Okay, for those of you who have read my other threads and posted such kind and helpful comments, things have changed a little recently.
3 weeks ago my husband spent the Saturday drinking - he was in an absolutely vile mood all day, ranting about one thing or another so I went out for a walk for a couple of hours. I had a good long think and decided to confront him about his behaviour the next day when we was sober. The following day, before I had a chance to raise the subject, he poured another drink. I then pointed out to him that I spend most of my time totally stressed but had spent the previous day actually frightened at times. He didn't take it too well at first so I walked out of the room and into my office to get some work done. Ten minutes later, he came an apologised, poured the rest of his bottle of whiskey down the sink and has not had a drink in the house since then. He does have a drink on our regular weekly night out, but this hasn't caused a problem so far. He has also started playing badminton twice a week in a bid to get himself healthier and fitter.
The following week, we had another argument during which I confessed that I haven't been happy in our marriage for more than a year and that I would leave him if I could afford to do so. I told him that I would rather sleep on my own and that the lack of sex was driving me crazy - that our marriage is platonic. He confessed that he is worried about the lack of intimacy but just never feels sexual in any way - he is hoping that sobriety and an improvement in health will bring his mojo back. I told him that at present I don't feel that I want sex with him anyway, that our marriage has deteriorated too far for that. He begged me to give our marriage another chance and I agreed to do so.
Since then, we still haven't had sex (it's been 6 months now and we only had sex 5 times in the past year) and there is no sign that this will change. He makes sure to compliment me on a regular basis (as he always has). However, I have lost any feelings of attraction I felt towards him and find it difficult to return the compliments as this would just be false.
The dilemma I have is that today he went to collect a Valentine's present he has got for me - he tried to give it to me when he arrived home, but I've asked him to keep it until Valentine's Day (Saturday) and give it to me then. The problem is that he will make these gestures, give compliments, etc and do all sorts of "romantic" stuff, but still shows no signs of having any desire to have sex with me. For my part, I feel as if the whole things is false, a hypocrisy - we're living in a sham of a marriage and he's making romantic gestures - I feel as if the whole thing is totally false. He gets totally passionate about other stuff, especially politics and social injustices, but seems to have no passion for me at all. When I agreed to carry on trying with the marriage we did have a kiss that was a little more than the usual peck on the cheek/mouth and a hug, but that's about all that has happened between us physically so far.
I know that if and when we do start to have sex again, there a lot of work to be done on making the sex good - so far it has been rough and more porn-style than the sort of sex I was hoping to achieve. He scorns the phrase "making love" and it's something that I don't think he's ever done. The sex is very one-night stand in style and I know it will be an uphill challenge for me to get across to him that I want sex to be more meaningful, a way of communicating our love for each other, rather than an activity that we do. The other problem is that because the lack of sex has been causing a problem for most of our two year marriage, I've reached the stage where he just doesn't turn me on - the thought of having sex with him is pretty distasteful right now and I don't know if this can be fixed. I would welcome any advice on whether this can be solved and how to go about doing so :)
3 weeks ago my husband spent the Saturday drinking - he was in an absolutely vile mood all day, ranting about one thing or another so I went out for a walk for a couple of hours. I had a good long think and decided to confront him about his behaviour the next day when we was sober. The following day, before I had a chance to raise the subject, he poured another drink. I then pointed out to him that I spend most of my time totally stressed but had spent the previous day actually frightened at times. He didn't take it too well at first so I walked out of the room and into my office to get some work done. Ten minutes later, he came an apologised, poured the rest of his bottle of whiskey down the sink and has not had a drink in the house since then. He does have a drink on our regular weekly night out, but this hasn't caused a problem so far. He has also started playing badminton twice a week in a bid to get himself healthier and fitter.
The following week, we had another argument during which I confessed that I haven't been happy in our marriage for more than a year and that I would leave him if I could afford to do so. I told him that I would rather sleep on my own and that the lack of sex was driving me crazy - that our marriage is platonic. He confessed that he is worried about the lack of intimacy but just never feels sexual in any way - he is hoping that sobriety and an improvement in health will bring his mojo back. I told him that at present I don't feel that I want sex with him anyway, that our marriage has deteriorated too far for that. He begged me to give our marriage another chance and I agreed to do so.
Since then, we still haven't had sex (it's been 6 months now and we only had sex 5 times in the past year) and there is no sign that this will change. He makes sure to compliment me on a regular basis (as he always has). However, I have lost any feelings of attraction I felt towards him and find it difficult to return the compliments as this would just be false.
The dilemma I have is that today he went to collect a Valentine's present he has got for me - he tried to give it to me when he arrived home, but I've asked him to keep it until Valentine's Day (Saturday) and give it to me then. The problem is that he will make these gestures, give compliments, etc and do all sorts of "romantic" stuff, but still shows no signs of having any desire to have sex with me. For my part, I feel as if the whole things is false, a hypocrisy - we're living in a sham of a marriage and he's making romantic gestures - I feel as if the whole thing is totally false. He gets totally passionate about other stuff, especially politics and social injustices, but seems to have no passion for me at all. When I agreed to carry on trying with the marriage we did have a kiss that was a little more than the usual peck on the cheek/mouth and a hug, but that's about all that has happened between us physically so far.
I know that if and when we do start to have sex again, there a lot of work to be done on making the sex good - so far it has been rough and more porn-style than the sort of sex I was hoping to achieve. He scorns the phrase "making love" and it's something that I don't think he's ever done. The sex is very one-night stand in style and I know it will be an uphill challenge for me to get across to him that I want sex to be more meaningful, a way of communicating our love for each other, rather than an activity that we do. The other problem is that because the lack of sex has been causing a problem for most of our two year marriage, I've reached the stage where he just doesn't turn me on - the thought of having sex with him is pretty distasteful right now and I don't know if this can be fixed. I would welcome any advice on whether this can be solved and how to go about doing so :)
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