I will try to keep it short as poss...
My husband suffers from quite severe recurrent depression which we have discovered is worse in winter (SAD). The last two winters have been destroyed for us. The winter before last he had a breakdown and lost the ability to cope with work/kids, etc. Over the spring and summer of the next year he improved, having had some medication and counselling, but I never really felt like he properly 'came back'. I thought perhaps just a little more time as it was a pretty big crash.... every month or so I would remind him our relationship wasn't quite right and could we try to do something. He would agree but little would happen.
Come winter last year, on the internet he met a woman. I should add he wasn't looking for infidelity, not on dating sites or anything like that. This woman was part of a group in a game we played. They both seemed to share depressive traits and quickly fell into a friendship built on what he believed was a mutual understanding of how it felt to be them. In the space of a few weeks instead of him and I being a team, it became the two of them against the rest of the world. Me included in 'the rest of the world'.
Their relationship became inappropriate, discussing things they shouldn't, about me, about sex, about what they wanted to do, about how everything about them was fine and it was the rest of them (me, everyone else) that was wrong, for not just accepting them as they are.
I was pushed away, completely. He said he didn't know if he loved me enough, didn't know if he wanted our life together, just wanted 'what he wanted'
This continued for two months over december and january before eventually, unable to cope anymore, I read their messages so I could confront him, which I did. There was no plan for them to meet or have a physical relationship but their friendship was not appropriate. He spent every spare moment talking to her at the expense of me and our children. He was completely held in their world of fantasy.
My research has defined it as an emotional affair.
Immediately after the confrontation, where he realised I was not going to fight for him anymore, I was ready to let him go. He said it felt like waking up. The other person was dropped quickly and no more contact was had.
Then came the difficult bit. trying to understand and rebuild.
We've been going to counselling, and he has agreed to try a lightbox for winter, and making plans to manage his symptoms of depression better, medicating if necessary. He accepts that he put barriers up between us after his first depression and is trying hard to bring them down, understanding that his detachment from me made it easier for him to walk into trouble.
I can understand that deep in a depressive state, it was easier for him to immerse himself in a fantasy world rather than deal with the problems in the real one. I can kind of see how it happened and understand it to a degree.
But I still feel betrayed. I'm still hurt. I still can't 100% understand.
it's trying to put two conflicting thoughts together, without them cancelling each other out...
If he loved me, he wouldn't have done this vs he did this mostly because he was caught in depression.
it's hard. Really hard.
He is committed to rebuilding, committed to finding solutions for his depression. He is trying. I don't know how to allow myself to properly reinvest myself, I don't feel safe. Times pass where I feel myself starting to trust, starting to feel safer and then I push it away for self preservation. Possibly denying myself our way forwards out of fear.
If anyone has any insight to depression and infidelity, I'd be grateful for your input and discussion, suggestions of books or articles or previous postings. Thank you in advance, I'm Sorry it still ended up a long post.
My husband suffers from quite severe recurrent depression which we have discovered is worse in winter (SAD). The last two winters have been destroyed for us. The winter before last he had a breakdown and lost the ability to cope with work/kids, etc. Over the spring and summer of the next year he improved, having had some medication and counselling, but I never really felt like he properly 'came back'. I thought perhaps just a little more time as it was a pretty big crash.... every month or so I would remind him our relationship wasn't quite right and could we try to do something. He would agree but little would happen.
Come winter last year, on the internet he met a woman. I should add he wasn't looking for infidelity, not on dating sites or anything like that. This woman was part of a group in a game we played. They both seemed to share depressive traits and quickly fell into a friendship built on what he believed was a mutual understanding of how it felt to be them. In the space of a few weeks instead of him and I being a team, it became the two of them against the rest of the world. Me included in 'the rest of the world'.
Their relationship became inappropriate, discussing things they shouldn't, about me, about sex, about what they wanted to do, about how everything about them was fine and it was the rest of them (me, everyone else) that was wrong, for not just accepting them as they are.
I was pushed away, completely. He said he didn't know if he loved me enough, didn't know if he wanted our life together, just wanted 'what he wanted'
This continued for two months over december and january before eventually, unable to cope anymore, I read their messages so I could confront him, which I did. There was no plan for them to meet or have a physical relationship but their friendship was not appropriate. He spent every spare moment talking to her at the expense of me and our children. He was completely held in their world of fantasy.
My research has defined it as an emotional affair.
Immediately after the confrontation, where he realised I was not going to fight for him anymore, I was ready to let him go. He said it felt like waking up. The other person was dropped quickly and no more contact was had.
Then came the difficult bit. trying to understand and rebuild.
We've been going to counselling, and he has agreed to try a lightbox for winter, and making plans to manage his symptoms of depression better, medicating if necessary. He accepts that he put barriers up between us after his first depression and is trying hard to bring them down, understanding that his detachment from me made it easier for him to walk into trouble.
I can understand that deep in a depressive state, it was easier for him to immerse himself in a fantasy world rather than deal with the problems in the real one. I can kind of see how it happened and understand it to a degree.
But I still feel betrayed. I'm still hurt. I still can't 100% understand.
it's trying to put two conflicting thoughts together, without them cancelling each other out...
If he loved me, he wouldn't have done this vs he did this mostly because he was caught in depression.
it's hard. Really hard.
He is committed to rebuilding, committed to finding solutions for his depression. He is trying. I don't know how to allow myself to properly reinvest myself, I don't feel safe. Times pass where I feel myself starting to trust, starting to feel safer and then I push it away for self preservation. Possibly denying myself our way forwards out of fear.
If anyone has any insight to depression and infidelity, I'd be grateful for your input and discussion, suggestions of books or articles or previous postings. Thank you in advance, I'm Sorry it still ended up a long post.
Put the internet to work for you.
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