hello everyone. i am new here but I am so glad I found this site.
my story is complicated, so i am sorry this might be too long but I really need objective advice.
i am 30, married for 6 yr. my h was my first lover, my first man, my first everything...we have been together for 12 yr. i moved to his place when i was only 21 (he is one yr older). it was a though road! I am the only child, so i was spoiled and used to have my mother to cook for me, to clean...I moved in with him believing that "it was about time" to settle. (how silly, I know). He insisted that I should go to live with him. Actually our relationship had to suffer because he always argued that i should live with him. well, at that moment it felt right, so i did move in with him. What followed was not exactly a fairytale.
He did nothing to help around the house. At first we fought about duties. I had to do everything and he did nothing. We both had to start working to support our self, but money were very tight as we were at our first job. So problems appeared very soon after i moved in with him. The fights were more and more often and got uglier and uglier. He started to call me names, to humiliate me (he ask me to leave his house like 100 times). I got angry too and I returned his name calling...than it happened, out of the blue, he slapped me. I was so angry, so lonely, so incredibly insecure and I forgave him. Scenes like that happened until I found out I was pregnant and I decided to keep the baby. Now we have a 5 yr boy. Our marriage (we got married after i gave birth) has gotten even worse. He still doesn't help me with anything, although we both are working 8h/day. He gambles from now and then, but blames me for spending irationally. I have to ask him if i want to buy clothes, shoes, whatever. He, on the other hand, can spend what he wants when he wants.
He is very controlling, he would not even let me join a gym class. He asks me where I am if i am 10 min late. He criticizes me all the time: cooking is not good, house is not clean, i am a bad mother and a bad wife etc.
Our sexual life is a catastrophe. Nothing is pleasing him anymore. I refuse to take birth control pills and he hates condoms (I don't want another baby). He wants bjs, more often than we make love. He has an issue with these bjs, he is obsessed. He wants them almost daily. I try to compromise so he gets his bjs like 3-4 times/week. Now he complains that I don't swallow. I am not comfortable with this and I told him, but he doesn't listen to me. He says it's my duty as a wife and i should satisfy him or else he will go to other women. When I refuse to give him bjs he usually gets mad, refuses to communicate about our daily duties, he refuses to help me. He says that he cannot be a good father because of me and that i want to tear this family apart. He says a lot of hurtful things, threatens me, he gets in my face and yells and curse and spits on me. These dramatic episodes are now very often- like 2-3 times/week. He hits me sometimes, but really not that bad to leave bruises. He tells me to leave his house like every two days. When I tried to talk to him, to ask him why he is the way he is he tells me that he is not happy, that i don't satisfy him, that i don't clean/cook enough, that always start the fights. It is all my fault. He blames me for everything. He says he has done "little mistakes" because he is human, but I am the one who is to blame for all the scandals.
I feel lost and lonely. Actually I feel depressed and i wonder what can I do. I really don't know what to do. At this point i can honestly say that I don't know if I love him anymore or I am afraid of him. Or afraid of a life without him. I am afraid, anxious at the thought that at an age when all my friends get married my marriage is falling apart. It is such a sharp pain that I feel it with all my body. Please, please let me know what do you think about my situation. As I wrote above, he is the first man in my life, I don't know, maybe I should be more open to his demands...I don't know. Thank you all!
my story is complicated, so i am sorry this might be too long but I really need objective advice.
i am 30, married for 6 yr. my h was my first lover, my first man, my first everything...we have been together for 12 yr. i moved to his place when i was only 21 (he is one yr older). it was a though road! I am the only child, so i was spoiled and used to have my mother to cook for me, to clean...I moved in with him believing that "it was about time" to settle. (how silly, I know). He insisted that I should go to live with him. Actually our relationship had to suffer because he always argued that i should live with him. well, at that moment it felt right, so i did move in with him. What followed was not exactly a fairytale.
He did nothing to help around the house. At first we fought about duties. I had to do everything and he did nothing. We both had to start working to support our self, but money were very tight as we were at our first job. So problems appeared very soon after i moved in with him. The fights were more and more often and got uglier and uglier. He started to call me names, to humiliate me (he ask me to leave his house like 100 times). I got angry too and I returned his name calling...than it happened, out of the blue, he slapped me. I was so angry, so lonely, so incredibly insecure and I forgave him. Scenes like that happened until I found out I was pregnant and I decided to keep the baby. Now we have a 5 yr boy. Our marriage (we got married after i gave birth) has gotten even worse. He still doesn't help me with anything, although we both are working 8h/day. He gambles from now and then, but blames me for spending irationally. I have to ask him if i want to buy clothes, shoes, whatever. He, on the other hand, can spend what he wants when he wants.
He is very controlling, he would not even let me join a gym class. He asks me where I am if i am 10 min late. He criticizes me all the time: cooking is not good, house is not clean, i am a bad mother and a bad wife etc.
Our sexual life is a catastrophe. Nothing is pleasing him anymore. I refuse to take birth control pills and he hates condoms (I don't want another baby). He wants bjs, more often than we make love. He has an issue with these bjs, he is obsessed. He wants them almost daily. I try to compromise so he gets his bjs like 3-4 times/week. Now he complains that I don't swallow. I am not comfortable with this and I told him, but he doesn't listen to me. He says it's my duty as a wife and i should satisfy him or else he will go to other women. When I refuse to give him bjs he usually gets mad, refuses to communicate about our daily duties, he refuses to help me. He says that he cannot be a good father because of me and that i want to tear this family apart. He says a lot of hurtful things, threatens me, he gets in my face and yells and curse and spits on me. These dramatic episodes are now very often- like 2-3 times/week. He hits me sometimes, but really not that bad to leave bruises. He tells me to leave his house like every two days. When I tried to talk to him, to ask him why he is the way he is he tells me that he is not happy, that i don't satisfy him, that i don't clean/cook enough, that always start the fights. It is all my fault. He blames me for everything. He says he has done "little mistakes" because he is human, but I am the one who is to blame for all the scandals.
I feel lost and lonely. Actually I feel depressed and i wonder what can I do. I really don't know what to do. At this point i can honestly say that I don't know if I love him anymore or I am afraid of him. Or afraid of a life without him. I am afraid, anxious at the thought that at an age when all my friends get married my marriage is falling apart. It is such a sharp pain that I feel it with all my body. Please, please let me know what do you think about my situation. As I wrote above, he is the first man in my life, I don't know, maybe I should be more open to his demands...I don't know. Thank you all!
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