First post & not sure where to start. I've been reading the forums for awhile & have been helped very much by the comments/stories here.
My situation:
32 YOF, married 10 yrs to 34 YOM. 1.5 year old son. We both have careers that we love. We have had a good marriage. No major issues. However, we are both the type to stuff issues so as not to cause a stir.
I am very concerned by the amount of male attention I enjoy/desire. I think I probably get a normal amount of attention for some one who doesn't party/go out/openly flirt. Although I rarely get an overt sexual proposition from a stranger in public. When a man flirts, compliments me, talks to me, does something nice for me or even just smiles at me it makes my day. When a man is dismissive of me I take it personally. Over the years I have had some OS friendships & I have always ended up being very attracted to them but maintained excellent boundaries & do not believe they would suspect my true feelings, which I understand is manipulative of me. But I realize that Im not necessarily attracted to them, but the validation. It's like for some reason I am just desperate for male validation. (For the record I do have healthy female friendships & good relationships with my family.)
My husband is great - kind, attractive, smart, charismatic - everyone loves him including me. This is a deficiency in my character that has nothing to do with him. I am attracted to him & have admiration for him. I am very uninhibited with him sexually. I never turn him down & initiate frequently & like to try different things. In other words, I would not say we have a vanilla sex life. I Just seem to need approval from other men as well.
I am not sure what to do. Honestly, I've been this way as long as I can remember & it seems to be getting worse. Thing is, I never slept around or acted on this. I dated several different guys in college & only had a few boyfriends before I got married pretty young, so I've only been with one other man besides my husband. My sister, on the other hand, was very promiscuous, overtly attention--seeking, dated/pursued a married maN, cheated on her boyfriends, cheated with her best friends boyfriends & had tons of hookups & relationships. sometimes I feel jealous of her experiences. What is wrong with me???!!! On one thread I read where this could be a way of avoiding intimacy with your partner. That could be possible.
I am very sweet & shy in real life . Everyone thinks I am mature & a "good girI." I am calm, aloof & level-headed. I don't make sex jokes, flirt or do things to try to get attention. Men treat me respectfully. I have never actively pursued a relationship with any man - even my OS friendships have been because they initiated & mostly maintained the relationship. Mostly bc I am terrified of rejection by men, even as friends. My husband always jokes that he pursued me until he wore me down. No one would ever imagine how inwardly desperate I am.
In a nutshell, my problem is that in my mind, my self worth is defined by how attractive I am to men. I logically recognize the fallacy of this sort of immature thinking. I don't know where it came from. Has anyone else been like this & turned it around? I was in counseling for 2 yrs but found myself attempting to manipulate my male counselor into validating me. (!) Maybe I need to go to a woman. I don't want to be like this. Thank you in advance.
My situation:
32 YOF, married 10 yrs to 34 YOM. 1.5 year old son. We both have careers that we love. We have had a good marriage. No major issues. However, we are both the type to stuff issues so as not to cause a stir.
I am very concerned by the amount of male attention I enjoy/desire. I think I probably get a normal amount of attention for some one who doesn't party/go out/openly flirt. Although I rarely get an overt sexual proposition from a stranger in public. When a man flirts, compliments me, talks to me, does something nice for me or even just smiles at me it makes my day. When a man is dismissive of me I take it personally. Over the years I have had some OS friendships & I have always ended up being very attracted to them but maintained excellent boundaries & do not believe they would suspect my true feelings, which I understand is manipulative of me. But I realize that Im not necessarily attracted to them, but the validation. It's like for some reason I am just desperate for male validation. (For the record I do have healthy female friendships & good relationships with my family.)
My husband is great - kind, attractive, smart, charismatic - everyone loves him including me. This is a deficiency in my character that has nothing to do with him. I am attracted to him & have admiration for him. I am very uninhibited with him sexually. I never turn him down & initiate frequently & like to try different things. In other words, I would not say we have a vanilla sex life. I Just seem to need approval from other men as well.
I am not sure what to do. Honestly, I've been this way as long as I can remember & it seems to be getting worse. Thing is, I never slept around or acted on this. I dated several different guys in college & only had a few boyfriends before I got married pretty young, so I've only been with one other man besides my husband. My sister, on the other hand, was very promiscuous, overtly attention--seeking, dated/pursued a married maN, cheated on her boyfriends, cheated with her best friends boyfriends & had tons of hookups & relationships. sometimes I feel jealous of her experiences. What is wrong with me???!!! On one thread I read where this could be a way of avoiding intimacy with your partner. That could be possible.
I am very sweet & shy in real life . Everyone thinks I am mature & a "good girI." I am calm, aloof & level-headed. I don't make sex jokes, flirt or do things to try to get attention. Men treat me respectfully. I have never actively pursued a relationship with any man - even my OS friendships have been because they initiated & mostly maintained the relationship. Mostly bc I am terrified of rejection by men, even as friends. My husband always jokes that he pursued me until he wore me down. No one would ever imagine how inwardly desperate I am.
In a nutshell, my problem is that in my mind, my self worth is defined by how attractive I am to men. I logically recognize the fallacy of this sort of immature thinking. I don't know where it came from. Has anyone else been like this & turned it around? I was in counseling for 2 yrs but found myself attempting to manipulate my male counselor into validating me. (!) Maybe I need to go to a woman. I don't want to be like this. Thank you in advance.
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