(I know this is long but I'd really appreciate your advice!!!!!) I just want to put a disclaimer out there that I'm not anywhere near as bothered by this today as I once was but I feel that it has subconsciously affected how I respond to guys now. As any life experience would. Is it possible?
As depressing as this once was, in year 9/10/11 I used to talk to a guy on the phone for a few hours every now and then. We used to talk on MSN every single day without fail after school (oh yes- and I used to do the online/offline give-me-attention thing lmao). He would be really nice but abruptly leave conversations every time. Then he'd randomly say he was going to call me to "talk". This used to make me extremely happy and we'd talk for a while. His friend would be in the background sometimes and I felt like I was being played almost. I just had an inkling that I was being taken for a ride. A prank. *Let her think I like her hahaha* kind of thing. I wasn't very popular or as pretty as I am now (dare I say- groomed) so I came to the eventual realisation that he and the rest of them were taking the piss out of me. I backed off completely in year 11. I heard a snigger directed at me in the background once and my blood ran cold. Sounds dumb but it really bothered me.
Later in the year, his friends would talk to me in lessons and be generally nice. I felt like they were trying to drag me back into the joke. One girl told me that another girl and the guy I was talking to were "getting close". This pretty much let me know that he can't have been serious about me. I was ugly, she was pretty. However, he kept persisting and I was pulled back into it. He was really nice to me and I'd never had attention from a guy before. Plus, I felt I was being a bit too hasty.
His friend kept telling me that the guy liked me and that I should tell him if I liked him. As juvenile as I was, I fell for it and told him that I liked him. He told me he didn't feel the same way. I was crushed. I mean, crushed. I cried the whole night and was so humiliated. I had to go into school and face everyone despite the rejection. I never spoke to him again. So now, at 21 years of age, I still think any guy who shows me any kind of attention is taking the piss. If a guy talks to me out of nowhere, I assume it's out of boredom. If a guy asks for my number I always have a thought in the back of my head that it's a big joke. I'm told that I'm attractive and I honestly feel it (at times). However, being the ugly girl and turning to a pretty one later in life is horrible. It's like I'm still ugly on the inside at times (in my own head) but guys see something else.
I did get a confidence boost when I saw him and his friend out shopping last year. His friend said "Jesus Christ!", gave me hug and the guy looked surprised and kind of taken aback. But, it makes me feel so stupid that I needed his reaction to my appearance to feel better about myself.
This experience has stopped me from accepting coffee dates at uni or allowing guys to be nice to me. The first time in my life that I was given attention by a guy was a big joke. How the hell do I get over this?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment