Hi all, thought I'd let give a run down on how the weekend went down....and would welcome suggestions as to how I could have maybe handled better....
a) Sat a.m. - our son (age 4 - my H will bring him to lessons (the first time he's brought him to anything besides school)) is doing well at tennis and we were informed by the teacher that the "next session" starts in 2 weeks.... turns out both my H and I missed the deadline for signing him up and when we did look a bit further, it's really for 5 and 6 year olds (not 4 year olds).....so H was stressed that we "missed" something......but then he found out that there are lessons during the week for our son's age...the pamphlet read: weeknights M, Wed and Thu 5-5:45 pm....
There's no way I could get out that early, bring my son from his daycare to the tennis courts, but I agreed, that if my H would bring him (has more flexible schedule) I would pick him up.
My H said he wants us to do it on Wednesdays...he said it's weekly (he mentioned it a few times)..
I told him that the pamphlet said, M, Wed and Thu.....and that it's per week...(ie, it's a weekly session and you pay per week - probably b/c people take vacations for weeks at a time in the summer)....
He disagreed and said it was "weekly"......and then threw his hands up in exasperation saying, "How many times do I have to repeat myself...??? Can't you get it through your head it's Weekly??"
I told him to stop being mean. That he was being very mean.
He said that THIS is our problem, that he can't say "anything" to me without being the "bad guy" and that after HOW MANY times of repeating himself does he "get" to lose his patience with me???
I told him I was going into another room.....that there was too much noise here and I couldn't concentrate on looking at this.
I was about to pay for my son's lessons when I noticed that there was no OPTION to do this once a week.....it said "Weeknight" option, not weekly.
I came back to my H and calmly told him that this was our only option.
He finally backed down, realizing he was mistaken....
He did not apologize........
He was wrong (I didn't point it out to him) but I don't think he needed to snap to prove his point when he was WRONG....would you have advised me to say anything more to him after this?
b) Sunday afternoon - it was warm in the morning and raining on/off, but mostly off....we were going to a museum and then to his mother's house for dinner.....my H changed from shorts to pants....he asked if our son was ready, ( who was in tshirt and shorts - I was in longer shorts)...and when I said yes...H started asking WHY our son wasn't in pants...I said it's warm outside then he said in the past he's asked me to dress our son LIKE HIM and that WHY DIDN"T I??? and started getting testy, I said I thought it was warm.....
I changed our son into pants....then he asked why I didn't bring raincoat (at the time it had stopped raining)....then he said I needed to bring it and an umbrella and WHY IS HE REMINDING ME OF THESE THINGS??? WHY SHOULDN'T I BE MORE AWARE????
I told him it didn't look like it was raining to me and I didn't realize how cold it was til we came outside (temp had changed).....and didn't say anything more...(brought an umbrella and raincoat))..
Then on the ride OVER to the museum he tried to antagonize me.....saying, "Oh, look at those people....they're wearing pants and have an umbrella...I wonder WHY????".....
I didn't take the bait....
I didn't think there was any point in engaging someone who was acting crazy.........then he said it again and once again, I ignored the remark and got busy with our phone.......
he stopped the behavior, realizing he wasn't getting anywhere...
Proud of myself for refusing to take his "bait..."
c) we came back from his mother's house and the windows were open (it was warm at the time we left)....he then asked in an "exasperated tone"...AND THROWING HIS HANDS IN THE AIR, "WHY ARE THESE WINDOWS OPEN???" (think of a male Judge Judy)...
I closed the windows (there was no damage)) and said, 'they were open b/c the air was warm when we left..." then I said calmly, "H....we both live in this house....this is your house too, so you had every ability to close these windows yourself....."
That shut him up.
He didn't say another word....
I think I picked my battles correctly..........proud that I didn't engage him when he was trying to pick a fight in the car (with our son in the back seat!!).....but as I'm learning through therapy, can't control someone else's behavior, but I can set my boundaries......and learn to disengage...
a) Sat a.m. - our son (age 4 - my H will bring him to lessons (the first time he's brought him to anything besides school)) is doing well at tennis and we were informed by the teacher that the "next session" starts in 2 weeks.... turns out both my H and I missed the deadline for signing him up and when we did look a bit further, it's really for 5 and 6 year olds (not 4 year olds).....so H was stressed that we "missed" something......but then he found out that there are lessons during the week for our son's age...the pamphlet read: weeknights M, Wed and Thu 5-5:45 pm....
There's no way I could get out that early, bring my son from his daycare to the tennis courts, but I agreed, that if my H would bring him (has more flexible schedule) I would pick him up.
My H said he wants us to do it on Wednesdays...he said it's weekly (he mentioned it a few times)..
I told him that the pamphlet said, M, Wed and Thu.....and that it's per week...(ie, it's a weekly session and you pay per week - probably b/c people take vacations for weeks at a time in the summer)....
He disagreed and said it was "weekly"......and then threw his hands up in exasperation saying, "How many times do I have to repeat myself...??? Can't you get it through your head it's Weekly??"
I told him to stop being mean. That he was being very mean.
He said that THIS is our problem, that he can't say "anything" to me without being the "bad guy" and that after HOW MANY times of repeating himself does he "get" to lose his patience with me???
I told him I was going into another room.....that there was too much noise here and I couldn't concentrate on looking at this.
I was about to pay for my son's lessons when I noticed that there was no OPTION to do this once a week.....it said "Weeknight" option, not weekly.
I came back to my H and calmly told him that this was our only option.
He finally backed down, realizing he was mistaken....
He did not apologize........
He was wrong (I didn't point it out to him) but I don't think he needed to snap to prove his point when he was WRONG....would you have advised me to say anything more to him after this?
b) Sunday afternoon - it was warm in the morning and raining on/off, but mostly off....we were going to a museum and then to his mother's house for dinner.....my H changed from shorts to pants....he asked if our son was ready, ( who was in tshirt and shorts - I was in longer shorts)...and when I said yes...H started asking WHY our son wasn't in pants...I said it's warm outside then he said in the past he's asked me to dress our son LIKE HIM and that WHY DIDN"T I??? and started getting testy, I said I thought it was warm.....
I changed our son into pants....then he asked why I didn't bring raincoat (at the time it had stopped raining)....then he said I needed to bring it and an umbrella and WHY IS HE REMINDING ME OF THESE THINGS??? WHY SHOULDN'T I BE MORE AWARE????
I told him it didn't look like it was raining to me and I didn't realize how cold it was til we came outside (temp had changed).....and didn't say anything more...(brought an umbrella and raincoat))..
Then on the ride OVER to the museum he tried to antagonize me.....saying, "Oh, look at those people....they're wearing pants and have an umbrella...I wonder WHY????".....
I didn't take the bait....
I didn't think there was any point in engaging someone who was acting crazy.........then he said it again and once again, I ignored the remark and got busy with our phone.......
he stopped the behavior, realizing he wasn't getting anywhere...
Proud of myself for refusing to take his "bait..."
c) we came back from his mother's house and the windows were open (it was warm at the time we left)....he then asked in an "exasperated tone"...AND THROWING HIS HANDS IN THE AIR, "WHY ARE THESE WINDOWS OPEN???" (think of a male Judge Judy)...
I closed the windows (there was no damage)) and said, 'they were open b/c the air was warm when we left..." then I said calmly, "H....we both live in this house....this is your house too, so you had every ability to close these windows yourself....."
That shut him up.
He didn't say another word....
I think I picked my battles correctly..........proud that I didn't engage him when he was trying to pick a fight in the car (with our son in the back seat!!).....but as I'm learning through therapy, can't control someone else's behavior, but I can set my boundaries......and learn to disengage...
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