Hi All
With this being my first post, and one of the biggest problems in our marriage at this point in time being sex, I thought I'd start here.
A bit of background… My wife and I have been married for 22 years, we have 2 kids, my son (disabled) is 19 yrs old, and my daughter (doing just fine) is 16. Throughout our married life, our sex life has never been anything special. Because of my sons condition we spent many nights if different beds, not intentionally, but because he'd not sleep unless one of us was with him. So over the years our sex life suffered. We'd get on with life, but it was always one point that I wish I'd paid more attention to.
We grew up and got married in South Africa, and moved to the UK for my job and my sons schooling about 12 years ago. Life has been much better here in the UK, well schooling for my son has, as well as financially we're better off. I've got a good job and have never been unemployed, so my wife didn't need to work and stayed home to look after schooling and all the other family matters, especially where my sons concerns lay. She's had a few odd jobs, but she's never really found anything that's kept her interest. She always has liked her bed and is not the most energetic person around. Definitely not a morning person.
But last year the atom bomb fell… I found out my wife had been seeing another 'friend' while I thought she was on girlie nights out with her friends, I found out they'd been going to clubs and she admitted 'kissing' this guy (but 'that's all' she's told me). Well that shook my whole world, I never had a clue.
At the same time she told me that during a European visit where she travelled through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, she's 99% sure she was drugged and raped (this is going back about 20 years). At the time she just thought she'd had a serious hangover…??? But continued through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, where we had a 'good time' and did some site seeing and some travel together. She travelled back to South Africa and I followed about a month later. When I got home, she told me she was pregnant…??? So as you can see April 2014 was quite a month where a lot of truths came to the surface! I did think if my son was actually mine and all, and should I get any testing done to make sure he's actually mine, but I didn't feel I wanted to, whatever the outcome, I'm his dad and always will be.
But my wife's 'kissing' this other guy really got me worried. We spoke in depth about our situation and she told me that our relationship, from her side, had been going down for quite a few years (another shock to me as I just didn't even realise or see it), anyway, after discussing it in detail with her, I saw how sad she actually was, and throughout the years I just didn't see it.
Obviously I didn't want to lose her, so I made a serious effort last year to change my ways, I started gym, lost those extra pounds you pick up over the years, made it a point to take more notice of her and her feelings and become generally closer to her. And it's worked brilliantly; we're closer that we've ever been before.
I think my change came as a big surprise to her, at first I think she thought it wouldn't last, but after a few months I think she realised I was serious, I didn't like my old self, and I was doing it not only for her, but for me as well. The results have been good, my relationship with me kids have improved 100 fold, my wife and I are talking like we've never talked before, and we're much closer that we've been in years…. But the sex seems to be the last stumbling block and we just can't seem to get over it. She's recently told me I've never been able to make her orgasm… which I found quite a blow to the man's ego lol but after reading a few posts on this forum, I feel better knowing I'm not alone and it can be quite normal.
And because we're talking so well, we've discussed the sex thing and we've both promised to try get it going again, but it's not happening, she complains it's sore, she tells me I don't have a clue what I'm doing when I try different things…. like going down on her which I've only started doing in the last year, she says the only way she gets off is with her vibrator. So I even bought her another vibrator, but she hasn't used it.
So I'm now starting to come to the conclusion that it's the love that's gone and there's no getting it back…. the bad sex is just the result.
I only wish our sex life could be better as I feel this would bring us a lot closer in a way that living together and talking can't.
I'm really at that point that I don't know if I should call it a day and separate, or give her more time and love for her sake and the sake of the family.
I really was stupid in my earlier married years, I think I might have left it too late to pull things back together.
I really love her and want to make it work, my blinkers are now off and I see and feel her pain, I just don't know if I can ever get her back… but why I posted in this sex forum is because I do believe a good sex life would be a great help to the road to recovery.
PS. Talking about it on a forum, like this… well I still feel a bit weird… lol. But I'm keen to hear from others who might have advice or had similar experiences….
Thanks
AJT
With this being my first post, and one of the biggest problems in our marriage at this point in time being sex, I thought I'd start here.
A bit of background… My wife and I have been married for 22 years, we have 2 kids, my son (disabled) is 19 yrs old, and my daughter (doing just fine) is 16. Throughout our married life, our sex life has never been anything special. Because of my sons condition we spent many nights if different beds, not intentionally, but because he'd not sleep unless one of us was with him. So over the years our sex life suffered. We'd get on with life, but it was always one point that I wish I'd paid more attention to.
We grew up and got married in South Africa, and moved to the UK for my job and my sons schooling about 12 years ago. Life has been much better here in the UK, well schooling for my son has, as well as financially we're better off. I've got a good job and have never been unemployed, so my wife didn't need to work and stayed home to look after schooling and all the other family matters, especially where my sons concerns lay. She's had a few odd jobs, but she's never really found anything that's kept her interest. She always has liked her bed and is not the most energetic person around. Definitely not a morning person.
But last year the atom bomb fell… I found out my wife had been seeing another 'friend' while I thought she was on girlie nights out with her friends, I found out they'd been going to clubs and she admitted 'kissing' this guy (but 'that's all' she's told me). Well that shook my whole world, I never had a clue.
At the same time she told me that during a European visit where she travelled through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, she's 99% sure she was drugged and raped (this is going back about 20 years). At the time she just thought she'd had a serious hangover…??? But continued through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, where we had a 'good time' and did some site seeing and some travel together. She travelled back to South Africa and I followed about a month later. When I got home, she told me she was pregnant…??? So as you can see April 2014 was quite a month where a lot of truths came to the surface! I did think if my son was actually mine and all, and should I get any testing done to make sure he's actually mine, but I didn't feel I wanted to, whatever the outcome, I'm his dad and always will be.
But my wife's 'kissing' this other guy really got me worried. We spoke in depth about our situation and she told me that our relationship, from her side, had been going down for quite a few years (another shock to me as I just didn't even realise or see it), anyway, after discussing it in detail with her, I saw how sad she actually was, and throughout the years I just didn't see it.
Obviously I didn't want to lose her, so I made a serious effort last year to change my ways, I started gym, lost those extra pounds you pick up over the years, made it a point to take more notice of her and her feelings and become generally closer to her. And it's worked brilliantly; we're closer that we've ever been before.
I think my change came as a big surprise to her, at first I think she thought it wouldn't last, but after a few months I think she realised I was serious, I didn't like my old self, and I was doing it not only for her, but for me as well. The results have been good, my relationship with me kids have improved 100 fold, my wife and I are talking like we've never talked before, and we're much closer that we've been in years…. But the sex seems to be the last stumbling block and we just can't seem to get over it. She's recently told me I've never been able to make her orgasm… which I found quite a blow to the man's ego lol but after reading a few posts on this forum, I feel better knowing I'm not alone and it can be quite normal.
And because we're talking so well, we've discussed the sex thing and we've both promised to try get it going again, but it's not happening, she complains it's sore, she tells me I don't have a clue what I'm doing when I try different things…. like going down on her which I've only started doing in the last year, she says the only way she gets off is with her vibrator. So I even bought her another vibrator, but she hasn't used it.
So I'm now starting to come to the conclusion that it's the love that's gone and there's no getting it back…. the bad sex is just the result.
I only wish our sex life could be better as I feel this would bring us a lot closer in a way that living together and talking can't.
I'm really at that point that I don't know if I should call it a day and separate, or give her more time and love for her sake and the sake of the family.
I really was stupid in my earlier married years, I think I might have left it too late to pull things back together.
I really love her and want to make it work, my blinkers are now off and I see and feel her pain, I just don't know if I can ever get her back… but why I posted in this sex forum is because I do believe a good sex life would be a great help to the road to recovery.
PS. Talking about it on a forum, like this… well I still feel a bit weird… lol. But I'm keen to hear from others who might have advice or had similar experiences….
Thanks
AJT
Put the internet to work for you.
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