I originally typed this up as a response to another poster in their thread, but then decided to post it to it's own.
I have spent a number of years watching and reading about men struggling with faltering marriages and relationships here on TAM.
There are distinct arcs. There are distinct outcomes.
1. Stockholm Reconciliation - Things don't actually improve at all. The individual simply convinces himself that they have. All that has changed is his ability to cope with the same behavior. He does change his behavior, and therefore his response, which I won't say is a waste. But ... I would say remaining in the relationship is.
2. Super Nova - Dude tries, listens, attempts to execute. Hopefully develops some self insight, but he never quite fully accepts that he CAN'T change her. Underneath all of the hope and effort, that is what he wants.
What he NEEDS is to be able to accept and love his spouse as she is.
Eventually he hits threshold and pops, and does so spectacularly. The yield of the explosion usually makes it clear that if his focus is to be himself, then he cannot remain with his partner. For disclosure, I went Super Nova four months after finding TAM in 08.
3. Slow Burn - This guy's work is tireless. He accepts himself. He accepts her. But ... he develops boundaries. He is in for the long haul, he accepts that progress will be slow and there will be set-backs, but he remains hopeful. This is usually a marriage where respect hasn't already completely bled out. He is also prepared to accept that he may have to end the relationship if she can't respect boundaries or actively participate in the recovery of the relationship.
4. Drive Through - These guys want a quick fix. They don't really know what's going on, but they know they don't like it. They will claim they love their wives dearly, but in reading their posts it is clear that feeling is not reciprocated. They don't want to hear anything bad, like she's obviously having an affair. They don't want to change things too much, they don't want to rock the boat. They just want the wife that used to love them to somehow resurface. These guys tend not to stick around long.
5. Negative Ned - They want to fix their marriage but what is suggested they find stupid and couldn't ever possibly work for them. They would rather analyze and critique than actually DO something. Often have analysis paralysis. These guys are also quite clearly to other forum members, a primary cause of the dysfunction in their relationships, but they most certainly are never going to want to acknowledge or explore that.
6. Tragic Hero - Good man. Does the work. Looks at himself, looks at his partner, and ultimately recognizes for BOTH of their lives to improve, the relationship needs to be dissolved. Not the outcome he wants, but realizes it is the one he must choose.
7. Zen Master - Recognizes that the work NEVER ends. Is dedicated to improving himself for his benefit and that of his family. He inspires his partner, and builds a better, stronger, more present and self-aware marriage for both he and his wife.
There is also that rare man, or woman for that matter who finds his or her way here, who already has what most here seek, a fulfilling marriage, and a spouse who makes them feel loved and valued.
I would like folks to remember what our overall goal here is. Despite the often loud refrain of, "Get out, divorce ..." that what we want to try and foster is a healthy and happy relationship and beneficial outcome for both individuals.
Enjoy Spring.
I have spent a number of years watching and reading about men struggling with faltering marriages and relationships here on TAM.
There are distinct arcs. There are distinct outcomes.
1. Stockholm Reconciliation - Things don't actually improve at all. The individual simply convinces himself that they have. All that has changed is his ability to cope with the same behavior. He does change his behavior, and therefore his response, which I won't say is a waste. But ... I would say remaining in the relationship is.
2. Super Nova - Dude tries, listens, attempts to execute. Hopefully develops some self insight, but he never quite fully accepts that he CAN'T change her. Underneath all of the hope and effort, that is what he wants.
What he NEEDS is to be able to accept and love his spouse as she is.
Eventually he hits threshold and pops, and does so spectacularly. The yield of the explosion usually makes it clear that if his focus is to be himself, then he cannot remain with his partner. For disclosure, I went Super Nova four months after finding TAM in 08.
3. Slow Burn - This guy's work is tireless. He accepts himself. He accepts her. But ... he develops boundaries. He is in for the long haul, he accepts that progress will be slow and there will be set-backs, but he remains hopeful. This is usually a marriage where respect hasn't already completely bled out. He is also prepared to accept that he may have to end the relationship if she can't respect boundaries or actively participate in the recovery of the relationship.
4. Drive Through - These guys want a quick fix. They don't really know what's going on, but they know they don't like it. They will claim they love their wives dearly, but in reading their posts it is clear that feeling is not reciprocated. They don't want to hear anything bad, like she's obviously having an affair. They don't want to change things too much, they don't want to rock the boat. They just want the wife that used to love them to somehow resurface. These guys tend not to stick around long.
5. Negative Ned - They want to fix their marriage but what is suggested they find stupid and couldn't ever possibly work for them. They would rather analyze and critique than actually DO something. Often have analysis paralysis. These guys are also quite clearly to other forum members, a primary cause of the dysfunction in their relationships, but they most certainly are never going to want to acknowledge or explore that.
6. Tragic Hero - Good man. Does the work. Looks at himself, looks at his partner, and ultimately recognizes for BOTH of their lives to improve, the relationship needs to be dissolved. Not the outcome he wants, but realizes it is the one he must choose.
7. Zen Master - Recognizes that the work NEVER ends. Is dedicated to improving himself for his benefit and that of his family. He inspires his partner, and builds a better, stronger, more present and self-aware marriage for both he and his wife.
There is also that rare man, or woman for that matter who finds his or her way here, who already has what most here seek, a fulfilling marriage, and a spouse who makes them feel loved and valued.
I would like folks to remember what our overall goal here is. Despite the often loud refrain of, "Get out, divorce ..." that what we want to try and foster is a healthy and happy relationship and beneficial outcome for both individuals.
Enjoy Spring.
Put the internet to work for you.
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