I could say that I never thought I would end up here, Coping with Infidelity, but then - I would be lying to you, and to myself. I suppose the most logical first step would be providing you with some background information. I've been married for one year out of a three year relationship. My husband is mid-thirties and I am mid-twenties. We have one child together, one on the way, and I have a child from a previous relationship (although my husband has raised her from the time she was a year old, and she has never known another father). So, all in all, we will soon have three children together.
When I met my husband, he had been "the bachelor" for a decade, and I say THE bachelor because we live in a small town, and he has always been the older, good looking, unmarried teacher that everyone knows. I have known him for eight years now, but hadn't thought twice about him during the first five. Then, three years ago, I found him on Match.com. I had just joined that day, and he was one of the suggested matches that appeared for me. I didn't pursue anything, and had in truth just joined the site to kind of see what it was all about, and wasn't planning to take it seriously - I didn't like the notion of meeting strangers. However, he must have also come across me on Match, because later that same week, he found me on Facebook and sent me a message - asking how things were going with me these days. We got to talking, for hours, about politics, sports, life and love, and wound up deciding to meet up for casual conversation in person the following week. Well, the rest is his tory. The date-that-wasn't-a-date, as we coined it, was the beginning of our forever.
The first year of our relationship was tough for me. He had a lot of connections with former girlfriends and lovers, that I was just uncomfortable with. I did realize that the beginning of a relationship isn't the time to be setting guidelines that restrict the other person's behavior. I began by leading by example, removing old flames from Facebook, discontinuing any kind of conversations or relationships that I didn't think were fair to my partner, and explaining to male friends who would often make comments and passes, that it was no longer appropriate. That didn't work, although he was clearly grateful, he didn't award the same respect. Instead, six months in, I discovered he was being entirely inappropriate. The way certain messages and texts read, it appeared that he was leaving some options on the back burner - giving them just enough attention, compliments and conversation to keep the door open with former flings and random women. At this point, I gently asked who the se people were, why he kept in contact with them, and said it made me uncomfortable. Nothing changed. After that, any conversation we would have about it would turn volatile in a hurry. It was like he just COULDN'T let go of his past. A year in, I told him I wouldn't be in a relationship that was one sided in terms of full commitment and respect. Although it wasn't meant to be an ultimatum, it worked as one, and he reluctantly stopped contact. Or so I thought.
Unfortunately for me, I trusted him, and didn't worry about it any further. He proposed to me the fall after our one year anniversary, six months removed from any known issues, and I said yes. We planned a wedding for the following Fall. About six weeks before the big day, I went to a wine tasting with my future sister in law to make selections for the wedding. While I was away (our location was 2 hours from home) he had exchanged texts with one of 2 women I had grown to hate out of the group of them. The content exchanged was how they never stop missing each other, he in fact told her he realized he would miss her every day, and she tore apart marriage as being society's way of validating a relationship and putting bounds on love, she asked him if he struggled to remain faithful, and he told her he did. I was, naturally, distraught. Not only did you contact this person you'd sworn off, the things you said were unforgivable. The conversation also made it clear they had been i n touch throughout the year and a half I was promised they had not. I almost called off the wedding, to which he responded that he just had cold feet, and he was being stupid, and he was sorry, and it wasn't like he'd cheated on me. I told him if he ever spoke to her again, married or not, we were over, and continued planning.
Three weeks later, and three weeks away from our wedding day, I was home one day while he was at work, and just got a bad feeling - I can't explain it. So, (being the tech savvy person I am) I hacked into his phone's database. Sure enough, he was exchanging messages with a number not saved in his phone. And here is where my heart shatters into a million jagged pieces. He initiated the text with "Hey beautiful" and I knew it was going to be bad. He told her he missed her, what he missed about her, and apologized for "last time". To which she said she liked hot, kinky, intimate sex and that wasn't what they had. He replied that he liked that too, and wanted that kind of experience, and to not "where the rubber" but he didn't know if he was safe to do so. She told him she didn't feel they were sexually compatible, complained that he wouldn't L her P, and that they could go out again, but she wouldn't be comfortable having sex this time.
When he got home, he tried to lie, as always. So, I sent a message to the number - telling her I was his fiance, and that if she had any decency, she wouldn't let another woman marry a man if there was something going on. She immediately called me, and had no idea I even existed. She told me he took her out for drinks and then they got a hotel, all while I was working and at school all day getting my Master's. I packed my things in silent shock - the first stage, and then went through the second - rage. I told him he was an Fing this, and an Fing that, a liar and a cheater, etc. But it wasn't until I came downstairs with a moving box of clothes and essentials for both myself, and my daughter, that he reacted. He wept, begged me to please stay, told me that he would do anything. We could postpone the wedding, he would change his number, he would block anyone I wasn't comfortable with from his email and call lists, I could have passwords to all of his accounts, we could do coun seling, he would put an app on his phone that sent a copy of all of his calls and texts to mine, he would stay in the guest room, he would go to work and come directly home and do nothing else for as long as I needed, etc. Eventually, I agreed.
I forced him to give me play-by-play details, what she looked like, how he knew her, what he wore, what they did, how he felt, everything. I needed to know his dirty secrets, so they wouldn't be THEIRS anymore. We cancelled our bachelor and bachelorette parties, but still got married, and I WAS happy on that day. God, I love this man, so much so I am blinded by it - I think. I also think I was still in shock, because it wasn't until a few weeks after the wedding, that I feel into a deep depression. I hated him. I hated everyone. I didn't do anything or go anywhere. I cried daily. This stage finally stopped about 2 months ago.
Which brings us to now. I was looking through old messages, searching for something for a legal case totally unrelated, and found an odd text from the same day he'd texted the "other woman" and I'd found out about the initial infidelity. I'd overlooked it last year, because I was good and distracted with the other. This text just said "tomoro good?" to which he responded "can I see a pic of your friend?" Weird, right? So, I looked up the number....and found it linked to a Call Girl/Escort website and a seedy Massage Parlor. I began to hyperventilate, our daughter was asleep upstairs and due to go to Grandma's for two days the following day, and I knew this would get bad, so I left my laptop screen open to what I had found, sat it on the couch next to him, and went upstairs to bed. We didn't speak, he came in hours later and asked me something sweetly, but I ignored him and fell asleep. After our daughter was gone the following day, I confronted him about it after work. First he promised me he'd never had any sort of physical contact, that he knew her outside her business as a person/acquaintance. I didn't buy it. Eventually, after hours of prodding, begging, and finally crying - he told me the truth - that he used to see her at her home, and pay her for manual sex.
Now, I am back at square one. He knew I wouldn't have forgiven this and stayed, which is why he never told me. I now have doubts about everything he ever told me having to do with infidelity, when I had previously thought I had the full picture with all the details. I am angry, disgusted, appalled, shocked, sad, and indescribably hurt.
I guess I just needed to finally get that off my chest, as no one else knows about this - I am a private person, and could really use advice and insight.
When I met my husband, he had been "the bachelor" for a decade, and I say THE bachelor because we live in a small town, and he has always been the older, good looking, unmarried teacher that everyone knows. I have known him for eight years now, but hadn't thought twice about him during the first five. Then, three years ago, I found him on Match.com. I had just joined that day, and he was one of the suggested matches that appeared for me. I didn't pursue anything, and had in truth just joined the site to kind of see what it was all about, and wasn't planning to take it seriously - I didn't like the notion of meeting strangers. However, he must have also come across me on Match, because later that same week, he found me on Facebook and sent me a message - asking how things were going with me these days. We got to talking, for hours, about politics, sports, life and love, and wound up deciding to meet up for casual conversation in person the following week. Well, the rest is his tory. The date-that-wasn't-a-date, as we coined it, was the beginning of our forever.
The first year of our relationship was tough for me. He had a lot of connections with former girlfriends and lovers, that I was just uncomfortable with. I did realize that the beginning of a relationship isn't the time to be setting guidelines that restrict the other person's behavior. I began by leading by example, removing old flames from Facebook, discontinuing any kind of conversations or relationships that I didn't think were fair to my partner, and explaining to male friends who would often make comments and passes, that it was no longer appropriate. That didn't work, although he was clearly grateful, he didn't award the same respect. Instead, six months in, I discovered he was being entirely inappropriate. The way certain messages and texts read, it appeared that he was leaving some options on the back burner - giving them just enough attention, compliments and conversation to keep the door open with former flings and random women. At this point, I gently asked who the se people were, why he kept in contact with them, and said it made me uncomfortable. Nothing changed. After that, any conversation we would have about it would turn volatile in a hurry. It was like he just COULDN'T let go of his past. A year in, I told him I wouldn't be in a relationship that was one sided in terms of full commitment and respect. Although it wasn't meant to be an ultimatum, it worked as one, and he reluctantly stopped contact. Or so I thought.
Unfortunately for me, I trusted him, and didn't worry about it any further. He proposed to me the fall after our one year anniversary, six months removed from any known issues, and I said yes. We planned a wedding for the following Fall. About six weeks before the big day, I went to a wine tasting with my future sister in law to make selections for the wedding. While I was away (our location was 2 hours from home) he had exchanged texts with one of 2 women I had grown to hate out of the group of them. The content exchanged was how they never stop missing each other, he in fact told her he realized he would miss her every day, and she tore apart marriage as being society's way of validating a relationship and putting bounds on love, she asked him if he struggled to remain faithful, and he told her he did. I was, naturally, distraught. Not only did you contact this person you'd sworn off, the things you said were unforgivable. The conversation also made it clear they had been i n touch throughout the year and a half I was promised they had not. I almost called off the wedding, to which he responded that he just had cold feet, and he was being stupid, and he was sorry, and it wasn't like he'd cheated on me. I told him if he ever spoke to her again, married or not, we were over, and continued planning.
Three weeks later, and three weeks away from our wedding day, I was home one day while he was at work, and just got a bad feeling - I can't explain it. So, (being the tech savvy person I am) I hacked into his phone's database. Sure enough, he was exchanging messages with a number not saved in his phone. And here is where my heart shatters into a million jagged pieces. He initiated the text with "Hey beautiful" and I knew it was going to be bad. He told her he missed her, what he missed about her, and apologized for "last time". To which she said she liked hot, kinky, intimate sex and that wasn't what they had. He replied that he liked that too, and wanted that kind of experience, and to not "where the rubber" but he didn't know if he was safe to do so. She told him she didn't feel they were sexually compatible, complained that he wouldn't L her P, and that they could go out again, but she wouldn't be comfortable having sex this time.
When he got home, he tried to lie, as always. So, I sent a message to the number - telling her I was his fiance, and that if she had any decency, she wouldn't let another woman marry a man if there was something going on. She immediately called me, and had no idea I even existed. She told me he took her out for drinks and then they got a hotel, all while I was working and at school all day getting my Master's. I packed my things in silent shock - the first stage, and then went through the second - rage. I told him he was an Fing this, and an Fing that, a liar and a cheater, etc. But it wasn't until I came downstairs with a moving box of clothes and essentials for both myself, and my daughter, that he reacted. He wept, begged me to please stay, told me that he would do anything. We could postpone the wedding, he would change his number, he would block anyone I wasn't comfortable with from his email and call lists, I could have passwords to all of his accounts, we could do coun seling, he would put an app on his phone that sent a copy of all of his calls and texts to mine, he would stay in the guest room, he would go to work and come directly home and do nothing else for as long as I needed, etc. Eventually, I agreed.
I forced him to give me play-by-play details, what she looked like, how he knew her, what he wore, what they did, how he felt, everything. I needed to know his dirty secrets, so they wouldn't be THEIRS anymore. We cancelled our bachelor and bachelorette parties, but still got married, and I WAS happy on that day. God, I love this man, so much so I am blinded by it - I think. I also think I was still in shock, because it wasn't until a few weeks after the wedding, that I feel into a deep depression. I hated him. I hated everyone. I didn't do anything or go anywhere. I cried daily. This stage finally stopped about 2 months ago.
Which brings us to now. I was looking through old messages, searching for something for a legal case totally unrelated, and found an odd text from the same day he'd texted the "other woman" and I'd found out about the initial infidelity. I'd overlooked it last year, because I was good and distracted with the other. This text just said "tomoro good?" to which he responded "can I see a pic of your friend?" Weird, right? So, I looked up the number....and found it linked to a Call Girl/Escort website and a seedy Massage Parlor. I began to hyperventilate, our daughter was asleep upstairs and due to go to Grandma's for two days the following day, and I knew this would get bad, so I left my laptop screen open to what I had found, sat it on the couch next to him, and went upstairs to bed. We didn't speak, he came in hours later and asked me something sweetly, but I ignored him and fell asleep. After our daughter was gone the following day, I confronted him about it after work. First he promised me he'd never had any sort of physical contact, that he knew her outside her business as a person/acquaintance. I didn't buy it. Eventually, after hours of prodding, begging, and finally crying - he told me the truth - that he used to see her at her home, and pay her for manual sex.
Now, I am back at square one. He knew I wouldn't have forgiven this and stayed, which is why he never told me. I now have doubts about everything he ever told me having to do with infidelity, when I had previously thought I had the full picture with all the details. I am angry, disgusted, appalled, shocked, sad, and indescribably hurt.
I guess I just needed to finally get that off my chest, as no one else knows about this - I am a private person, and could really use advice and insight.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment