So like many, I was unaware of the recommended "protocol" that should be adhered to when the day came that my suspicions and paranoia were proven to be completely well founded and my girlfriend (who is now my wife) was proven to be a selfish and lying, deceitful person.
We've moved on significantly since this happened obviously, hence why we're still married and getting better and better every day - but I have never forgotten what happened and like many people who confront too early, I only realized in hindsight, too late afterwards how much potential evidence I missed and only learnt about the possible forensic recovery/surveillance methods that I wish I had known at the time... I would have my answers, but alas the solid proof is now well and truely gone, lost to history.
So here's how it went down - I would like to see what everyone's opinion is in regards to whether you think that this was (most likely, in your opinion) an EA or PA:
After months of my suspicion (to the point of obsessive searches every time she left the house) starting from the week we moved in together (the affair began pretty much the week before we moved in together as it turns out - as evidence from phone bill records I have since pulled) - to the day I finally found the evidence 6 months later (timeline late may 2011 to confronting on Nov 14 2011) when I found her recently replaced for upgrading to newer model Galaxy S2 stashed away in the back of her dresser draw, I finally found the evidence to justify my gut feeling and maniac behavior. Thank god I wasn't really crazy!
Although deleted from primary CALL/SMS logs, I could still see a mobile phone number that had appeared multiple times in the secondary SMS logs. So, she had clearly gone through and deleted purposefully this particular number - which was not saved as a contact - just a number and it was the only number/contact that had received such a thorough "delete" treatment.
So it was obvious that there had been at least one month (that I could see at this point) of SMS's from that number that was purposefully deleted. Unfortunately there was no content of any text messages remaining - so apart from seeing the number of SMS's (approx 50 in that viewable last 4 weeks) - I had nothing.
I called the number, confirmed a male voice with South African accent and then waited for the missus to return home from the music gig she was out with friends at that night. It was soon to finishh and I expected she would be home within 20/30mins... So I waited.
Shortly though, she calls me to tell me she was going to stay out a little longer etc... and that's when I gave her the good news - That she best come home instead, because we needed to talk. I didn't tell her what the problem or issue was at this point though, as I was at least thinking clearly enough to keep her in the dark about what was in motion until I hit her with the evidence I had just uncovered - rather than risk letting her think up a cover story or contact this POS on her way home, so as to come up with a cover story or other explanation etc.
I just wish that my sense of mind had been a little better than that though ...damn!
So when she arrived home, I went through my confrontation plan, which included a bit of an information hold back tactic in case the teeth pulling started... Basically, I had a few questions I was going to ask her, which I already had the answers to - Known knowns that she would also be fully aware of the answers to herself, very clearly aimed and something she would immediately identify with him...
So this began with the first question -Asking her if she had any South African friends... when that was denied, the question then became "Do you know any guys with a South African accent?"
She immediately played dumb... "Nooo?" (complete with the stupid look of a person acting as if they are doing their best to try and think who or what I am talking about)
So given that she had chosen to play dumb with the first two "opportunity questions" - I knew I had to step it up. The first two questions obviously hinted quite clearly to very specific and significant person that would not be forgotten in the consideration of those answers, they were pretty specific.
I was surprised that despite how clearly the answers were aimed at prompting her to provide a specific answer, which I clearly must have already known with further answers and detail - she still chose to deny she had any idea what I was talking about.
So, I had to move on to Question 3... "Do you know who's number this is?" and read the number to her... and then wrote it down on paper for her to maybe help jog her memory.... and then reminded her that its a number she has sms'd many many many times recently and had done so by manually entering the phone number in to the "recipient" section, given that it wasn't saved as a contact...
Still she had "No idea" who it could be funny enough!
I was stunned that she had maintained the play dumb routine this far in to my series of questions, despite how obviously clear it was that I had now identified the OM - I was beginning to run out of questions... and of course, known answers! :(
So I went on with - "lets call the number and see what happens", which got the admission finally that it was probably someone from work... and from that, I then demanded that she identify exactly who it was... and why they had been communicating using her private number so frequently, if it was indeed a work related matter...
So finally, the most basic truth finally comes out - She admits that "its a guy from work and they were just friends" blah blah.. and I think at that point, I asked her why she had deleted the messages and made it clear that we were now dealing with this as "I've finally caught you out, I ****ing knew it, you cheating *****, now explain yourself" from here on in.
Well, the whole thing was somehow quickly summed up and finished off with a nice little sugar coating, which I took hook line and sinker at the time - Her answer for the text messages and their deletion:
"I deleted the messages cos you are so paranoid and I didnt want you to think the wrong thing!" (essentially saying "So I just decided to hide my intense level of communication with a "friend" because despite that you have otherwise been perfectly accepting of the fact that I have 4-5 very good male friends that you have never had a problem with before, I just decided from the very beginning, that you would have lost your **** for no reason over my friendship with this particular guy... and that's why I kept my communication with him secret..." Which I promptly swallowed like a gullible sucker.
It turns our the little break up we had for a 5 days in July (15th 2011 weekend) was smack bang in the middle of their most intense period of communication - which I now see is textbook events timeline for a developing affair relationship that basically turns the WS against the BS... And had I asked her back then when this happened - in a very calm and diplomatic way - whether there was someone else involved and I asked this a number of times. I would ask in a calm, rational manner and re-iterated that I wasn't accusing, just asking... and that I was doing so in communicating honestly with her like should be done in a relationship.
I also gave the opportunity to just lay it out on the table if that was the case, and made it pretty clear that I would prefer that she just give me the bad news so at least I would then be able to put som logic and reason to why this "out of the blue split" had happened and I would cut my losses and walk away, rather than go through the drama of pointlessly trying to fix things.
I would have at least then had a reason to accept for our relationships sudden demise, and possibly just let it go, rather than continue to think I was losing my mind and that I was a paranoid insecure terrible partner.
She was adamant that she and I were over by the Sunday night the week this happened (the split happened wed night and I went to stay with mates for a few days to allow her to think and consider if she did still love me... Another familiar theme you all no doubt know!) But events over the weekend (i caught her out lying about the fact she was with a male sat night cos her phone pocket dialed me as they were driving!) And the cover story that was in turn supported by two of her toxic to our relationship (i hates them they hated me from day one) friends had me living in blissful denial about the incident and choosing to just accept her story and be happy that I finally came to my senses and came home to insist that we try and sort things out - which after much groveling and patheticness on my part, she eventually promised to give her all and effort towards also. Well... Phone records show that not only was there indeed someone else in the picture at the time of that July split, they didnt miss a single beat in their communications pattern after this "defining moment" - and sms records show that there was in fact slightly more than 550 sent by her in the following half of July and all of August... June/july same time frame was about 500 sms's .... So clearly she hadnt even attempted to break it off at this point...
They worked in the same office... So saw eachother daily where they would have lunch and coffe together sometimes several times a day - and when working at their seperate desks, would make do with office communicator chat (like msn/fb chat - live, open real time chat program that runs via exchange/outlook basically) and of course email and work mobile phones.
Over the entire time, aside from the office/workplace communications (which I can't see as the chat logs were deleted as were emails, then the exchange backups requested for deletion citing "full data file, housekeeping needs" as her reason to the admins...) There was about 750-800 smses sent by her to him (and apparently he sent her many more than she replied to etc she says) plus her work phone (she admits there was also smses on that, but again I couldn't see any details due to my haste and the fact it's a work account which I can't access records of) plus words with friends that unbeknownst to me at the time, was not being played obsessively due to her love of scrabble, rather it was the love of it's covert message system and it's perfect pass off if I asked who she was messaging with "no one, playing scrabble!" As she would flash the phone toward me and show me a scrabble game in action. Bah. So angry at the betrayal of things like that... But moving on
What I would like to hear from you guys is, given the above details, the volume and ease of access to communication and in person face to face time they had in this timeline and the things like complete deletion of all sms message email content and history (which to me says "you deleted it cos it was of a highly inappropriate nature... Cos there is no reason to delete innocent friennly banter, no matter how much volume ... And no one elses messages were deleted so it wasn't a case of running out of space on ur laptop/phone!") Plus a few other significant incidents that show development of the relationship to a point where it reached that point of her being in the fog so deep that our relationship did the textbook breakdown with textbook script - I aren't sure how I feel anymore /still love you line.... Am I right to call a firm bull**** on her story that they were:
"Just good friends"
"They might have sent a few flirty messages sometimes, eg. he had a pet name for her and they would send winks or little remarks, but nothing over the top and certainly nothing sexual was ever discussed..."
"They never did anything - nothing, nada... Simply good friends who messaged each other first thing in the morning and last thing before they close their eyes... and all day at work despite working at the same offices and often the same building... "
"This friendship required approx 700-800 SMS messages, in between using communicator messenger on their desktops during work hours every day and in the out of work hours, who had pet names for each other and that is ALL.... ?"
She has consistently maintained this claim of friendship and no more, without any further admissions since the incident/confrontation in Nov 2011.
She maintains that it is the honest truth, and has stuck firmly to her story - which has more holes than a fishing net imo...
A common line if I ever raise question or doubt with her from time to time is "I've told you everything, I don't know why I deleted the only evidence which could exonerate me and I am not going to just tell you something happened when it didnt to appease you! Nothing happened, get over it!"
That's basically the loop things have been stuck on ever since...
There are other Little red flags that I will elaborate on if there are those of you who are on the fence with this one being an EA or PA... But your opinions appreciated...
EA or was this almost certainly a PA in your view?
We've moved on significantly since this happened obviously, hence why we're still married and getting better and better every day - but I have never forgotten what happened and like many people who confront too early, I only realized in hindsight, too late afterwards how much potential evidence I missed and only learnt about the possible forensic recovery/surveillance methods that I wish I had known at the time... I would have my answers, but alas the solid proof is now well and truely gone, lost to history.
So here's how it went down - I would like to see what everyone's opinion is in regards to whether you think that this was (most likely, in your opinion) an EA or PA:
After months of my suspicion (to the point of obsessive searches every time she left the house) starting from the week we moved in together (the affair began pretty much the week before we moved in together as it turns out - as evidence from phone bill records I have since pulled) - to the day I finally found the evidence 6 months later (timeline late may 2011 to confronting on Nov 14 2011) when I found her recently replaced for upgrading to newer model Galaxy S2 stashed away in the back of her dresser draw, I finally found the evidence to justify my gut feeling and maniac behavior. Thank god I wasn't really crazy!
Although deleted from primary CALL/SMS logs, I could still see a mobile phone number that had appeared multiple times in the secondary SMS logs. So, she had clearly gone through and deleted purposefully this particular number - which was not saved as a contact - just a number and it was the only number/contact that had received such a thorough "delete" treatment.
So it was obvious that there had been at least one month (that I could see at this point) of SMS's from that number that was purposefully deleted. Unfortunately there was no content of any text messages remaining - so apart from seeing the number of SMS's (approx 50 in that viewable last 4 weeks) - I had nothing.
I called the number, confirmed a male voice with South African accent and then waited for the missus to return home from the music gig she was out with friends at that night. It was soon to finishh and I expected she would be home within 20/30mins... So I waited.
Shortly though, she calls me to tell me she was going to stay out a little longer etc... and that's when I gave her the good news - That she best come home instead, because we needed to talk. I didn't tell her what the problem or issue was at this point though, as I was at least thinking clearly enough to keep her in the dark about what was in motion until I hit her with the evidence I had just uncovered - rather than risk letting her think up a cover story or contact this POS on her way home, so as to come up with a cover story or other explanation etc.
I just wish that my sense of mind had been a little better than that though ...damn!
So when she arrived home, I went through my confrontation plan, which included a bit of an information hold back tactic in case the teeth pulling started... Basically, I had a few questions I was going to ask her, which I already had the answers to - Known knowns that she would also be fully aware of the answers to herself, very clearly aimed and something she would immediately identify with him...
So this began with the first question -Asking her if she had any South African friends... when that was denied, the question then became "Do you know any guys with a South African accent?"
She immediately played dumb... "Nooo?" (complete with the stupid look of a person acting as if they are doing their best to try and think who or what I am talking about)
So given that she had chosen to play dumb with the first two "opportunity questions" - I knew I had to step it up. The first two questions obviously hinted quite clearly to very specific and significant person that would not be forgotten in the consideration of those answers, they were pretty specific.
I was surprised that despite how clearly the answers were aimed at prompting her to provide a specific answer, which I clearly must have already known with further answers and detail - she still chose to deny she had any idea what I was talking about.
So, I had to move on to Question 3... "Do you know who's number this is?" and read the number to her... and then wrote it down on paper for her to maybe help jog her memory.... and then reminded her that its a number she has sms'd many many many times recently and had done so by manually entering the phone number in to the "recipient" section, given that it wasn't saved as a contact...
Still she had "No idea" who it could be funny enough!
I was stunned that she had maintained the play dumb routine this far in to my series of questions, despite how obviously clear it was that I had now identified the OM - I was beginning to run out of questions... and of course, known answers! :(
So I went on with - "lets call the number and see what happens", which got the admission finally that it was probably someone from work... and from that, I then demanded that she identify exactly who it was... and why they had been communicating using her private number so frequently, if it was indeed a work related matter...
So finally, the most basic truth finally comes out - She admits that "its a guy from work and they were just friends" blah blah.. and I think at that point, I asked her why she had deleted the messages and made it clear that we were now dealing with this as "I've finally caught you out, I ****ing knew it, you cheating *****, now explain yourself" from here on in.
Well, the whole thing was somehow quickly summed up and finished off with a nice little sugar coating, which I took hook line and sinker at the time - Her answer for the text messages and their deletion:
"I deleted the messages cos you are so paranoid and I didnt want you to think the wrong thing!" (essentially saying "So I just decided to hide my intense level of communication with a "friend" because despite that you have otherwise been perfectly accepting of the fact that I have 4-5 very good male friends that you have never had a problem with before, I just decided from the very beginning, that you would have lost your **** for no reason over my friendship with this particular guy... and that's why I kept my communication with him secret..." Which I promptly swallowed like a gullible sucker.
It turns our the little break up we had for a 5 days in July (15th 2011 weekend) was smack bang in the middle of their most intense period of communication - which I now see is textbook events timeline for a developing affair relationship that basically turns the WS against the BS... And had I asked her back then when this happened - in a very calm and diplomatic way - whether there was someone else involved and I asked this a number of times. I would ask in a calm, rational manner and re-iterated that I wasn't accusing, just asking... and that I was doing so in communicating honestly with her like should be done in a relationship.
I also gave the opportunity to just lay it out on the table if that was the case, and made it pretty clear that I would prefer that she just give me the bad news so at least I would then be able to put som logic and reason to why this "out of the blue split" had happened and I would cut my losses and walk away, rather than go through the drama of pointlessly trying to fix things.
I would have at least then had a reason to accept for our relationships sudden demise, and possibly just let it go, rather than continue to think I was losing my mind and that I was a paranoid insecure terrible partner.
She was adamant that she and I were over by the Sunday night the week this happened (the split happened wed night and I went to stay with mates for a few days to allow her to think and consider if she did still love me... Another familiar theme you all no doubt know!) But events over the weekend (i caught her out lying about the fact she was with a male sat night cos her phone pocket dialed me as they were driving!) And the cover story that was in turn supported by two of her toxic to our relationship (i hates them they hated me from day one) friends had me living in blissful denial about the incident and choosing to just accept her story and be happy that I finally came to my senses and came home to insist that we try and sort things out - which after much groveling and patheticness on my part, she eventually promised to give her all and effort towards also. Well... Phone records show that not only was there indeed someone else in the picture at the time of that July split, they didnt miss a single beat in their communications pattern after this "defining moment" - and sms records show that there was in fact slightly more than 550 sent by her in the following half of July and all of August... June/july same time frame was about 500 sms's .... So clearly she hadnt even attempted to break it off at this point...
They worked in the same office... So saw eachother daily where they would have lunch and coffe together sometimes several times a day - and when working at their seperate desks, would make do with office communicator chat (like msn/fb chat - live, open real time chat program that runs via exchange/outlook basically) and of course email and work mobile phones.
Over the entire time, aside from the office/workplace communications (which I can't see as the chat logs were deleted as were emails, then the exchange backups requested for deletion citing "full data file, housekeeping needs" as her reason to the admins...) There was about 750-800 smses sent by her to him (and apparently he sent her many more than she replied to etc she says) plus her work phone (she admits there was also smses on that, but again I couldn't see any details due to my haste and the fact it's a work account which I can't access records of) plus words with friends that unbeknownst to me at the time, was not being played obsessively due to her love of scrabble, rather it was the love of it's covert message system and it's perfect pass off if I asked who she was messaging with "no one, playing scrabble!" As she would flash the phone toward me and show me a scrabble game in action. Bah. So angry at the betrayal of things like that... But moving on
What I would like to hear from you guys is, given the above details, the volume and ease of access to communication and in person face to face time they had in this timeline and the things like complete deletion of all sms message email content and history (which to me says "you deleted it cos it was of a highly inappropriate nature... Cos there is no reason to delete innocent friennly banter, no matter how much volume ... And no one elses messages were deleted so it wasn't a case of running out of space on ur laptop/phone!") Plus a few other significant incidents that show development of the relationship to a point where it reached that point of her being in the fog so deep that our relationship did the textbook breakdown with textbook script - I aren't sure how I feel anymore /still love you line.... Am I right to call a firm bull**** on her story that they were:
"Just good friends"
"They might have sent a few flirty messages sometimes, eg. he had a pet name for her and they would send winks or little remarks, but nothing over the top and certainly nothing sexual was ever discussed..."
"They never did anything - nothing, nada... Simply good friends who messaged each other first thing in the morning and last thing before they close their eyes... and all day at work despite working at the same offices and often the same building... "
"This friendship required approx 700-800 SMS messages, in between using communicator messenger on their desktops during work hours every day and in the out of work hours, who had pet names for each other and that is ALL.... ?"
She has consistently maintained this claim of friendship and no more, without any further admissions since the incident/confrontation in Nov 2011.
She maintains that it is the honest truth, and has stuck firmly to her story - which has more holes than a fishing net imo...
A common line if I ever raise question or doubt with her from time to time is "I've told you everything, I don't know why I deleted the only evidence which could exonerate me and I am not going to just tell you something happened when it didnt to appease you! Nothing happened, get over it!"
That's basically the loop things have been stuck on ever since...
There are other Little red flags that I will elaborate on if there are those of you who are on the fence with this one being an EA or PA... But your opinions appreciated...
EA or was this almost certainly a PA in your view?
Put the internet to work for you.
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