| Sorry for long post. Here's my story (short version I have been in the CWI section mainly): Married 25 years, two daughters 12 and 14. Great marriage for the first 15 - 17 years. Some problems for the next 5 (drifting apart - kids, work). Wife has major MLC. Wife had an EA starting in 2008 which became a brief 4-6 Month PA in late Summer/Fall 2009 (all secret). I discover evidence of the EA in 2010 and confront - stbxw allows me to believe it was just an EA and we go into false R. We have a rollercoaster of some great times and bad times during the false R. Great Summer Vacation 2012. Then wife is introduced to POSOM2 in August (by her toxic friends) and becomes infatuated - we separate in Sept - stbxw moves out in Oct. Wife (in fog) contacts POSOM2. I speak with POSOM2 and he says he will stay away (a lie). Meanwhile, stbxw confesses PA/2009 (AFTER moving out). Complicated, isn't it? We are in mediation and the meetings have created a lot of tension. stbxw has always been self-centered, yet she has also had this sweet, fresh side to her which disappeared after her MLC. She's successful, attractive, and very loving until the switch gets turned off - then she is cold as ice. She has been in some form of fog continually since her EA. (that might just be my optimism. Maybe it's NOT a fog - maybe it's who she is). So here is where I may need a 2x4. I miss my wife. I miss her presence, I miss waking up with her, I miss her smell, I miss her touch. I even miss her with the kids (she alternated between being a great Mom/night clubbing Mom during her MLC). Everything is more complicated with the separation. I am in our house - but it is joint name. If we sell, neither of us could buy back into the neighborhood because housing prices have doubled and are surprising strong where we live. Yet we both want the kids to stay in the same school through high school. But beyond the practical - I still hold out hope that my wife is in a long-term fog and that she could emerge someday. This is where I can't seem to get past. This remaining hope business is killing me. And I know what my failings were during our marriage - I recognize how I contributed to the decline - too late, but I know my own behaviour contributed and I'm working on it. Her current fog: Her POSOM2 is a semi-public figure and separated. They are keeping their relationship totally underground - I think because HE does not want it out there (get this - his family has strong evangelical religious leadership ties and Dad has had 3 marriages - the first two ending in affairs. So I don't think they want any more "adultery scandals" to hit the news). I've been warned (by my lawyer as well as our mediator) to stay out of my stbxw's business (since we're separated) so I have been respecting that and have not made any more contact with the POSOM2 or my stbxw about this. I suspect that the POSOM2 is like the dad - a scam artist. But it will look very bad if I interfere - my own lawyer advised staying out of it. Besides which, my stbxw and I are separated - so it is even adultery? So why do I care? I have regressed the past week from a state of indifference to one where memories and mind movies (which I never had before - even with POSOM1) are screwing up my head. Had a really bad night. Why is this? What's wrong with me? And am I crazy for still thinking that there is a >0% chance we could get back together? When my stbxw is in one of her normal moods - she is still attractive to me. But the question is - maybe her fog is permanent and her "normal" moments will disappear completely. My stbxw has done nothing to indicate she wants to EVER reconcile - there have been a lot of heated arguments and bad blood ever since the separation (which started amicably) - yet I have this urge to write her a letter (not a pleading letter - but a letter to tell her how I felt about her during our marriage (she thinks I just didn't like her - and truthfully - sometimes I didn't because of how she acted - but I never stopped loving her). At the very least - I want to express that things cannot go on like this because it's becoming impossible to deal with stuff even for the kids. Is this stupid? Anyway, feel like I've gone backwards about two or three months in my recovery. | |||
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