| Long post, I'll try and give the background. I'm 32, my H is 30, no kids. 7 yrs together, married 6. I cheated with a 20yo guy from my gym who had a crush on me and paid me lots of attention. I realise now he's a player, but I thought he really liked me. After a few weeks of talking and eye contact led to a makeout session, then a week later we drove to a cabin for a night, I told H I was going away for some alone time. After the ONS, we texted for a few days planning another tryst, but I stood OM up. I felt so guilty that I was agitated and nauseous, couldn't eat or sleep which my concerned H noticed, so I cut all contact. 12 days after the ONS I finally confessed to my husband, knowing it would tear him apart. He left our house that night and drove 5 hours back to our home city to stay with his family. He did not deserve this, he is a good and faithful man, and he trusted me totally. What I did was so selfish, although I felt justified at the time, which is why I went ahead and did it. I even said to OM "(H's name) doesn't deserve this. But I do." I wish I could turn back time and just ignore that OM, but I cant. Now I feel revulsion at cheating mixed with desire for the OM still lingering, I hate that and wont act on it, but its the truth its like a drug withdrawal, especially when I'm lonely, I have to remind myself what a jerk he actually is when I start thinking about him. One of the big problems in our marriage is that my husband is mentally ill and I was his caregiver, which was really difficult. I never had the courage to say to him that we should separate for a while to save our marriage, to allow me some respite from supporting him and set some proper boundaries. That would have done much less damage, but I was too scared to hurt him, ironically. Now its been 6 weeks apart since I confessed and my heart breaks when we talk on the phone. He wouldn't talk to me at all for 4 weeks. He's distant and quite cold, but he talks now and I know he is going through hell. He said he still loves me but this has effectively exiled him from the homestead we built together from a bare paddock, because he cant stand to be around me or look at our life. While he was working on renovating at home, I was ogling this guy and planning to cheat, then had sex with him, and that's killing H. Although I don't want the 'same' marriage we had, I hope we can salvage this but I don't know. We married because we thought we could make it against all odds - mental illness, infertility and financial struggles, we had so much love and we were a great team. I am really hoping H will be willing to R, but I just don't know if he will be able to forgive me. He says he is trying, but he is having mind movies, hurting and angry. We drove to see each other last week, halfway between towns, he asked me awful questions about it which I answered honestly as painful as that was for us both. I've never felt so naked and exposed as being a complete POS as when telling my sweet husband things like no we didn't use protection, and it was not once, but many times that night, but he insisted he wanted to know and I could see every detail was like an axe to the heart for him. So its up to him now to decide if we can try. He first said he simply cant get past it and we agreed to separate although he wasn't ready to formalise it yet. We hugged goodbye and cried until he pushed me away, and we both cried all the drive back to our separate homes. I phoned him last night and asked can he please come home for a few days, even if I stay elsewhere and come over to talk in the evenings. I know coming back to our property will be very painful to him because its going to remind him of everything I've trashed for a ONS. He agreed within a few weeks he will come back to see how it feels and progress toward a decision. Can men ever truly forgive a WW? I hope so, but I also want to be realistic. I accept D is a likely outcome, but I don't want to throw in the towel yet if there's a chance. So what I need is advice on how to behave toward him when he comes home, and how can we discuss our marriage? I want to give him space so he may feel able to stay, but I also want to reassure him that I love him and still want to be his wife. When we talk I don't want to justify or blame him for my cheating, but I also don't want to rug sweep all the problems we had if we try and stay together. Please tell me what I need to say or do to show him I love him without pushing him further away... I've lurked here since this all started so I fully expect I will get hammered by some BS on here, I accept that, but I'd also really appreciate constructive advice where possible. Thanks. | |||
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