| Been in the community here for a while and decided, after much indecisiveness, to ask your opinions. My first wife was a serial betrayer and my second (current and final) wife fled an abusive husband. Although she is your typical emotional woman (nothing wrong with that) my second wife views intercourse as a "friend to friend" thing ("it's what friends do") and equates real love commitment with cuddling, kissing.... She had 3 bf's between marriages and casually had sex with all of them. That said she also understands that infidelity is clearly wrong when in a marriage. We began as friends (sex on the first date as is her choice) but soon developed a very deep friendship to the point we decided to marry (mostly to cure our loneliness and as she made so little money and had twin sons). We even considered not sleeping in the same bed as it was a friendship marriage, but once married our "friendship" evolved into a love relationship. We feel so comfortable together and we talk and talk... I give her massages and we hold hands (after 11 years even)... Communication is the backbo ne of our marriage. About 18 mos ago she stopped talking and curtailed holding hands... As I am a veteran of betrayal I thought I saw red flags and investigated. Here are the facts as best I know: * A fellow writer (same age, unmarried) sent her an email requesting a day to help him set up a website. My wife had recently finished a book on blogs/blogging. He asked her to come to his house (lives 50 miles to the south) for a day. I suggested to her they meet somewhere more neutral like the library and she agreed. After she agreed he sent her a flirty email (my wife is not a flirt in any way), but wife did not flirt back. She sent a business like reply. * That night after they were to meet I asked her how it went and she said they never got together. I checked her email and there were no emails about it. I checked her phone and no calls either. Odd, but I let it go. I mean no communication at all about the cancellation. Almost immediately after she became distant, which is highly unusual. * Occasionally, for the next 6 mos or so there were more lunches than she usually has, a few more evening writers meetings that usual, and finally a weekend beach retreat with some other female writers (she does this once a year, but this was the second of that year). She remained very distant. Sometimes she had something to say about her get togethers and other times not a single word. But never another email or call with this other guy so far as I could tell. * There were no personal journal entries for any of the times I thought she may have gotten together with him. She makes about 3 to4 entries per week so odd, but maybe not too odd. * I had dropped a few hints along the way but she never took the bait (if indeed there was bait to take). Finally this happened- we decided to go to the beach for a long weekend and I went to the website of the condo owner to make the reservation (where we have stayed for years) and I was reading some of the recent comments people post. There was a comment from a couple who have the exact same first names of my wife and he (no last names given) and it was for the same weekend when she was at the beach with a group of her female friends. Now, the Portland metro area and Salem area contain nearly 3 million people and they have common first names... but this coincidence was now just too much... so... * I finally fully confronted her, laid out everything and flat asked her what was going on. After about 5 seconds of silence she quietly said, "I don't think you have anything to really worry about". And that was all she had to say. She didn't say it in a way that sounded guilty or remorseful and I honestly couldn't read her as to just how she meant it. It was almost off handed. * Soon after things went back to the same old way and I then learned through a friend that in the month or so before I confronted her she had met with a personal counselor a few times, but never told me. Was it menopause (she is 50)? Was it maybe depression? Why did she separate herself from me as we are both great and caring communicators? Was she maybe reconsidering our marriage? Was she, in fact, betraying me? No emails or calls. She isn't anything close to being devious so it'd be hard to think she created a secret email account- just not like her. I've spent a lot of time thinking it all out in my mind and go back and forth. Maybe the best thing to do is just trust her, but her behavior was just so odd... | |||
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