I was the WAW. Took me 3 years to leave my emotionally shut off husband. He is very self absorbed - mainly due to some serious anxiety/depression issues that he refused to get help for. We've been separated 3 months. No kids. We're 48, married 8 years, together 10.
In the last year together I completely gave up. I think I threw in a few hail Mary attempts at intimacy, fun, SOMETHING more than being just roommates. That led me to start seeing someone else and then to give my husband the news that I was leaving the next week. I should have done it sooner. I do not believe in infidelity and that's not what this is about.
So when we first split up I was anxious to get everything going - bank accounts separated, separation papers filed, etc. I wanted it to be done and moving on. Then when he begged me not to leave, that he would finally listen to me, that he would get the help I'd been asking him to, etc, etc I weakened. I still moved out but clung to hope that it was temporary, we could make this work again.
BTW, I wasn't seeing the OM for over 6 weeks during this early stage of our separation.
Now I'm thinking I just panicked about being alone. I wanted to be back in my own bed, my own house, back to safety and security with a man who, somewhere deep down, loves me. He just doesn't share that side of himself with me.
I started telling him when to call, when we should meet, bugging him about calling for his own IC, getting him to exercise, giving him lists of all the things I wanted to see from him - and fast. He listened, agreed, but then once again, didn't do anything. I got frustrated as I have for the past 3 years or more. I started seeing the OM again. Casually. But yes, sleeping together - sometimes.
I've told my H (as of last weekend) that I need a break, I need some time to really think about things - and to stop pressuring him to change and give him a timeline to do it in (which I think he was relieved about). I feel like a cloud is lifted. No more pressure on me to "fix" things. My thoughts have stopped spinning.
I'm been gradually getting out, going to classes, exercising (dropped 15 lbs), getting in touch with old friends, going to meetup.com events, volunteering - basically just saying "yes" to anything that comes my way since the split. And you could say that I should have been doing this all along during our relationship - and yes, to some degree. But I want to be in a relationship where we share experiences together - don't do everything apart - and also, my husband suffers from social anxiety and sometimes simply social inexperience. So I often turn things down because of that. He either gets himself worked up to a throwing up stage or he acts/says inappropriate things. All things that he promises to work on.
Last night was particularly confusing. I know I had a large hand in that. It would have been our 8th anniversary. I chose to spend it with the OM. Dinner, etc at his place. Great time - and not just the sex, our friendship is getting more and more developed. Leaving, I checked my messages and there's 2 long texts from my H saying how lonely he is, how convinced he is that we'll be back celebrating together this time next year.
So I'm left wondering, if it took me 3 years to leave, and I finally did it - is it really salvageable? Can he really change enough to bring back romantic love for him again? And isn't the sheer fact that I want to explore a possible relationship with another man enough to say its time to move on. I'm wondering if I'm holding on to my H as a safety net. Or if I truly hope he makes at least some of the healthy changes I've asked him to (get the help he needs for one) and would that be enough for me. Or am I just avoiding the inevitable - the finality of it all?
I was asked recently about happy memories of my marriage and I honestly can't remember any fun times after our dating stage. We used to like to cook together but now I look back and think - but it was me that put the music on, that opened the
bottle of wine, that did most of the talking...he was focused on the task at hand. I don't even know if I can rely on my memories anymore. There were comforting, nice times, but not laugh out loud fun times.
I'm scared to say the final goodbye that I think needs to be said. Should I just be straight with him and tell him about the OM so he really understands how far gone I am from him? Or is that unnecessary hurt?
So confused.
In the last year together I completely gave up. I think I threw in a few hail Mary attempts at intimacy, fun, SOMETHING more than being just roommates. That led me to start seeing someone else and then to give my husband the news that I was leaving the next week. I should have done it sooner. I do not believe in infidelity and that's not what this is about.
So when we first split up I was anxious to get everything going - bank accounts separated, separation papers filed, etc. I wanted it to be done and moving on. Then when he begged me not to leave, that he would finally listen to me, that he would get the help I'd been asking him to, etc, etc I weakened. I still moved out but clung to hope that it was temporary, we could make this work again.
BTW, I wasn't seeing the OM for over 6 weeks during this early stage of our separation.
Now I'm thinking I just panicked about being alone. I wanted to be back in my own bed, my own house, back to safety and security with a man who, somewhere deep down, loves me. He just doesn't share that side of himself with me.
I started telling him when to call, when we should meet, bugging him about calling for his own IC, getting him to exercise, giving him lists of all the things I wanted to see from him - and fast. He listened, agreed, but then once again, didn't do anything. I got frustrated as I have for the past 3 years or more. I started seeing the OM again. Casually. But yes, sleeping together - sometimes.
I've told my H (as of last weekend) that I need a break, I need some time to really think about things - and to stop pressuring him to change and give him a timeline to do it in (which I think he was relieved about). I feel like a cloud is lifted. No more pressure on me to "fix" things. My thoughts have stopped spinning.
I'm been gradually getting out, going to classes, exercising (dropped 15 lbs), getting in touch with old friends, going to meetup.com events, volunteering - basically just saying "yes" to anything that comes my way since the split. And you could say that I should have been doing this all along during our relationship - and yes, to some degree. But I want to be in a relationship where we share experiences together - don't do everything apart - and also, my husband suffers from social anxiety and sometimes simply social inexperience. So I often turn things down because of that. He either gets himself worked up to a throwing up stage or he acts/says inappropriate things. All things that he promises to work on.
Last night was particularly confusing. I know I had a large hand in that. It would have been our 8th anniversary. I chose to spend it with the OM. Dinner, etc at his place. Great time - and not just the sex, our friendship is getting more and more developed. Leaving, I checked my messages and there's 2 long texts from my H saying how lonely he is, how convinced he is that we'll be back celebrating together this time next year.
So I'm left wondering, if it took me 3 years to leave, and I finally did it - is it really salvageable? Can he really change enough to bring back romantic love for him again? And isn't the sheer fact that I want to explore a possible relationship with another man enough to say its time to move on. I'm wondering if I'm holding on to my H as a safety net. Or if I truly hope he makes at least some of the healthy changes I've asked him to (get the help he needs for one) and would that be enough for me. Or am I just avoiding the inevitable - the finality of it all?
I was asked recently about happy memories of my marriage and I honestly can't remember any fun times after our dating stage. We used to like to cook together but now I look back and think - but it was me that put the music on, that opened the
bottle of wine, that did most of the talking...he was focused on the task at hand. I don't even know if I can rely on my memories anymore. There were comforting, nice times, but not laugh out loud fun times.
I'm scared to say the final goodbye that I think needs to be said. Should I just be straight with him and tell him about the OM so he really understands how far gone I am from him? Or is that unnecessary hurt?
So confused.
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