You cannot say this out loud; all it will end in is yourself getting, metaphorically, beaten to the floor again. You will never have a valid point against him and you need to rapidly learn how to keep your mouth shut.
That's how it works here, as long as he is happy, and I am not voicing how I feel, then things will be fine. But where does that leave me? It leaves me heart broken, depressed, fragile, and emotional with the self-esteem of a mushy pea. I would do practically anything to not feel the way I do. Nothing I do will help, nothing I can say will help you to understand that this is not my own entire fault. My only option is to keep my mouth shut, lock away the anguish that I feel and try to bugger on through each second of every day with the fear and sadness that I carry around.
You say that you have done things to try and help me, although I can't help but feel that you haven't tried quite as much as you believe you have. Yes, you have spewed plenty of 'encouraging' and 'reassuring' words in my direction, however they have always come wrapped in a bundle of spite and bitterness that you feel towards me expressing my concerns. I have always felt that actions speak so much louder than words, and in your case it is spot on. Your actions do not mirror the words that you utter, I am so sick and tired of hearing insults thrown in my direction – I don't even believe that you recognise how often you have something negative to say and how little I hear any compliments from you. I don't want to be showered in confidence; I just want you to maybe notice that I have dyed my hair. I walked into the office at work and three of my male colleagues noticed within minutes that my hair had changed colour, yet the man I go to bed with every single night couldn't. It makes me feel numb inside.
You sit there, ranting on about how I need to change myself, in order to make you feel better. You fail to recognise that a large handful of the improvements need to come from yourself. You scream at me to get self-confidence, yet you knock me down with your thoughtful actions consistently. Where is my break? Where is my boost from a man that is supposed to love me? How is it fair that I must constantly be harassed and told how awful I am and how much I need to change whilst you paint yourself with a sparkling halo?
I by no means think that I am perfect; I do know that there are things I can do to change and improve. However, I will not make any changes for someone that fails to recognise and act upon their own faults. Boost me up; I am sick of polishing your ego with so little return.
All this being said, I will continue to do the only thing that I am allowed to do in order to keep the peace – keep my head down and my mouth shut.
Put the internet to work for you.
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