This thread is NOT the regular i-state-my-problem-you-give-me-a-solution type. It's a "conceptual" kind.
It's focused on helping us better understand this issue of infidelity.
All I want is for you to tell me (from your perspective) why people cheat. At the end, I'm hoping that we'll expand our individual understanding of the problem. That way, we can help ourselves – and others –better.
So let me start off…
There are 2 main reasons I believe people cheat…
1. Dedicated cheaters Attitude: Have you ever heard somebody say to you…
"I just cheated on my wife. I feel good having sex with a woman I'm sexually attracted to."
"I cheated on my husband and i don't regret it. And i wouldn't care if he slept with someone else. I do love him though, I just think sex is just sex."
"I have cheated on my wife so many times with a lot of women over the years. I love her so much but she isn't very good in bed."
These are the dedicated cheaters. They cheat for the fun of it.
Right now, I really don't understand them enough to talk about them. So I will not. Please if you have insights on them, share it.
2. Low quality relationship: this is all about how happy (or unhappy) a partner is in a relationship. An unhappy partner is likely to cheat. I see 3 reasons this happens…
i. The Jealousy factor: You know the possessive partner? The one who goes through your phone without permission; who gets mad each time you're out with friends without him/her; who demands to know your whereabouts always; who spits fire any single day you fail to call or text.
This is the jealousy factor at work.
The problem with this is that it prevents real intimacy from happening. It also affects the way your partner see (and feel about) the relationship – and you. It…
- Associates you with negative emotions
- Makes your partner uncomfortable with you and the relationship
- Shows your insecurity and makes them wonder if you're worth being in a relationship with
- Makes you unattractive. You become a turn off.
-Makes them see NO reason NOT to cheat – after all, you'd accused them of it, whether they do it or not.
ii. The nice guy (lady) syndrome: This is a situation where one partner takes responsibility for the happiness of the other.
There are 2 sides to this. The victim and the Savior
The victims are the typical nagging wife (or girlfriend) or the complaining husband (or boyfriend). They always position themselves as the victims: they ones wronged. They expect their partner to be responsible for their happiness and actions.
The saviors are your typical Mr. Nice guy (or lady). They're the type that distributes their partners C.V while s/he just sits on the couch all day. They take responsibility for their partners happiness.
They believe that if they're just nice, then they'd get what they want. Usually, they don't. And this leads to resentment. They avoid conflict like a plague.
Funny enough, the victims and saviors tend to attract each other.
The nice guy syndrome is caused by weak "personal boundaries".
iii. Shallow understanding of gender differences: There are huge psychological differences between men and women – most people don't know this.
As a result, they tend to love the opposite gender the way they'd love to be loved. Then they get surprised when their love is not appreciated.
For example…
Women deal with their problems by talking about it. Men deal with theirs by going into their "shell." They love solving problems on their own.
So a woman may see her man withdraw. She may try to help by getting him to talk. When he refuses her offer, she often feels rejected. If she had known better, she would have realized that leaving him alone is the best way to help him.
Another example…
A woman comes home telling her husband how bad her day went. All she wants is his undivided attention. But most times, he tries to give her solutions. Then he gets confused when she complains that he's not listening.
If not dealt with, shallow understanding of gender differences can lead to "accumulated resentment" which often kills the fire of love.
So that's all I know. Please share yours.
You can also react to my posts. Does it bring a memory? Share it. Did it give you new ideas? Share it. Do you object to any part? Share it.
It's focused on helping us better understand this issue of infidelity.
All I want is for you to tell me (from your perspective) why people cheat. At the end, I'm hoping that we'll expand our individual understanding of the problem. That way, we can help ourselves – and others –better.
So let me start off…
There are 2 main reasons I believe people cheat…
1. Dedicated cheaters Attitude: Have you ever heard somebody say to you…
"I just cheated on my wife. I feel good having sex with a woman I'm sexually attracted to."
"I cheated on my husband and i don't regret it. And i wouldn't care if he slept with someone else. I do love him though, I just think sex is just sex."
"I have cheated on my wife so many times with a lot of women over the years. I love her so much but she isn't very good in bed."
These are the dedicated cheaters. They cheat for the fun of it.
Right now, I really don't understand them enough to talk about them. So I will not. Please if you have insights on them, share it.
2. Low quality relationship: this is all about how happy (or unhappy) a partner is in a relationship. An unhappy partner is likely to cheat. I see 3 reasons this happens…
i. The Jealousy factor: You know the possessive partner? The one who goes through your phone without permission; who gets mad each time you're out with friends without him/her; who demands to know your whereabouts always; who spits fire any single day you fail to call or text.
This is the jealousy factor at work.
The problem with this is that it prevents real intimacy from happening. It also affects the way your partner see (and feel about) the relationship – and you. It…
- Associates you with negative emotions
- Makes your partner uncomfortable with you and the relationship
- Shows your insecurity and makes them wonder if you're worth being in a relationship with
- Makes you unattractive. You become a turn off.
-Makes them see NO reason NOT to cheat – after all, you'd accused them of it, whether they do it or not.
ii. The nice guy (lady) syndrome: This is a situation where one partner takes responsibility for the happiness of the other.
There are 2 sides to this. The victim and the Savior
The victims are the typical nagging wife (or girlfriend) or the complaining husband (or boyfriend). They always position themselves as the victims: they ones wronged. They expect their partner to be responsible for their happiness and actions.
The saviors are your typical Mr. Nice guy (or lady). They're the type that distributes their partners C.V while s/he just sits on the couch all day. They take responsibility for their partners happiness.
They believe that if they're just nice, then they'd get what they want. Usually, they don't. And this leads to resentment. They avoid conflict like a plague.
Funny enough, the victims and saviors tend to attract each other.
The nice guy syndrome is caused by weak "personal boundaries".
iii. Shallow understanding of gender differences: There are huge psychological differences between men and women – most people don't know this.
As a result, they tend to love the opposite gender the way they'd love to be loved. Then they get surprised when their love is not appreciated.
For example…
Women deal with their problems by talking about it. Men deal with theirs by going into their "shell." They love solving problems on their own.
So a woman may see her man withdraw. She may try to help by getting him to talk. When he refuses her offer, she often feels rejected. If she had known better, she would have realized that leaving him alone is the best way to help him.
Another example…
A woman comes home telling her husband how bad her day went. All she wants is his undivided attention. But most times, he tries to give her solutions. Then he gets confused when she complains that he's not listening.
If not dealt with, shallow understanding of gender differences can lead to "accumulated resentment" which often kills the fire of love.
So that's all I know. Please share yours.
You can also react to my posts. Does it bring a memory? Share it. Did it give you new ideas? Share it. Do you object to any part? Share it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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