I would like to say thank you to those who have helped me with my questions on the men's club (a couple of very good advice and sharing) and give a little update for those interested.
I had not given much information about my H on my original thread other than how I feel. He is a great father, always gentle and caring. We do not fight over anything much, we do not question each other on our finances, we are great partners in parenting and domestic chores, our kids adore him (he is their hero), we support each other in our career goals and he will never say no to me other than talking about some unpleasant events or emotions. We often have great conversations on various subjects except our "emotional issues" which was the only dark spot in our marriage for the last 4 years or so (the first 10 years of marriage was a bliss and the next 3 years was okay). Although we talked in circles about the issues now and then during the last 4 years, the last 2 years were void of complains or emotional connections but we separated our daily lives from this and continued or pretended like nothing is wrong when there was a big elephant sitting in the room. We went on vacations, bought gifts and celebrated special occasions like nothing is wrong. I know this is crazy but he refused to talk about the issues any more and I often ended up talking to the wall so I stopped it.
I started to resent him for his actions that lead to this and kept adding on to my resentment list. He continued to ignore the issues regardless of how I tried to connect with him emotionally. I wanted to leave him but he begged me not to and promised to work on the matter. However, it did not happen.
He said he wanted to, but procrastinated. I had a month break this year from work and studies so decided to use this time to figure out what to do and so posted on TAM. I had already realized that he was not the only one who messed up the beautiful life we built but I was not able to put my finger on exactly what I did. After following one constructive advice here on TAM I was able to get close to him emotions again. He is still very hesitant to talk freely but we have started talking (phew...that was a break through). Last night was the first day of talking and he told me when it all started and that he too has resentments for some of my actions but was afraid that I will hurt if he tells me:rolleyes: So far, he has given me 3 incidents that I agree with and still to come tonight. He has agreed to go for counselling if it will connect us back like we used to be.
I have felt like leaving him many times during the last 2 years for the emotional rejections but I can't do that without knowing the reasons. I can't quit on my beautiful family without leaving every angle analysed. I will never hesitate to D him if there is cheating or abuse involved though.
Aside from my own story...
Advocating D seems like the only viable solution here on TAM for many marital issues with some pre set advices. I do not believe in that with the exception to cheating and abuse. We loved and married someone and vowed to stay in sickness and health, it should not be taken too lightly especially when children are involved. I am not saying we should put up with crap for the sake of children but don't quit without trying it all for the sake of children and the person we once loved. We bring lives into this world and we are responsible for their well being. Its not that difficult finding another partner given the divorce rate but it is very unlikely that we are going to find someone without a baggage and some crap. So instead of working on someone else's baggage we can try working on the person who once loved us, the parent of our kids (I don't think anyone can replace their father, he will give his life for them). This doesn't mean I am sacrificing my own happiness for ot her, but this is my happiness, leaving them or splitting it up will make me miserable in the long run.
I come from a little collectivist perspective, so it will not appeal to all but marriage is nothing about individualism I guess. I used to read here on TAM many years ago when we first started having problem and I should say that TAM used to be a great place to discover and heal marital problems. There were great members who gave sensitive, respectful and constructive feedbacks and solutions. Its a shame its not the same any more. Its evident from the number of viewers per section. I have seen up to 800 people viewing some sections before which has now dwindled down to less than 100. There are still great people here but I can see that they are not posting much for some reasons or are compelled to post what is generally accepted so as to be accepted and liked? I don't know! I am not sure if staying on here despite my busy schedule will benefit much but definitely there are some fun threads and interesting facts here for the fun and light hearted people.
Once again, thanks to some who have helped me see my own faults and the way to communicate with my H and find the underlying problems. That has greatly helped. I am confident that things will work out from now on and if it doesn't then I can leave knowing I did my best and did not give up so easily.
I had not given much information about my H on my original thread other than how I feel. He is a great father, always gentle and caring. We do not fight over anything much, we do not question each other on our finances, we are great partners in parenting and domestic chores, our kids adore him (he is their hero), we support each other in our career goals and he will never say no to me other than talking about some unpleasant events or emotions. We often have great conversations on various subjects except our "emotional issues" which was the only dark spot in our marriage for the last 4 years or so (the first 10 years of marriage was a bliss and the next 3 years was okay). Although we talked in circles about the issues now and then during the last 4 years, the last 2 years were void of complains or emotional connections but we separated our daily lives from this and continued or pretended like nothing is wrong when there was a big elephant sitting in the room. We went on vacations, bought gifts and celebrated special occasions like nothing is wrong. I know this is crazy but he refused to talk about the issues any more and I often ended up talking to the wall so I stopped it.
I started to resent him for his actions that lead to this and kept adding on to my resentment list. He continued to ignore the issues regardless of how I tried to connect with him emotionally. I wanted to leave him but he begged me not to and promised to work on the matter. However, it did not happen.
He said he wanted to, but procrastinated. I had a month break this year from work and studies so decided to use this time to figure out what to do and so posted on TAM. I had already realized that he was not the only one who messed up the beautiful life we built but I was not able to put my finger on exactly what I did. After following one constructive advice here on TAM I was able to get close to him emotions again. He is still very hesitant to talk freely but we have started talking (phew...that was a break through). Last night was the first day of talking and he told me when it all started and that he too has resentments for some of my actions but was afraid that I will hurt if he tells me:rolleyes: So far, he has given me 3 incidents that I agree with and still to come tonight. He has agreed to go for counselling if it will connect us back like we used to be.
I have felt like leaving him many times during the last 2 years for the emotional rejections but I can't do that without knowing the reasons. I can't quit on my beautiful family without leaving every angle analysed. I will never hesitate to D him if there is cheating or abuse involved though.
Aside from my own story...
Advocating D seems like the only viable solution here on TAM for many marital issues with some pre set advices. I do not believe in that with the exception to cheating and abuse. We loved and married someone and vowed to stay in sickness and health, it should not be taken too lightly especially when children are involved. I am not saying we should put up with crap for the sake of children but don't quit without trying it all for the sake of children and the person we once loved. We bring lives into this world and we are responsible for their well being. Its not that difficult finding another partner given the divorce rate but it is very unlikely that we are going to find someone without a baggage and some crap. So instead of working on someone else's baggage we can try working on the person who once loved us, the parent of our kids (I don't think anyone can replace their father, he will give his life for them). This doesn't mean I am sacrificing my own happiness for ot her, but this is my happiness, leaving them or splitting it up will make me miserable in the long run.
I come from a little collectivist perspective, so it will not appeal to all but marriage is nothing about individualism I guess. I used to read here on TAM many years ago when we first started having problem and I should say that TAM used to be a great place to discover and heal marital problems. There were great members who gave sensitive, respectful and constructive feedbacks and solutions. Its a shame its not the same any more. Its evident from the number of viewers per section. I have seen up to 800 people viewing some sections before which has now dwindled down to less than 100. There are still great people here but I can see that they are not posting much for some reasons or are compelled to post what is generally accepted so as to be accepted and liked? I don't know! I am not sure if staying on here despite my busy schedule will benefit much but definitely there are some fun threads and interesting facts here for the fun and light hearted people.
Once again, thanks to some who have helped me see my own faults and the way to communicate with my H and find the underlying problems. That has greatly helped. I am confident that things will work out from now on and if it doesn't then I can leave knowing I did my best and did not give up so easily.
Put the internet to work for you.
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