Today will be the 1st day of our separation. After 24 years, my Wife has chosen to move out. Although she doesn't actually move out until tomorrow, i'm staying at my folks house tonight and tomorrow to give her the space to move.
I was surprised when she announced she was moving, a couple of weeks ago, but not entirely. Things haven't been good for a while. We had both shut down due to years of doing a bad job of understanding each other, and failing to learn 'a better way' of discussing contentious issues (kids, money, etc) and the various trust issues. None of which had to with any infidelity, to be clear. I've never strayed, and I am sure as any partner can ever be that she hasn't either.
We've had counselling before and it had helped, but the last time was several years ago, and i think perhaps we should taken it up again sooner.
As far as the separation goes, we have spent time to work out the ground rules. Separate accounts (except where we have joint debts to contribute toward), no affairs, respect of each others space (She'll call if she wants to come by, I asked not to know where she is), kids aren't an issue as they are both over 20 at this point and one moved out years ago.
I think it could be a good thing (or perhaps i'm just telling myself that!), as i feel i also need a chance to step back and re-evaluate myself and what i'm wanting.
I met her when i was travelling the world but still relatively 'young and dumb', so when this gorgeous woman knocked me off my feet i was happy to just go with the flow, and sure enough within a couple of months we were pregnant. I've been with her ever since, over half my life.
So, instead of wallowing in the 'why me?!' i'm taking this separation as a chance, an opportunity, to take a new, unveiled look at where i'm at and where i want to be.
I start counselling on Monday (not wasting any time). Not initially to discuss the marriage, but to help me figure out my head. I'm focusing on this first. Later i will look at the relationship. Hopefully by then she will be ready to do so too (she was totally against it when i suggested it recently, but seemed more receptive a bit later).
It did bother me somewhat when she told me the rental agreement was 12 months, and she didn't know if there was an early termination option. But i may be reading too much into it. It's early days, and this is going to be a long road, i shouldn't be looking for potholes yet.
I've read the '180' and will be applying it's principles. Especially when it comes to maintaining distance. As i said initially i won't be helping her move, i'll be out of the house for the day. I did get her boxes from work to pack her stuff into, and took the bedroom TV off the wall and put the feet back on it so they (Wife and younger kid) can use it. I don't sleep in that bed anymore anyway. But that's all i did, apart from that I've stepped back and tried to impose no constrictions.
I did let her know that this morning i would be just getting up and going to work (i'm in a different bedroom), but i wouldn't be saying goodbye. Not to ignore her, but because we'd both 'lose it' (as we have a few times in the last couple days). We've done a better job of discussing the separation than we have discussing anything else in a few years.
But that's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? Once you know what's coming, the fight just goes out of you. We've been quite calm with each other, and expressed ourselves in a less abrasive, incendiary way than we've been able to do for a while.
The last thing i did before going to bed last night was to briefly go into the room she was in (i'd been out by the firepit) and give her one (last?) kiss, the first one in a long time and then leave the room. No words, just an uncomplicated expression of how i felt.
I was surprised when she announced she was moving, a couple of weeks ago, but not entirely. Things haven't been good for a while. We had both shut down due to years of doing a bad job of understanding each other, and failing to learn 'a better way' of discussing contentious issues (kids, money, etc) and the various trust issues. None of which had to with any infidelity, to be clear. I've never strayed, and I am sure as any partner can ever be that she hasn't either.
We've had counselling before and it had helped, but the last time was several years ago, and i think perhaps we should taken it up again sooner.
As far as the separation goes, we have spent time to work out the ground rules. Separate accounts (except where we have joint debts to contribute toward), no affairs, respect of each others space (She'll call if she wants to come by, I asked not to know where she is), kids aren't an issue as they are both over 20 at this point and one moved out years ago.
I think it could be a good thing (or perhaps i'm just telling myself that!), as i feel i also need a chance to step back and re-evaluate myself and what i'm wanting.
I met her when i was travelling the world but still relatively 'young and dumb', so when this gorgeous woman knocked me off my feet i was happy to just go with the flow, and sure enough within a couple of months we were pregnant. I've been with her ever since, over half my life.
So, instead of wallowing in the 'why me?!' i'm taking this separation as a chance, an opportunity, to take a new, unveiled look at where i'm at and where i want to be.
I start counselling on Monday (not wasting any time). Not initially to discuss the marriage, but to help me figure out my head. I'm focusing on this first. Later i will look at the relationship. Hopefully by then she will be ready to do so too (she was totally against it when i suggested it recently, but seemed more receptive a bit later).
It did bother me somewhat when she told me the rental agreement was 12 months, and she didn't know if there was an early termination option. But i may be reading too much into it. It's early days, and this is going to be a long road, i shouldn't be looking for potholes yet.
I've read the '180' and will be applying it's principles. Especially when it comes to maintaining distance. As i said initially i won't be helping her move, i'll be out of the house for the day. I did get her boxes from work to pack her stuff into, and took the bedroom TV off the wall and put the feet back on it so they (Wife and younger kid) can use it. I don't sleep in that bed anymore anyway. But that's all i did, apart from that I've stepped back and tried to impose no constrictions.
I did let her know that this morning i would be just getting up and going to work (i'm in a different bedroom), but i wouldn't be saying goodbye. Not to ignore her, but because we'd both 'lose it' (as we have a few times in the last couple days). We've done a better job of discussing the separation than we have discussing anything else in a few years.
But that's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? Once you know what's coming, the fight just goes out of you. We've been quite calm with each other, and expressed ourselves in a less abrasive, incendiary way than we've been able to do for a while.
The last thing i did before going to bed last night was to briefly go into the room she was in (i'd been out by the firepit) and give her one (last?) kiss, the first one in a long time and then leave the room. No words, just an uncomplicated expression of how i felt.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment