the size of my "manhood" comparative to them. She says she never actually enjoyed sex with them, but I think it's just a lie. Say's she never climaxed, etc. but I feel like she's only giving me the answer she knows I'm hoping is true. She says I always over-think everything (which is true). How do you stop thinking and just start believing and living? Am I being an ass? How do I just let it go?

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