(Its long - so sorry). Please could you read a description of my MIL and give me your thoughts....
She is a control freak. Likes to micromanage her adult children's lives. Gets frustrated if you make a decision without involving her. Will sulk or devalue our decisions, sometimes she will punish using alienation tactics.
Out of 5 children she has a favourite. She criticizes and grumbles at her children but the one adult child who is basically dysfunctional can do no wrong - justifies her bad behaviour, praises minor achievements but devalues major achievements of her other children. The favourite child has changed throughout the years, at one time it was my DH (her nickname for him was 'Loyal ****). Then it was his brothers turn (nickname 'No.1 Son'). The middle child has always been a non person which I believe is because she left home when she was young and married into money. She says '...we are not good enough for her now!' (The truth is her daughter is lovely and very kind natured). In public she boasts extensively about her children, in private she is very much different.
She hated all her children getting married and sulked at everyone's wedding. When her children were dating she flooded the partners with praise, up until an engagement is announced and then she decides they are not good enough.
Is highly religious and exceptionally judgmental towards people. Bigoted, racist, homophobic, misogynist. She never forgets peoples mistakes and will use smear campaigns to belittle them. However, if a person is useful to her - her rules change and can be suddenly very understanding.
Has a quick temper over trivial things. Jekyll and Hyde type of character. One day she will be complimentary and kind, the next she will be confrontational over a minor slight (sometimes completely made-up).
Both DH and his brother have talked about severe neglect when they were growing up, BIL has been through therapy because of it. But she talks as though she is the only person that knows how to raise a child. She criticizes everyone's parenting skills and insists you do things just like her even if it is dangerous or detrimental to the child's welfare. If you draw up boundaries she will cut you off for a length of time or spreads rumours to punish.
She gets jealous of the things her children have (not the favourite child) and will resent or devalue material things, promotion, extra money, holidays, home improvements. In the past DH has asked me not to tell his mum when we have bought something new. She gets jealous of friendships (I have to keep my friendships secret as well as any achievements).
She does not like to be contradicted in anyway. Even having a difference of opinion about likes or dislikes will make her sulk or become angry.
She does not take 'no' for an answer. Very stubborn.
She is weird around my children. She tries to manipulate my daughter by asking her strange questions 'who is your favourite parent? Is it your dad?'. Or telling her she doesn't have to say 'please' and 'thank you' :scratchhead:. We shortened DD's name when she was little but she told her she wasn't allowed to be called that name. She would give her money - but tell her she has to spend it on sweets and not a toy, then checks with her that she did as she was told. If she had put the money in her piggy she would tell her off for not spending it. DD is very academic but it seems to irritate MIL. If she talks about her achievements they are quickly put down (she has a favourite grandchild who has to be the best at everything). It seems to irritate her when my daughter gets A stars. My son is autistic with learning difficulties and she completely ignores him - not interested in the slightest (I think its because she cannot manipulate him).
She plays her children off against each other. She twists things that have been said to stir up trouble. She does not like us getting together. We have to meet either in secret or last minute so she cannot sabotage the evening. If she finds out she sulks. She only likes family gatherings to be at her house, she is uncomfortable visiting her children in their homes. She went on holiday last summer just a few miles from where her son lives and 'didn't have time' to see them even though they had asked several times to meet up. She hadn't seen them for 6 months.
Is paranoid. She has said some weird things about people not liking her, shop assistants deliberately trying to take advantage of her, GP's writing rude comments on her notes, neighbours are evil...that sort of thing.
Having said all of the above.....she *can* be utterly pleasant and charming when she wants to be. You never know whether she will have the 'lovely' or 'horrible' side to her personality. When I see her I have to scan her face to see what kind of mood she is in. When she is 'nice' she is very, very nice. People from church and in the neighborhood generally think she's a sweet old lady.
The thing is, out of 5 children, only 1 visits her regularly because she pushes them away, but then gets upset that they do not visit her. BIL, wife and children say that when they visit they are 'walking on eggshells' and have to psych themselves up for the visit.
As for me. She has told DH that she does not like me and tried to persuade him to leave me. The basis for her dislike was because 'I do not go to church and am a bad influence on him.' Even when he told her he loved me and I was a good wife and mother...once she had made up her mind that is it. Anyone who knows me laughs a little because I am generally an easy going, gentle, non-confrontational person. I don't fall out with people though I have given her a wide berth because of her moodiness.
Thank you for reading. Anyone know what to make of it all? Do you know of anyone like this? Or how to handle it?
She is a control freak. Likes to micromanage her adult children's lives. Gets frustrated if you make a decision without involving her. Will sulk or devalue our decisions, sometimes she will punish using alienation tactics.
Out of 5 children she has a favourite. She criticizes and grumbles at her children but the one adult child who is basically dysfunctional can do no wrong - justifies her bad behaviour, praises minor achievements but devalues major achievements of her other children. The favourite child has changed throughout the years, at one time it was my DH (her nickname for him was 'Loyal ****). Then it was his brothers turn (nickname 'No.1 Son'). The middle child has always been a non person which I believe is because she left home when she was young and married into money. She says '...we are not good enough for her now!' (The truth is her daughter is lovely and very kind natured). In public she boasts extensively about her children, in private she is very much different.
She hated all her children getting married and sulked at everyone's wedding. When her children were dating she flooded the partners with praise, up until an engagement is announced and then she decides they are not good enough.
Is highly religious and exceptionally judgmental towards people. Bigoted, racist, homophobic, misogynist. She never forgets peoples mistakes and will use smear campaigns to belittle them. However, if a person is useful to her - her rules change and can be suddenly very understanding.
Has a quick temper over trivial things. Jekyll and Hyde type of character. One day she will be complimentary and kind, the next she will be confrontational over a minor slight (sometimes completely made-up).
Both DH and his brother have talked about severe neglect when they were growing up, BIL has been through therapy because of it. But she talks as though she is the only person that knows how to raise a child. She criticizes everyone's parenting skills and insists you do things just like her even if it is dangerous or detrimental to the child's welfare. If you draw up boundaries she will cut you off for a length of time or spreads rumours to punish.
She gets jealous of the things her children have (not the favourite child) and will resent or devalue material things, promotion, extra money, holidays, home improvements. In the past DH has asked me not to tell his mum when we have bought something new. She gets jealous of friendships (I have to keep my friendships secret as well as any achievements).
She does not like to be contradicted in anyway. Even having a difference of opinion about likes or dislikes will make her sulk or become angry.
She does not take 'no' for an answer. Very stubborn.
She is weird around my children. She tries to manipulate my daughter by asking her strange questions 'who is your favourite parent? Is it your dad?'. Or telling her she doesn't have to say 'please' and 'thank you' :scratchhead:. We shortened DD's name when she was little but she told her she wasn't allowed to be called that name. She would give her money - but tell her she has to spend it on sweets and not a toy, then checks with her that she did as she was told. If she had put the money in her piggy she would tell her off for not spending it. DD is very academic but it seems to irritate MIL. If she talks about her achievements they are quickly put down (she has a favourite grandchild who has to be the best at everything). It seems to irritate her when my daughter gets A stars. My son is autistic with learning difficulties and she completely ignores him - not interested in the slightest (I think its because she cannot manipulate him).
She plays her children off against each other. She twists things that have been said to stir up trouble. She does not like us getting together. We have to meet either in secret or last minute so she cannot sabotage the evening. If she finds out she sulks. She only likes family gatherings to be at her house, she is uncomfortable visiting her children in their homes. She went on holiday last summer just a few miles from where her son lives and 'didn't have time' to see them even though they had asked several times to meet up. She hadn't seen them for 6 months.
Is paranoid. She has said some weird things about people not liking her, shop assistants deliberately trying to take advantage of her, GP's writing rude comments on her notes, neighbours are evil...that sort of thing.
Having said all of the above.....she *can* be utterly pleasant and charming when she wants to be. You never know whether she will have the 'lovely' or 'horrible' side to her personality. When I see her I have to scan her face to see what kind of mood she is in. When she is 'nice' she is very, very nice. People from church and in the neighborhood generally think she's a sweet old lady.
The thing is, out of 5 children, only 1 visits her regularly because she pushes them away, but then gets upset that they do not visit her. BIL, wife and children say that when they visit they are 'walking on eggshells' and have to psych themselves up for the visit.
As for me. She has told DH that she does not like me and tried to persuade him to leave me. The basis for her dislike was because 'I do not go to church and am a bad influence on him.' Even when he told her he loved me and I was a good wife and mother...once she had made up her mind that is it. Anyone who knows me laughs a little because I am generally an easy going, gentle, non-confrontational person. I don't fall out with people though I have given her a wide berth because of her moodiness.
Thank you for reading. Anyone know what to make of it all? Do you know of anyone like this? Or how to handle it?
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