Hi, I'm new here but I wanted some advice.
I and my husband have been together for 11 years. We met online and we had a long distance relationship for two years since I was still in school. I moved to the UK to be with him after that. It is a second marriage for both of us.
He has always been so sweet, supportive and generous. I felt like we had the very best marriage in the world. We were both very happy. Two years ago, he retired early and we moved to Canada.
That was a huge mistake. I had to leave all the friends I had made there, and a job that had given me financial independence and a little social status. That was very important to me after being a stay at home mom for all my adult life, not being able to follow my interests into a career. I loved living in the UK.
We retired to Canada because he wanted to live here, and I am a citizen, although neither of us had ever spent time there. But we took a chance and moved.
Turns out though, that even though we have an (to me) enormous amount of money in savings, and a good pension every month, he decided to go back to work. He is now working two weeks out of four and is absent from me in that time. He claims he hates working, but does so anyway. This was originally meant o be for a year or maybe two. Now that the two years is up, he's now talking as if it will keep going for as long as the companies will have him. It could be a long time since he is very good at his job. I spend those two weeks alone in my house, pet sitting. It's not unusual for me to not talk or see anyone during that time. He insists on keeping the pets.
The place we moved to is also been a problem. It is very isolated and the people are not the kind I could make friends with. It is a beautiful place, but there is no work, and nothing to do, it takes 2.5 hours to get to the grocery store! I basically live out in the woods. I thought we would buy a boat and explore this grand and beautiful place. I thought we would spend lots of time together and have lots of fun. But he changed the rules of the game even before we had landed at our new house. He doesn't want to live anywhere else, although he would move to a town if I insisted. But frankly, I wouldn't know where to go since I know nothing about Canada, or it's towns. It would have to be near the sea for him, and the costs of going closer to civilisation would mean another $200,000 for the same sort of house we have now. And with him being gone so much, there is no chance of looking around. Travelling is the last thing he wants to do when at home.
It's been two years now, and I am deep into depression that I am unable to climb out of without some major changes. I need to be able to work ( my son is out of the house) and I need to have friends. I need a life. It has seriously eroded the relationship, as my husband is angry at me for not being happy with the way things are. He hates that we spent all that money to move and that I am complaining and depressed all the time. He says I'm am ungrateful, immature, and selfish. And besides, he's perfectly happy not seeing another soul whilst at home, because he hates working and hates people in general, and he hates anything to do with "the human world".
All of this, expect not liking his job( which he does not do anymore) is a complete new thing. He's never acted like this before.
It makes me feel like our time together was a lie.We used to travel, and do lots of things together. Eat out, go to shows, see historical events and places. There was lots of sex, and affection, most of which has disappeared. He's very different now.
He has been recruited by a big company in the UK. He tells me he doesn't want to work any more than he is now. They have a very extensive interview process and he has jumped through all their hoops. They have asked him several times if he is truly interested in the position. They don't want to go to the expense and bother if he's just going to turn it down anyway. It's the sort of company that if you get as far as he has in the process, the jobs already his. They just have to agree on compensation. They are talking about a three year contract.
If he joined this company it would mean working full time, in the UK. It would mean they move us back. It would mean that I get to reset my life and work or go to school, be back near my friends, and his family (all of which are there). It means we can have a normal life again. We are in our fifties, so just barely retirement age.
I see this as a way to reboot our lives after the mistake we made by moving to a place we have no connection to whatsoever. A place that has been terrible for me and our marriage.
I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I don't want him to be unhappy, ( that's how I got into this horrible place to begin with). But I also don't understand the disconnect between his behaviour and his words.
Since I have been seriously thinking about ending the marriage because of all of this, it is a very serious problem. I wonder, if after the two years, the confusion, the talking and talking and talking.... If I should just give up being a good wife and push him to take the job. I'm reluctant to push him into anything, but he just is acting so confusing. And in the meantime I am sinking lower and lower.
I want us to be good together again, like we used to be. This won't happen if we stay in the woods.
So: should I just be quiet, and let him choose, be the selfless good wife,
Or speak up and do whatever I can to get him to say yes, and let the chips fall where they will after we go home?
I love him very much, but they way things are now is killing me.
I and my husband have been together for 11 years. We met online and we had a long distance relationship for two years since I was still in school. I moved to the UK to be with him after that. It is a second marriage for both of us.
He has always been so sweet, supportive and generous. I felt like we had the very best marriage in the world. We were both very happy. Two years ago, he retired early and we moved to Canada.
That was a huge mistake. I had to leave all the friends I had made there, and a job that had given me financial independence and a little social status. That was very important to me after being a stay at home mom for all my adult life, not being able to follow my interests into a career. I loved living in the UK.
We retired to Canada because he wanted to live here, and I am a citizen, although neither of us had ever spent time there. But we took a chance and moved.
Turns out though, that even though we have an (to me) enormous amount of money in savings, and a good pension every month, he decided to go back to work. He is now working two weeks out of four and is absent from me in that time. He claims he hates working, but does so anyway. This was originally meant o be for a year or maybe two. Now that the two years is up, he's now talking as if it will keep going for as long as the companies will have him. It could be a long time since he is very good at his job. I spend those two weeks alone in my house, pet sitting. It's not unusual for me to not talk or see anyone during that time. He insists on keeping the pets.
The place we moved to is also been a problem. It is very isolated and the people are not the kind I could make friends with. It is a beautiful place, but there is no work, and nothing to do, it takes 2.5 hours to get to the grocery store! I basically live out in the woods. I thought we would buy a boat and explore this grand and beautiful place. I thought we would spend lots of time together and have lots of fun. But he changed the rules of the game even before we had landed at our new house. He doesn't want to live anywhere else, although he would move to a town if I insisted. But frankly, I wouldn't know where to go since I know nothing about Canada, or it's towns. It would have to be near the sea for him, and the costs of going closer to civilisation would mean another $200,000 for the same sort of house we have now. And with him being gone so much, there is no chance of looking around. Travelling is the last thing he wants to do when at home.
It's been two years now, and I am deep into depression that I am unable to climb out of without some major changes. I need to be able to work ( my son is out of the house) and I need to have friends. I need a life. It has seriously eroded the relationship, as my husband is angry at me for not being happy with the way things are. He hates that we spent all that money to move and that I am complaining and depressed all the time. He says I'm am ungrateful, immature, and selfish. And besides, he's perfectly happy not seeing another soul whilst at home, because he hates working and hates people in general, and he hates anything to do with "the human world".
All of this, expect not liking his job( which he does not do anymore) is a complete new thing. He's never acted like this before.
It makes me feel like our time together was a lie.We used to travel, and do lots of things together. Eat out, go to shows, see historical events and places. There was lots of sex, and affection, most of which has disappeared. He's very different now.
He has been recruited by a big company in the UK. He tells me he doesn't want to work any more than he is now. They have a very extensive interview process and he has jumped through all their hoops. They have asked him several times if he is truly interested in the position. They don't want to go to the expense and bother if he's just going to turn it down anyway. It's the sort of company that if you get as far as he has in the process, the jobs already his. They just have to agree on compensation. They are talking about a three year contract.
If he joined this company it would mean working full time, in the UK. It would mean they move us back. It would mean that I get to reset my life and work or go to school, be back near my friends, and his family (all of which are there). It means we can have a normal life again. We are in our fifties, so just barely retirement age.
I see this as a way to reboot our lives after the mistake we made by moving to a place we have no connection to whatsoever. A place that has been terrible for me and our marriage.
I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I don't want him to be unhappy, ( that's how I got into this horrible place to begin with). But I also don't understand the disconnect between his behaviour and his words.
Since I have been seriously thinking about ending the marriage because of all of this, it is a very serious problem. I wonder, if after the two years, the confusion, the talking and talking and talking.... If I should just give up being a good wife and push him to take the job. I'm reluctant to push him into anything, but he just is acting so confusing. And in the meantime I am sinking lower and lower.
I want us to be good together again, like we used to be. This won't happen if we stay in the woods.
So: should I just be quiet, and let him choose, be the selfless good wife,
Or speak up and do whatever I can to get him to say yes, and let the chips fall where they will after we go home?
I love him very much, but they way things are now is killing me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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