I'm not even sure where to start!
My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers, I've never slept with anyone else. We have 3 great children (all teenagers) and have been married for over 15 years. All was going well until social media came along.
Long, long story cut short, my wife got addicted to facebook and in particular to the attention she gets from various (normally younger) men who messaged her. She doesn't work and has plenty of time on her hands to accept the rather crude efforts of these men to be flirtatious. Unfortunately for her, a lot of these chats were rather easy for me to see, so I knew exactly what was going on.
Rather than stop when she thought I knew what was going on, this gave her a reason to justify doing it even more - hours upon hours in a week with the same 2-3 guys - "if you're going to spy on me, I'll give you something to spy on"! The reality was that however long I "gave up spying" and trusted her, she kept on doing it!! I didn't have to see it to know it was going on - the hours and hours of using her phone or sitting at her PC behind closed doors gave it away!
So - was/is that cheating? She was never crude or particularly sexual. She was essentially receiving the admiration of these crudely flirtatious guys who were happy to request photos of her so that they could justify sending some of their own! As far as I know she never sent anything other than what she would publicly post on social media anyway.
Another of the is "sexting" cheating posts you may think at this point - erm.......no, it gets worse!
So at this point in our lives, the kids not really kids anymore, her now-found confidence in her attractiveness thanks both to all of the male admiration flowing in her direction via facebook and reassurances from a growing circle of divorced/separated friends (were at that age), she also started to go out more.......and more.......and drink (both at home and when out).....and drink......and drink! The nights out became days out with nights in hotels with friends (3-4 a year) or even weekends out.
Initially, believe it or not, I could handle the days/nights out because she shared those experiences with me by telling me all about them when she got back. However, as I became (in her eyes) more and more judgmental of her friends behaviour - it was always a friend, never her - what I got told became less and less. I therefore found myself having to ask about what when on rather than just sitting there and listening to her. I obviously asked questions that made her uncomfortable - because she thought I'd be judgmental of some responses - she was right! So, those answers became either lies of very watered-down to such an extent that there was no point asking.
A better man than me, would have stopped asking, accept I'd never know and leave it, but that isn't me. I long for the days when we shared everything, when I was different - in her eyes -to other men - I could be told things, and as a result our relationship was special because of that bond that had been there forvever - we've spent all our adult life together and I don't see that as a bad thing. Now, our relationship is like any other bad one where the woman (who's 40) wants to be 21 and a single-hot-chick whilst the guy, who is 40, willingly accepts that he is 40 and just wants a quite life with a loving wife! She's not 21 and I've not got a loving wife - it sucks!!
And it continues to get worse.......
So, during there nights out she's obviously attracted that admiration of those guys who are willing to flirt face-to-face, not just via facebook. Some are the same guys, others are extra guys. Any admiration, as long as it's from a good looking guy, is obviously accepted, although when she get's home she strangely tells me that nobody woudl ever be interested in her when there are so many 20-something girls out there!
A few of these guys have kissed her, she's confessed - but only a kiss and only once. Various excuses are used, mistletoe, birthdays, good-night, etc (all of which are plausible, but trust me not everyone by a long stretch). I've dealt with that without a problem, but not when it's kept from me.
One guy in particular though keeps coming up and this is why I write. They've snogged (several times, but always discretly at the end of the night, in a dark alley or similar), she's been back to his place (but I'm sure that they didn't sleep together) and although I've told her what I think they've done, she'll only confess to one snog. Not confessing to going back to his place, not confessing to anymore than one snog.
To put it into context, this guy is single and loves it - he is a muscle-bound, healthy living, east-coast beach-apartment type of guy who is a woman's man if you see what I mean. Not a settle down with a ready-made family type-of-guy!!
So, on the basis she always comes home to me, hasn't slept with another guy since she's with me, tells me occasionally she loves me and is a great mother to our 3 boys, do I consider this cheating?
Couple of other notes, I'm sure that she is bi-polar or similar - nothing is EVER her fault, she is NEVER wrong and loves to embarrass me in front of people by telling them about my infidelity (of which there is nothing of note) and how **** and controlling a husband I've become.
I know that I'd be better off leaving, but can't. Don't ask me why, because I cannot answer, I just can't. I'm very low, but cannot do anything stupid because it would be wrong for the boys and those who care for me (a few friends, my parents and my boss who's really supportive).
So basically I want you to tell me it's not cheating, but........
THANKS FOR READING - IT MEANS A LOT.
My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers, I've never slept with anyone else. We have 3 great children (all teenagers) and have been married for over 15 years. All was going well until social media came along.
Long, long story cut short, my wife got addicted to facebook and in particular to the attention she gets from various (normally younger) men who messaged her. She doesn't work and has plenty of time on her hands to accept the rather crude efforts of these men to be flirtatious. Unfortunately for her, a lot of these chats were rather easy for me to see, so I knew exactly what was going on.
Rather than stop when she thought I knew what was going on, this gave her a reason to justify doing it even more - hours upon hours in a week with the same 2-3 guys - "if you're going to spy on me, I'll give you something to spy on"! The reality was that however long I "gave up spying" and trusted her, she kept on doing it!! I didn't have to see it to know it was going on - the hours and hours of using her phone or sitting at her PC behind closed doors gave it away!
So - was/is that cheating? She was never crude or particularly sexual. She was essentially receiving the admiration of these crudely flirtatious guys who were happy to request photos of her so that they could justify sending some of their own! As far as I know she never sent anything other than what she would publicly post on social media anyway.
Another of the is "sexting" cheating posts you may think at this point - erm.......no, it gets worse!
So at this point in our lives, the kids not really kids anymore, her now-found confidence in her attractiveness thanks both to all of the male admiration flowing in her direction via facebook and reassurances from a growing circle of divorced/separated friends (were at that age), she also started to go out more.......and more.......and drink (both at home and when out).....and drink......and drink! The nights out became days out with nights in hotels with friends (3-4 a year) or even weekends out.
Initially, believe it or not, I could handle the days/nights out because she shared those experiences with me by telling me all about them when she got back. However, as I became (in her eyes) more and more judgmental of her friends behaviour - it was always a friend, never her - what I got told became less and less. I therefore found myself having to ask about what when on rather than just sitting there and listening to her. I obviously asked questions that made her uncomfortable - because she thought I'd be judgmental of some responses - she was right! So, those answers became either lies of very watered-down to such an extent that there was no point asking.
A better man than me, would have stopped asking, accept I'd never know and leave it, but that isn't me. I long for the days when we shared everything, when I was different - in her eyes -to other men - I could be told things, and as a result our relationship was special because of that bond that had been there forvever - we've spent all our adult life together and I don't see that as a bad thing. Now, our relationship is like any other bad one where the woman (who's 40) wants to be 21 and a single-hot-chick whilst the guy, who is 40, willingly accepts that he is 40 and just wants a quite life with a loving wife! She's not 21 and I've not got a loving wife - it sucks!!
And it continues to get worse.......
So, during there nights out she's obviously attracted that admiration of those guys who are willing to flirt face-to-face, not just via facebook. Some are the same guys, others are extra guys. Any admiration, as long as it's from a good looking guy, is obviously accepted, although when she get's home she strangely tells me that nobody woudl ever be interested in her when there are so many 20-something girls out there!
A few of these guys have kissed her, she's confessed - but only a kiss and only once. Various excuses are used, mistletoe, birthdays, good-night, etc (all of which are plausible, but trust me not everyone by a long stretch). I've dealt with that without a problem, but not when it's kept from me.
One guy in particular though keeps coming up and this is why I write. They've snogged (several times, but always discretly at the end of the night, in a dark alley or similar), she's been back to his place (but I'm sure that they didn't sleep together) and although I've told her what I think they've done, she'll only confess to one snog. Not confessing to going back to his place, not confessing to anymore than one snog.
To put it into context, this guy is single and loves it - he is a muscle-bound, healthy living, east-coast beach-apartment type of guy who is a woman's man if you see what I mean. Not a settle down with a ready-made family type-of-guy!!
So, on the basis she always comes home to me, hasn't slept with another guy since she's with me, tells me occasionally she loves me and is a great mother to our 3 boys, do I consider this cheating?
Couple of other notes, I'm sure that she is bi-polar or similar - nothing is EVER her fault, she is NEVER wrong and loves to embarrass me in front of people by telling them about my infidelity (of which there is nothing of note) and how **** and controlling a husband I've become.
I know that I'd be better off leaving, but can't. Don't ask me why, because I cannot answer, I just can't. I'm very low, but cannot do anything stupid because it would be wrong for the boys and those who care for me (a few friends, my parents and my boss who's really supportive).
So basically I want you to tell me it's not cheating, but........
THANKS FOR READING - IT MEANS A LOT.
Put the internet to work for you.
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