I feel like life is just taking the piss with me. Everything good that seems to happen always seems to end up bad in a way that you wish the good never happened.
Was chatting to a girl that is in my mutual group of friends, just friendly chat. On Friday night I was meant to leave Uni for the weekend to do a planned activity. Our group of friends was going for a night out but she wasn't going to go. Last minute the person that was meant to drive me changed plans and told me we are now leaving the day after. So I decided to go out too and managed to convince her to come out blah blah, in the end I somehow managed to make out with her. Next day, while out, she sent me the "awkward cos we have same friends" msg, I told her I was ok with whatever and that I'll rather talk to her in person when I come back though. Came back today and ask her to go for a drink so we can talk. Turns out she is going for drinks with a guy that I know who she pretty much met during the night out on Friday and danced for a bit.
No one found out about what happened with me but they did find out about that date with this guy and so the mutual "lads" chat that we have got filled with jokes about it.
This is probably the biggest exaggeration of something to get so upset about, but its not so much what actually happened that is bugging me so much. Its the fact that the butterfly effect in this and the coincidences are a joke. The guy wasn't even in the same club until 20 minutes before I left with her to go home lol. These sort of events where you think something is going good just to be crushed just seem to happen too much to me. So many different combinations could have occurred where none of this happens/affects me and yet it had to be this one.
Its usually very hard to upset me as I had to "grow up" very quickly when I was still a kid, and pretty much learned to ignore anything that can upset me... But after years of just not being good enough at anything and other stuff, today's situation just made me topple over.
I have never had a girlfriend and generally just not the best at socialising. Confidence isn't that much of an issue (especially if after a few drinks) but I just get into stupid awkward silences when I run out of the basic questions. I have had a few good convos but usually they never end up anywhere. I just don't know what to do and when.
I have friends but I always feel like I'm "being carried", If I disappeared tomorrow, no one would care that much. I just wish I had someone I can really trust to share with, as I just seem to lock all the pain away and be very optimistic, forget quickly about failures etc but its all too much today. I'll be fine tomorrow, but the cycle just repeats and I want out...
What usually keeps me sane is the fact that I have been lucky enough to be generally healthy apart from few nuisances and that there are many people in the world who have been done much harder than I have. But that in it self is also what makes me sad - I had the chance to do well, nothing serious should have hindered me and yet I am here moaning about life.
I genuinely tried hard this year (1st year of uni), tried lots of new stuff, doing decent in my course. It was still probably my best year in my life. If I was only saying the good stuff that happened, my life wouldn't seem bad but of course, most people don't ever find out about all the things wrong with my life.
I don't usually post stuff like this, but maybe If I shared a portion I would feel better.
Thanks for reading :)
tl;dr Title...
Put the internet to work for you.
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