| Firstly, I know depression has to last for at least a month but I feel like the past few years I've been depressed with short spells of numbness or ignorance which I mistake for happiness. My Dad has depression so I understand the seriousness of throwing around the word depression without a proper diagnosis. However, I recognise his traits in myself. I finished my exams last Tuesday and I knew this was coming. Exams are the perfect distraction from how uneventful my life is and now they're over I have nothing to do. I distract myself with escapism in the form of TV and films but they always come to an end and I'm left just sitting there feeling empty. I've just finished the two year course of a-levels and have successfully managed to spend 18-24 hours a week with people my age and not make a single friend. I'm okay with talking to people one-to-one and had okay conversations with people enough to consider them acquaintances. I was the only girl in all of my classes so I try and comfort myself by saying that's why I didn't make any friends. All my friends in my life have always been girls so I tell myself I didn't make any friends because there were no girls. But in the AS year I did take a class with girls and they thought I was weird because I never approached them and just sat on my own. But if one of them started the conversation I was fine. My friends from secondary school chose a different college. They all made new friends and moved on. Even they intimidate me now because I feel like I don't know them. I just feel empty. There's no substance or thirst for life anymore. I used to be fun and had a good group of friends around me. I haven't been out with friends since February. By friends I mean two girls I've known for 6 years who I am so grateful for, more than they know. I'm just really bored of life. Exams covered up the boredom but now they're gone and I have nothing. I'm constantly at home in my room. My parents both work from home and my Dad suffers from depression so the atmosphere is always negative. I try and sit downstairs and be social but my Mum just makes me feel worse about myself by bringing up all the things wrong with my life. So I sit in my room. My brothers are all younger than me but they're either at school or out with their friends. They mock me for having no friends and it hurts so much. Most people have some kind of aspect of their life that is exciting, even if it's just a meal out with the family. But there is nothing exciting in my life. I can't even cover up this emptiness with material goods because my family has no money at all. I think the most excitement my life gets is going to Tesco or watching a new TV episode. I've always been shy but never secluded like I am now. I was fine until around 13 years old. Popular, even. Then I started missing a lot of school due to stress (I was driving 30 minutes everyday to the hospital to see my Grandad and seeing him so depressed was horrifying). He then passed away so I missed more school. My then best friend made new friends and whilst I was included originally I started missing so much school that naturally the group moved on. Then I became friends with a girl who isolated me from everyone and got jealous if I spoke to someone. So I forgot how to socialise. Now I'm 18 years old and just fed up. I don't have any subjects I enjoy or any hobbies so I have no goals for the future. No plans for future jobs, nothing. I'm returning for a third year of a-levels because I don't know what else to do. I know I should get a part time job over the summer but I don't think anywere would want me. All the job advertisements want confident, outgoing and optimistic people which isn't me. I just don't have the energy. I feel so tired all the time. I'm surprised I've managed to type this much. Thank you for reading this. I would really appreciate some advice or if anyone has gone through anything similar? :( | |||
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