Hello,
My fiancé and I are not married, we are engaged. He proposed to me four years in our relationship, and we have been engaged for two years. We have been together for six and a half years all together. Our seventh anniversary comes up in August 21st.
Due to the loss of his father and the loss of our daughter, he has become distant, cruel, abusive, lazy and heartless. Because I do not mourn the loss of our daughter the same way as he does, I apparently do not love her or miss her.
He attempted suicide a few months after our daughter's death and refuses therapy.
He tells me I should quit my job. I shouldn't want to have friends. I shouldn't want to be out and about. I shouldn't want to do anything or be anything.
I have heard the following from him.
"You obviously don't love or miss her as much as I do."
"if you really did miss her, you wouldn't want to have your job or be with friends"
"You just want to go out and be with other people to drown us out. You want to find someone more stupidly positive like you"
"You don't love our daughter. You don't miss her, you don't care"
"If you really did love her or miss her like I do, you would have tried to kill yourself out of devastation. You wouldn't want to go to work or go out or have friends. You would be at home crying and distracting yourself with games and tv"
"You only go to therapy to deal with me not because you're sad about our daughter"
"I can't believe you're going to work. You don't even think about our daughter, do you"
"It's disgusting that you won't quit your job. Our daughter is probably crying in heaven because her own mother won't quit her job out of pain or cry a tear for her. You're a b***h!"
"You're just stupid. I can't even look at you. I'm sorry mommy doesn't love or care about you. I'm sorry mommy won't quit her job out of pain or stay at home because she can't handle going out. I'm sorry mommy just wants to pretend we don't exist."
"You're probably happy our daughter died. God forbid she prevented you from going to work or going out with your friends and all the other stupid hobbies you do. Sorry you got pregnant. I feel horrible for our daughter."
And more. I have cried over our daughter. I do, almost everyday. I surround myself with my friends because they have been great to me since my daughter's death. I go to work because I love being with young kids. I go to work because we need an income. I teach swim to children because I love doing that. I go outside and surround myself with nature, trees, grass, fresh air because I love it. It helps me feel connected to my daughter on a deep level. I look up at the sky and smile because she's in Heaven. She's my guardian angel. Everything I do, I do for her.
I can't quit all my hobbies and I won't. Not because I'm not devastated but because doing my hobbies helps me. My daughter wouldn't want me to quit my hobbies. She wouldn't want me to stay at home and do nothing but cry all day.
The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude. Everyday, I am grateful for my daughter and the time I had. Everyday I remember her. Everyday I tribute her.
I am devastated. I am in pain. But I won't try to kill myself. My daughter wouldn't want that.
I am all about the health of the mind, body and soul.
Besides his verbal and emotional abuse, he refuses therapy. He refuses to go to work. He had a great job but they fired him after his attempted suicide and his lengthy hospital stay. He refuses to find a new job or go back to his old one. (I don't know if they would take him back but he won't even contact his former boss who he admired). He won't do anything but sit and play video games all day or watch tv or movies.
I got a necklace from my mother and he broke it because I wouldn't quit working.
He isn't being nice. He isn't loving. He's distant and he has become cruel.
So I came here and posted, got some advice and I was told I should leave. Not what I want to hear but reality is reality. I do want to try to fix this marriage and give it my all before leaving. But I am aware that he will need to participate.
So, if I make an ultimatum list, I am obviously going to say that he needs to go to therapy four times a month. Among other things but I'll talk with my therapist.
If any of you have any suggestions, please suggest away!
But, I might end up separating from him. So my question is, is he entitled to anything? I have a great income and a very high savings account which is separate from him. Our finances are separate, and he doesn't have access to my banking account.
Is he entitled to some of my savings account? Will I need to give him spousal support if we aren't married?
I already know that I would let him have the apartment. But he won't be able to pay rent and bills for very long since he doesn't have an income. He has his savings account but it's not very much. If he uses that to pay rent, bills and food, it will go very quickly.
My out plan is to leave and stay at my parents while I look for an apartment. I did plan to give him money anyways because he'll need it and I have more than enough to support myself.
Is giving him money a good idea? I don't want him to become dependent on me because that is not healthy but I'm already taking care of him now.
Will I need to give him spousal support? Or since we are not married, will I just be able to leave without dragging this out and causing more pain and anguish?
And the most important thing... we have our daughters ashes in a special box that I made. How do we divide that up? I refuse to just let him have her ashes and I'm pretty sure he'll refuse to let me have her ashes and leave. So what do we do about that? This is our daughter and I will not just leave it behind.
I need advice and support. Today is a very sad and kind of a bad day. I have to leave in an hour to teach swim to a few kids and I'll check in later.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate that there is a site like this that exists. I am grateful to have the opportunity to post here and possibly make friends. Thanks everyone in advance.
My fiancé and I are not married, we are engaged. He proposed to me four years in our relationship, and we have been engaged for two years. We have been together for six and a half years all together. Our seventh anniversary comes up in August 21st.
Due to the loss of his father and the loss of our daughter, he has become distant, cruel, abusive, lazy and heartless. Because I do not mourn the loss of our daughter the same way as he does, I apparently do not love her or miss her.
He attempted suicide a few months after our daughter's death and refuses therapy.
He tells me I should quit my job. I shouldn't want to have friends. I shouldn't want to be out and about. I shouldn't want to do anything or be anything.
I have heard the following from him.
"You obviously don't love or miss her as much as I do."
"if you really did miss her, you wouldn't want to have your job or be with friends"
"You just want to go out and be with other people to drown us out. You want to find someone more stupidly positive like you"
"You don't love our daughter. You don't miss her, you don't care"
"If you really did love her or miss her like I do, you would have tried to kill yourself out of devastation. You wouldn't want to go to work or go out or have friends. You would be at home crying and distracting yourself with games and tv"
"You only go to therapy to deal with me not because you're sad about our daughter"
"I can't believe you're going to work. You don't even think about our daughter, do you"
"It's disgusting that you won't quit your job. Our daughter is probably crying in heaven because her own mother won't quit her job out of pain or cry a tear for her. You're a b***h!"
"You're just stupid. I can't even look at you. I'm sorry mommy doesn't love or care about you. I'm sorry mommy won't quit her job out of pain or stay at home because she can't handle going out. I'm sorry mommy just wants to pretend we don't exist."
"You're probably happy our daughter died. God forbid she prevented you from going to work or going out with your friends and all the other stupid hobbies you do. Sorry you got pregnant. I feel horrible for our daughter."
And more. I have cried over our daughter. I do, almost everyday. I surround myself with my friends because they have been great to me since my daughter's death. I go to work because I love being with young kids. I go to work because we need an income. I teach swim to children because I love doing that. I go outside and surround myself with nature, trees, grass, fresh air because I love it. It helps me feel connected to my daughter on a deep level. I look up at the sky and smile because she's in Heaven. She's my guardian angel. Everything I do, I do for her.
I can't quit all my hobbies and I won't. Not because I'm not devastated but because doing my hobbies helps me. My daughter wouldn't want me to quit my hobbies. She wouldn't want me to stay at home and do nothing but cry all day.
The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude. Everyday, I am grateful for my daughter and the time I had. Everyday I remember her. Everyday I tribute her.
I am devastated. I am in pain. But I won't try to kill myself. My daughter wouldn't want that.
I am all about the health of the mind, body and soul.
Besides his verbal and emotional abuse, he refuses therapy. He refuses to go to work. He had a great job but they fired him after his attempted suicide and his lengthy hospital stay. He refuses to find a new job or go back to his old one. (I don't know if they would take him back but he won't even contact his former boss who he admired). He won't do anything but sit and play video games all day or watch tv or movies.
I got a necklace from my mother and he broke it because I wouldn't quit working.
He isn't being nice. He isn't loving. He's distant and he has become cruel.
So I came here and posted, got some advice and I was told I should leave. Not what I want to hear but reality is reality. I do want to try to fix this marriage and give it my all before leaving. But I am aware that he will need to participate.
So, if I make an ultimatum list, I am obviously going to say that he needs to go to therapy four times a month. Among other things but I'll talk with my therapist.
If any of you have any suggestions, please suggest away!
But, I might end up separating from him. So my question is, is he entitled to anything? I have a great income and a very high savings account which is separate from him. Our finances are separate, and he doesn't have access to my banking account.
Is he entitled to some of my savings account? Will I need to give him spousal support if we aren't married?
I already know that I would let him have the apartment. But he won't be able to pay rent and bills for very long since he doesn't have an income. He has his savings account but it's not very much. If he uses that to pay rent, bills and food, it will go very quickly.
My out plan is to leave and stay at my parents while I look for an apartment. I did plan to give him money anyways because he'll need it and I have more than enough to support myself.
Is giving him money a good idea? I don't want him to become dependent on me because that is not healthy but I'm already taking care of him now.
Will I need to give him spousal support? Or since we are not married, will I just be able to leave without dragging this out and causing more pain and anguish?
And the most important thing... we have our daughters ashes in a special box that I made. How do we divide that up? I refuse to just let him have her ashes and I'm pretty sure he'll refuse to let me have her ashes and leave. So what do we do about that? This is our daughter and I will not just leave it behind.
I need advice and support. Today is a very sad and kind of a bad day. I have to leave in an hour to teach swim to a few kids and I'll check in later.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate that there is a site like this that exists. I am grateful to have the opportunity to post here and possibly make friends. Thanks everyone in advance.
Put the internet to work for you.
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