Married for 18 yrs, 3 beautiful children, otherwise successful marriage, passionate love affair with my former best friend shrouded in veil called marriage.....now?
We just relocated family from south to north, oldest in senior year and due to corporate promotion for him. Prior to exiting home in south, he met a stripper that excited him. He's been traveling extensive with work due to relocation and the relocation would reduce this...but for 2 yrs, he's earned over 100k in frequent flyer miles last year. But he was good through all that as myself and girls managed a year of trying to sell our home and showings and perfecting home towards sell.
We all have life centered around my husband. Girls are 14, 16, and 18.
A month before we close, he meets a stripper.
He has diabetes and suffers issues with performance a lot. Takes a slew of medications, doesn't manage his health, and as a result has had difficulty with E.D. for 15 yrs. This is actually his rationale for whole devastating circumstance.
So he meets a stripper and for the first time, he's aroused...so he begins this journey with scattered contact to this girl when he's away on travel.
My youngest found condom packaging trash (not actual condom) in his workbag and all of us had noticed an increased agitation with him with us since relo and attributed it to relo. But the behaviors around hiding his cell phone and doing quasi-secretive stuff was definitely there. She finds this, I immediately confront him and demand to see phone and computer and find a wonderfully shocking debilitating trail of a man becoming a troll.
my best friend....the man I entrusted my deepest trusts.
In finding all these trails....essentially the bottom line, is he met with this stripper once and couldn't perform. but was intent on being with her. So I am dealing with an otherwise, completely stand up guy that happened to visit strip bars here and there and I formerly viewed this as 'normal heterosexual dude' stuff. So, in his view he didn't betray me due to lack of physical capability.
I crawled all over his emails and cell phone records, acquired all his passwords and blocked all interactions to this girl...she had emails seeking money to pay for gas money if you can imagine. I actually called her and talked to her candidly about why she was trying to get with my husband. So I have closed all gates to this, actually protected him in process cuz seriously? who puts whole marriage, children's welfare and psychological balance at stake, financial position, all when we just moved and all are struggling with new completely different location. Because he was so challenged in telling me candidly and openly the extent of what happened (due to his deep embarrassment), we did polygraph test in which he failed and more information was extracted and all of it pointing to a casual view towards 'meaningless' sex with a 'nobody'.
We've always communicated openly in our marriage and ultimately, all the things we've discussed that I thought were shared principles, this little piece was intentionally hidden.
So here I am looking at this situation, doing my symptomatic gratuitous loss of 10 lbs per week, just stunned in seeing him and this wire in him.
The only reason we moved was in support of him for career...all of us have the greatest anger than he didn't just leave us in previous life and just go do what he was going to do...that would have made this less hard.
and honestly, divorce would have been more clear cut.
we just moved into a new mortgage, home and in higher cost of living....
so what I pack a u haul and go? I have a hard time erasing all the deeply bonded joyful moments I have shared with this man that I do believe to be my soul mate. I have curbed my own sexuality due to his E.D. for years and catered to him as center of my life.
He's saying and doing as all our spouses do, which only makes me more a mommy in this situation with a 49 yr man. The stripper gets to see him as Big Man on Campus, I get the 3 yr that feels bad for eating cookies before dinner.
I have yet to call a lawyer and honestly am torn, but the nature of my own stress, and confusion and contending with all this....I just wonder if any of you have dealt with a husband that has had serious challenges with E.D. I will say, that our love life intensified for the last few months and he claims it was because he was aroused by the OW. Like how do I wrap my head around this warped thinking?
Does he love me? Yep. Do I love him? Yep. Can I forgive this? Yes. Can I trust him ever again?
Its just so unfair to be shackled with the emotional instability that now plagues my home, my children and myself due to a casual interest on his part in an epic fail fraught with psychological problems, physical embarrassments, and confusion. Even if he never does anything again, is that even enough?
So waves of hope and apathy hit at same time.
I am even exhausted of talking about it all...but its like daily something strikes this deep panic chord that shows me again something that reveals how intensely selfish he was from the moment we packed our life up and to be here.
I have boxes and boxes of framed pictures of our whole life and now? do I hang them? Just feel like taking them all out of frames and storing for our potential divorce. I am so mad because the stats are so against us....we'll be these feeble emotionally devastated people trying so hard to be what we were two weeks ago, but even 2 weeks ago, we weren't that.
I honor truth and her work in my life and ask her to sit at my table daily not only in my actions and choices, but in understanding and knowing clearly who, what and where is around me. Lucky me, she is stomping on everything I thot before and a mentor coaches me that life is here to love you....so however all this shock is, its for me. So, for me, it was supposed to be this family and profoundly connected relationship with my husband...now? maybe I just walk paralyzed...to where? I have no idea. My girls are so generous right now to me...much of the details I withhold from them as the nature of this deals with such low-frequency shallow troll-like behavior. I'm not fully sure that my spouse knows how to recover all this with them and there is a strong likelihood a deeper devastation than potential divorce is at hand for him with them.
I've so devotedly protected their ability to know and have him. Now? He's just seeing that time will be needed to heal. He makes no overt driving efforts to help them, I do. He doesn't find any breadcrumbs for any of us to follow in rebuilding our life. We're still in phase one of all this, which is full disclosure and even that, I'm exhausted in standing in front of him watching him uncomfortably shift each conversation somewhere else...to weather, to gps maps, to scheduling vacations and weekends away. He doesn't have any skills in openly taking full responsibility and actually helping any of us get better other than being here more often and telling us he loves us daily. There have been apologies, but the nature of this whole deal has involved me finding every single drop of details and extracted each detail from him like a wisdom tooth...and one that doesn't want to be pulled.
I actually feel quite impressed with myself in how encompassing I have been in getting every trail. He even confessed he knew he would get busted?! And again, I am confronted with this creature that is intentionally sandbagging me like this is who I want to be with MY LIFE?
Am I going to love myself and put me first? or make life better for a selfish, psychologically dysfunctioning douche, misogynist, troll and a-typical male needing to fulfill some fantasy around their 'manhood' in the most vile form....
3 out of 4 married men are unfaithful, so I get I am not alone, but only 1% of American men actually go to a strip club to get laid....and I actually feel sorry for him because not only did he try this, but he failed EPIC. He talks to me of how difficult it is to his self-esteem to have E.D., but he doesn't work out, eat healthy and still drinks his beer and watch his football. The Strip club vibe actually goes hand in hand with this cretan....I always thot he was so smart, on the geek side of the fence, so capable, so principled, so well read and balanced and so beholden to me and girls. I'd follow him to...oh, I know, clearly I would follow him to Hell because that's where we are.
We just relocated family from south to north, oldest in senior year and due to corporate promotion for him. Prior to exiting home in south, he met a stripper that excited him. He's been traveling extensive with work due to relocation and the relocation would reduce this...but for 2 yrs, he's earned over 100k in frequent flyer miles last year. But he was good through all that as myself and girls managed a year of trying to sell our home and showings and perfecting home towards sell.
We all have life centered around my husband. Girls are 14, 16, and 18.
A month before we close, he meets a stripper.
He has diabetes and suffers issues with performance a lot. Takes a slew of medications, doesn't manage his health, and as a result has had difficulty with E.D. for 15 yrs. This is actually his rationale for whole devastating circumstance.
So he meets a stripper and for the first time, he's aroused...so he begins this journey with scattered contact to this girl when he's away on travel.
My youngest found condom packaging trash (not actual condom) in his workbag and all of us had noticed an increased agitation with him with us since relo and attributed it to relo. But the behaviors around hiding his cell phone and doing quasi-secretive stuff was definitely there. She finds this, I immediately confront him and demand to see phone and computer and find a wonderfully shocking debilitating trail of a man becoming a troll.
my best friend....the man I entrusted my deepest trusts.
In finding all these trails....essentially the bottom line, is he met with this stripper once and couldn't perform. but was intent on being with her. So I am dealing with an otherwise, completely stand up guy that happened to visit strip bars here and there and I formerly viewed this as 'normal heterosexual dude' stuff. So, in his view he didn't betray me due to lack of physical capability.
I crawled all over his emails and cell phone records, acquired all his passwords and blocked all interactions to this girl...she had emails seeking money to pay for gas money if you can imagine. I actually called her and talked to her candidly about why she was trying to get with my husband. So I have closed all gates to this, actually protected him in process cuz seriously? who puts whole marriage, children's welfare and psychological balance at stake, financial position, all when we just moved and all are struggling with new completely different location. Because he was so challenged in telling me candidly and openly the extent of what happened (due to his deep embarrassment), we did polygraph test in which he failed and more information was extracted and all of it pointing to a casual view towards 'meaningless' sex with a 'nobody'.
We've always communicated openly in our marriage and ultimately, all the things we've discussed that I thought were shared principles, this little piece was intentionally hidden.
So here I am looking at this situation, doing my symptomatic gratuitous loss of 10 lbs per week, just stunned in seeing him and this wire in him.
The only reason we moved was in support of him for career...all of us have the greatest anger than he didn't just leave us in previous life and just go do what he was going to do...that would have made this less hard.
and honestly, divorce would have been more clear cut.
we just moved into a new mortgage, home and in higher cost of living....
so what I pack a u haul and go? I have a hard time erasing all the deeply bonded joyful moments I have shared with this man that I do believe to be my soul mate. I have curbed my own sexuality due to his E.D. for years and catered to him as center of my life.
He's saying and doing as all our spouses do, which only makes me more a mommy in this situation with a 49 yr man. The stripper gets to see him as Big Man on Campus, I get the 3 yr that feels bad for eating cookies before dinner.
I have yet to call a lawyer and honestly am torn, but the nature of my own stress, and confusion and contending with all this....I just wonder if any of you have dealt with a husband that has had serious challenges with E.D. I will say, that our love life intensified for the last few months and he claims it was because he was aroused by the OW. Like how do I wrap my head around this warped thinking?
Does he love me? Yep. Do I love him? Yep. Can I forgive this? Yes. Can I trust him ever again?
Its just so unfair to be shackled with the emotional instability that now plagues my home, my children and myself due to a casual interest on his part in an epic fail fraught with psychological problems, physical embarrassments, and confusion. Even if he never does anything again, is that even enough?
So waves of hope and apathy hit at same time.
I am even exhausted of talking about it all...but its like daily something strikes this deep panic chord that shows me again something that reveals how intensely selfish he was from the moment we packed our life up and to be here.
I have boxes and boxes of framed pictures of our whole life and now? do I hang them? Just feel like taking them all out of frames and storing for our potential divorce. I am so mad because the stats are so against us....we'll be these feeble emotionally devastated people trying so hard to be what we were two weeks ago, but even 2 weeks ago, we weren't that.
I honor truth and her work in my life and ask her to sit at my table daily not only in my actions and choices, but in understanding and knowing clearly who, what and where is around me. Lucky me, she is stomping on everything I thot before and a mentor coaches me that life is here to love you....so however all this shock is, its for me. So, for me, it was supposed to be this family and profoundly connected relationship with my husband...now? maybe I just walk paralyzed...to where? I have no idea. My girls are so generous right now to me...much of the details I withhold from them as the nature of this deals with such low-frequency shallow troll-like behavior. I'm not fully sure that my spouse knows how to recover all this with them and there is a strong likelihood a deeper devastation than potential divorce is at hand for him with them.
I've so devotedly protected their ability to know and have him. Now? He's just seeing that time will be needed to heal. He makes no overt driving efforts to help them, I do. He doesn't find any breadcrumbs for any of us to follow in rebuilding our life. We're still in phase one of all this, which is full disclosure and even that, I'm exhausted in standing in front of him watching him uncomfortably shift each conversation somewhere else...to weather, to gps maps, to scheduling vacations and weekends away. He doesn't have any skills in openly taking full responsibility and actually helping any of us get better other than being here more often and telling us he loves us daily. There have been apologies, but the nature of this whole deal has involved me finding every single drop of details and extracted each detail from him like a wisdom tooth...and one that doesn't want to be pulled.
I actually feel quite impressed with myself in how encompassing I have been in getting every trail. He even confessed he knew he would get busted?! And again, I am confronted with this creature that is intentionally sandbagging me like this is who I want to be with MY LIFE?
Am I going to love myself and put me first? or make life better for a selfish, psychologically dysfunctioning douche, misogynist, troll and a-typical male needing to fulfill some fantasy around their 'manhood' in the most vile form....
3 out of 4 married men are unfaithful, so I get I am not alone, but only 1% of American men actually go to a strip club to get laid....and I actually feel sorry for him because not only did he try this, but he failed EPIC. He talks to me of how difficult it is to his self-esteem to have E.D., but he doesn't work out, eat healthy and still drinks his beer and watch his football. The Strip club vibe actually goes hand in hand with this cretan....I always thot he was so smart, on the geek side of the fence, so capable, so principled, so well read and balanced and so beholden to me and girls. I'd follow him to...oh, I know, clearly I would follow him to Hell because that's where we are.
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