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I keep realising I care about someone in retrospect

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And that I am in my own world and push them away. There's something detached and intelllectual about me, I dream, but don;t see what's under my nose. Now it becomes apparent that I am too wrapped up in my own world and not having my life enriched by good relationships. There's another issue that comes into it too, by desire to be in a good relationship and finding someone good company, interesting and attractive, versus my knowledge that it may inevitably lead to having a child and that my youth and freedom will be taken away from me. Without going on too long, let's say I've had a difficult adolescence and oyoung adulthood, and I'm not ready for all that, I need to find peace of mind, fulfill myself and experience, fun, support and a loving relationships, I know it's corny but I really have missed out. I know this is kid of vague, I'm not in grteat distress but I just am at a juncture feeling perplexed. I am glad I am still free and feel really down about the pro spect of having a kid, glad I never got trapped in it. So I want fulfilling relationshops but no kid, I want stimulation, good company, intimacy, but no kid.
I have passed up quite a few opportunities, a couple of which have been very attractive to me and people I really liked, but I just feared the having kids thing in some weird way. It's almost like I just assume it's a natural consequence. I've never enjoyed a good relationship, been close to someone, and just used condoms and summed I can avoid the temptation or getting roped into have a kid. CAn anyone help with these issues since a lot of people have looked at me and found it very odd I've nevr had girlfriends.

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