I've been following many of the online forums for victims of infidelity for about 6 weeks now but I thought I'd finally post my story, seek advice, and see if anyone has a story of hope for someone in my situation.
I have known my wife for 24 years, since we were 14. We moved on from good friends and began dating when we were 19 and married after both of us completed our college degrees at just age 24. Both of us come from stable two parent homes and my wife is described by everyone including me as being a loving, stable as rock friend and lover who you would consider a bedrock of ethical and moral strength.
For the first 5 years of marriage everything was beyond wonderful. We both worked full time in fulfilling careers, mine in the travel industry which took me on the road 2 to 3 nights a week. It didn't matter because we traveled the world and enjoyed our time together every moment we could. When our first child, a daughter, came along we were overjoyed. My wife went part-time and we reveled in our child but things did change. Our focus was on our kid and less on us. It seemed natural because we were both so in love with her but for me it also felt a bit sad since of course there was less time for us than before. We had very little support from family to lean on for a variety of reasons and neither of us wanted to use babysitters etc. so our life became our little family, 100% of the time. My wife and I never stopped talking, we told each other we loved each other daily, still were sleeping together several times a week (but it did get routine) and spent hours every night talking about our day and our little girl, but not so much us. After about 7 years of marriage (2 years after my daughter was born) we both decided to try for another child but then one night I accidentally saw my wife had left open a web browser of her email and there was a very mildly flirty email from a colleague at her work commenting on how sad he was to see her walk away from the room they were in a work but "the view was good". I was disturbed and so looked for more emails and found exactly one, one in which my wife told him the time it was "safe" for him to call when I would be out of town on work. I then went to our cellphone bills and saw indeed for about 2 months she was calling this guy several times a week, usually on her way to work in the morning, but sometimes at night when I was away. I immediately confronted her and she confessed immediately to an inappropriate close friend relationship to this man and said they confided in each other their concerns/troubles etc. and she knew I wouldn't like it so she concealed it. I pushed more and she admitted that she knew he was attracted to her and had once tried to kiss her but that she never went there but liked the attention and it made her feel good to have someone else "like" her. Her "concerns" were basically feeling overwhelmed with a 2 year-old and feeling unattractive and getting older (my wife is beautiful and super-fit.) I briefly contacted the man and told him never to speak to my wife again (he was unhappily married with kids) and he readily agreed. I left for a day in anger and when I got home she was on her knees begging. She immediately quit her job without even going back and never contacted the man again and believe me I was looking. Within a month I viewed what happened as a "close call" that was totally out of character with the woman I loved and reasoned nothing else happened as simply my wife had no time for anything worse, she literally was never alone without our child except at work. Our marriage seemed to go back to a comfortable and loving normal.
A year later we welcomed our second child, our son. Again we were overjoyed. My wife had already found a similar new job but now worked even less, 2 days a week, just 16 hours a week. It didn't matter because my career (which forever takes me on the road 3-4 days a week but leaves me off the other 3-4 days) was flourishing and I was making great money. We built a beautiful new and huge home from scratch and went about raising our family. My wife and I remained happy and close taking vacation after vacation with our children and attending to their every need. Private school, religious based education, sports you name it all continued for the next 6 1/2 years and I was happy in my marriage. My wife still fell asleep in my arms every night, had her every request met, and we still talked for hours each day about our days and mostly about the kids. I still felt like we lacked quality couple time and in the last 9 years since our first child was born we only "got away" for a night from the children perhaps 5-6 times (including one 4 day stint for our 10 year anniversary) which made me a bit sad but I always just felt it was our circumstance and the nature of the "phase" of our life. My wife in recent years did seem to getting more distant from me, in particular when I was on the road, seldom having much to say to me on our phone calls etc. and often acting passive aggressive towards me for small injustices she felt I had caused such as failing to clean up a room while she was at work, or if I failed to help her with the kids bath-time one night but mind you I have always contributed majorly to the family, worked my ASSOFF on the road to provide for my families every need and was the ultimate homebody running straight to my wife and kids at all times sacrificing friends and hobbies. During these years we still were having sex twice a week (she instigated 50% of the time, always seemed satisfied and never rejected me even once) but it was in hindsight still a bit too routine as seen by the occasional more passionate night.
All this leads me to 6 1/2 weeks ago when my life ended. Nearly 14 years into our marriage I tried to contact my wife while I was at work and had a schedule change. I was unable to reach her and when I used "find my friends" on my iPhone to look it said her location was unavailable. I couldn't reach her for 4 hours. Finally she "reappeared" and told me she had dropped the kids off at her mother's and had gone shopping. All those fears from 7 years ago came back. When I got home I checked the phone bill and found the same number over and over for as far back as records go. The calls were always when I was on the road or when I was home and having gone for a run. Usually about 2-4 a week, 5-20 minutes a shot. No text messages I could find by iMessages leaves no records. My wife locks her phone with the same password as mine and I searched it and found no evidence of anything but no evidence of a contact associated with the number she was calling. I paid to get who the phone belonged to and found it was a male colleague of hers and I prayed I was wrong but checking Facebook I discovered he was her "friend" but his wife (of course he was married with 4 kids) was not. Some more searching turned up a single message from 8 months back that was from my wife to him saying "please remember to delete all your calls and emails, no messages pls, I'm paranoid."
That was enough for me so I confronted her and she briefly tried to imply it was a "inappropriate" friendship again but I called bull**** on that and left. In text messages over the next few hours she admited she was sleeping with the guy when I was gone, was completely sorry, would break it off instantly, quit her job and do whatever else I asked of her etc. She confessed it was for a year and they only slept together 3 times but had grown to be "good friends" but neither ever intended to leave their spouses, just it felt good to "be wanted." She never blamed me but implied she often overwhelmed with stress from her job, all the school groups and voluntarism she took on, and slights she knew were not significant but left her feeling sad from our relationship. She said his pursuit made her feel "wanted and pursued" and it wasn't about the sex but the feeling of being told she was "pretty/beautiful and having her feelings on stuff she didn't talk to me about being validated." I was beside myself with anger, rage, humiliation and sadly had to go one a work training event that would take me away from home much of the next month (with some visits back, the first such event in 10 years). Before leaving I called the man and texted him and he repeatedly apologized and said he loves his family more than anything and will never, ever contact my wife again. I told her I wouldn't make any decisions until I was done with training but again she quit her job without going back, swore to no-contact, begged for individual and joint consoling and any other demand I placed on her. I left but of course obsessed and looked for more information. I discovered her lies when I realized I misread the message from Facebook which wasn't from 8 months prior, but TWENTY months prior. I confronted her again and said if I got one more lie it would be over forever and she admitted the friendship began in the fall of 2011 and the physical affair in early 2012. So THREE years total, the physical was 2 1/2. It seems to jive with some other info I found. As for the sex it was about once a week or 3 times total a month with periods she said it would go 2-3 weeks without. During these years I cared for her dying father in my home, supported her in a breast cancer scare, went on countless vacations and shared a "happy" marriage. The affair was nearly all physical, they met in only 3 locations, his office, a car garage he owns at a race track that has a living space, or to my disgust my own home. She continues to deny anything happened in our bed but that a couch and area in my basement was defiled. She wore her wedding ring during the affair and in her mind "compartmentalized" the affair and tried not to consider the implications on our children or me of getting caught. To her it was like a drug being desired and the risk of the affair was part of the attraction. They never shared cards, gifts, never spoke of leaving spouses, never said they loved each other and never went a single time anywhere in public on a "date" etc. It was a "having your cake and eating it too" relationship. She claims it wasn't even "good" sex (yeah right) but more the feeling of being desired like that created something she couldn't resist.
She again quit her job without going back. She cut off all contact with the man. She dropped every single colleague she ever had from Facebook, opened all her accounts to me fully. She began buying book after book on affairs, went to consoling weekly the last month and a half and had me go 3 times with her. She replaced our entire bedroom set, the offending couch, took off her wedding bands and has begun wearing a simple one she didn't wear during the affair, threw out every single pair of underwear and bras etc. she owns and replaced them with new and has written me daily missives on her love for me and the children, growing old together, never betraying me again etc. She never blames me for anything, accepts my un-real rage for hours on end without complaint, has shown sudden interest my job and attention to me when I'm gone or home. She plans on staying as a stay at home mother from now on and "devoting myself to you and the children until I die." She has made an effort to create for the first time in nearly a decade weekly "date nights" with me using babysitters and family including nights away. She is throwing herself on me for sex and to my enjoyment (and simultaneous disgust and humiliation) it has become red hot for the first time ages going for hours on end non-stop as we never sleep. Every single thing she can do right after an affair she has done, it is almost TOO perfect if you know what I mean. No confusion, no hesistance to commit to me etc. just an instant "fix." She feels like the core of her "weakness" is that since childhood she has sought out affirmation she is "good" and so overloads herself at work, as a mother, as a wife and gets depressed but has hidden it for years on end and it resulted in her creating a double life where she sickly felt she wasn't hurting anyone but fulfilling her emotional void but having some validate her as being desired. She seems deeply remorseful not just for my pain but for the act and says over and over she wishes she could take it back.
My rage and anger hasn't let up at all. I visited a lawyer to discuss what divorce would look like for me. It would be very, very bad finically for me and everything I built for 15 years would be lost. Millions. I can't imagine NOT being able to see my children, the lights of my life, anytime I want to... that is a nightmare to imagine. But most importantly I can't imagine living without my wife. She still is the most beautiful amazing person I have ever known, I just now know this secret side of her I don't know how I can live with. I feel like the special center of my life I could always count on is gone forever now that I know what she is capable of, even IF (and that is a big IF) she doesn't do this again. While I truly believe it is over with this man for now (and she is more than willing to blow him up if I want, I think I'm finally ready to tell his wife) I have no doubts that if we struggle in the future after things settle down (think in 2-7 years) that this might happen again. If she ****ed up now or showed any of the typical confused betrayer reactions so many of you have experienced it would be easy to let go of this life but she is doing EVERYTHING she can (but in perspective there is no much she can do) to make this better and provide me comfort. I have made it crystal clear I haven't decided if I want a divorce yet but no matter what if I ever now or in the future discover a single emotional or physical betrayal no matter how small her first warning will be when she is served divorce papers.
I feel nothing I did deserved anything like this but in hindsight I regret thinking saying I love you 10 times a day was enough and not making it clear to her just how sexy and wanted she was, not making and forcing time together for just us, for keeping a life aside from our children a focus. She is to blame for all that too, but I felt it and did nothing for years and here we are.
I want to "fix this" and I want to love my wife again like I did. I just have no trust left and worst of all she isn't my "special" thing anymore. I'm not proud to introduce her to people and talk about her anymore. I constantly obsess over their sex acts, her callous disrespect for me and the children in the way she conducted the affair and if I am a man compared to her lover (and I KNOW logically I can't compete with the fake fantasy world they created in a real life marriage.) I just want to love her again and have her love me.
Is there even a chance? Am I wasting my time? If you told me in 2 years, or even 5 I would feel the way I did before I'd stay… but I am so doubtful. The worst moments for me now are the "good" ones that she is trying so hard to create, because I can't help but feel that it pales in comparison to what my best friend, my best girl, my only love did to throw it all away for so long until I caught her.
I know this has been more like a novel, but its my life, and I am so very crushed. Is there any hope for me, my children, and my relationship?
I have known my wife for 24 years, since we were 14. We moved on from good friends and began dating when we were 19 and married after both of us completed our college degrees at just age 24. Both of us come from stable two parent homes and my wife is described by everyone including me as being a loving, stable as rock friend and lover who you would consider a bedrock of ethical and moral strength.
For the first 5 years of marriage everything was beyond wonderful. We both worked full time in fulfilling careers, mine in the travel industry which took me on the road 2 to 3 nights a week. It didn't matter because we traveled the world and enjoyed our time together every moment we could. When our first child, a daughter, came along we were overjoyed. My wife went part-time and we reveled in our child but things did change. Our focus was on our kid and less on us. It seemed natural because we were both so in love with her but for me it also felt a bit sad since of course there was less time for us than before. We had very little support from family to lean on for a variety of reasons and neither of us wanted to use babysitters etc. so our life became our little family, 100% of the time. My wife and I never stopped talking, we told each other we loved each other daily, still were sleeping together several times a week (but it did get routine) and spent hours every night talking about our day and our little girl, but not so much us. After about 7 years of marriage (2 years after my daughter was born) we both decided to try for another child but then one night I accidentally saw my wife had left open a web browser of her email and there was a very mildly flirty email from a colleague at her work commenting on how sad he was to see her walk away from the room they were in a work but "the view was good". I was disturbed and so looked for more emails and found exactly one, one in which my wife told him the time it was "safe" for him to call when I would be out of town on work. I then went to our cellphone bills and saw indeed for about 2 months she was calling this guy several times a week, usually on her way to work in the morning, but sometimes at night when I was away. I immediately confronted her and she confessed immediately to an inappropriate close friend relationship to this man and said they confided in each other their concerns/troubles etc. and she knew I wouldn't like it so she concealed it. I pushed more and she admitted that she knew he was attracted to her and had once tried to kiss her but that she never went there but liked the attention and it made her feel good to have someone else "like" her. Her "concerns" were basically feeling overwhelmed with a 2 year-old and feeling unattractive and getting older (my wife is beautiful and super-fit.) I briefly contacted the man and told him never to speak to my wife again (he was unhappily married with kids) and he readily agreed. I left for a day in anger and when I got home she was on her knees begging. She immediately quit her job without even going back and never contacted the man again and believe me I was looking. Within a month I viewed what happened as a "close call" that was totally out of character with the woman I loved and reasoned nothing else happened as simply my wife had no time for anything worse, she literally was never alone without our child except at work. Our marriage seemed to go back to a comfortable and loving normal.
A year later we welcomed our second child, our son. Again we were overjoyed. My wife had already found a similar new job but now worked even less, 2 days a week, just 16 hours a week. It didn't matter because my career (which forever takes me on the road 3-4 days a week but leaves me off the other 3-4 days) was flourishing and I was making great money. We built a beautiful new and huge home from scratch and went about raising our family. My wife and I remained happy and close taking vacation after vacation with our children and attending to their every need. Private school, religious based education, sports you name it all continued for the next 6 1/2 years and I was happy in my marriage. My wife still fell asleep in my arms every night, had her every request met, and we still talked for hours each day about our days and mostly about the kids. I still felt like we lacked quality couple time and in the last 9 years since our first child was born we only "got away" for a night from the children perhaps 5-6 times (including one 4 day stint for our 10 year anniversary) which made me a bit sad but I always just felt it was our circumstance and the nature of the "phase" of our life. My wife in recent years did seem to getting more distant from me, in particular when I was on the road, seldom having much to say to me on our phone calls etc. and often acting passive aggressive towards me for small injustices she felt I had caused such as failing to clean up a room while she was at work, or if I failed to help her with the kids bath-time one night but mind you I have always contributed majorly to the family, worked my ASSOFF on the road to provide for my families every need and was the ultimate homebody running straight to my wife and kids at all times sacrificing friends and hobbies. During these years we still were having sex twice a week (she instigated 50% of the time, always seemed satisfied and never rejected me even once) but it was in hindsight still a bit too routine as seen by the occasional more passionate night.
All this leads me to 6 1/2 weeks ago when my life ended. Nearly 14 years into our marriage I tried to contact my wife while I was at work and had a schedule change. I was unable to reach her and when I used "find my friends" on my iPhone to look it said her location was unavailable. I couldn't reach her for 4 hours. Finally she "reappeared" and told me she had dropped the kids off at her mother's and had gone shopping. All those fears from 7 years ago came back. When I got home I checked the phone bill and found the same number over and over for as far back as records go. The calls were always when I was on the road or when I was home and having gone for a run. Usually about 2-4 a week, 5-20 minutes a shot. No text messages I could find by iMessages leaves no records. My wife locks her phone with the same password as mine and I searched it and found no evidence of anything but no evidence of a contact associated with the number she was calling. I paid to get who the phone belonged to and found it was a male colleague of hers and I prayed I was wrong but checking Facebook I discovered he was her "friend" but his wife (of course he was married with 4 kids) was not. Some more searching turned up a single message from 8 months back that was from my wife to him saying "please remember to delete all your calls and emails, no messages pls, I'm paranoid."
That was enough for me so I confronted her and she briefly tried to imply it was a "inappropriate" friendship again but I called bull**** on that and left. In text messages over the next few hours she admited she was sleeping with the guy when I was gone, was completely sorry, would break it off instantly, quit her job and do whatever else I asked of her etc. She confessed it was for a year and they only slept together 3 times but had grown to be "good friends" but neither ever intended to leave their spouses, just it felt good to "be wanted." She never blamed me but implied she often overwhelmed with stress from her job, all the school groups and voluntarism she took on, and slights she knew were not significant but left her feeling sad from our relationship. She said his pursuit made her feel "wanted and pursued" and it wasn't about the sex but the feeling of being told she was "pretty/beautiful and having her feelings on stuff she didn't talk to me about being validated." I was beside myself with anger, rage, humiliation and sadly had to go one a work training event that would take me away from home much of the next month (with some visits back, the first such event in 10 years). Before leaving I called the man and texted him and he repeatedly apologized and said he loves his family more than anything and will never, ever contact my wife again. I told her I wouldn't make any decisions until I was done with training but again she quit her job without going back, swore to no-contact, begged for individual and joint consoling and any other demand I placed on her. I left but of course obsessed and looked for more information. I discovered her lies when I realized I misread the message from Facebook which wasn't from 8 months prior, but TWENTY months prior. I confronted her again and said if I got one more lie it would be over forever and she admitted the friendship began in the fall of 2011 and the physical affair in early 2012. So THREE years total, the physical was 2 1/2. It seems to jive with some other info I found. As for the sex it was about once a week or 3 times total a month with periods she said it would go 2-3 weeks without. During these years I cared for her dying father in my home, supported her in a breast cancer scare, went on countless vacations and shared a "happy" marriage. The affair was nearly all physical, they met in only 3 locations, his office, a car garage he owns at a race track that has a living space, or to my disgust my own home. She continues to deny anything happened in our bed but that a couch and area in my basement was defiled. She wore her wedding ring during the affair and in her mind "compartmentalized" the affair and tried not to consider the implications on our children or me of getting caught. To her it was like a drug being desired and the risk of the affair was part of the attraction. They never shared cards, gifts, never spoke of leaving spouses, never said they loved each other and never went a single time anywhere in public on a "date" etc. It was a "having your cake and eating it too" relationship. She claims it wasn't even "good" sex (yeah right) but more the feeling of being desired like that created something she couldn't resist.
She again quit her job without going back. She cut off all contact with the man. She dropped every single colleague she ever had from Facebook, opened all her accounts to me fully. She began buying book after book on affairs, went to consoling weekly the last month and a half and had me go 3 times with her. She replaced our entire bedroom set, the offending couch, took off her wedding bands and has begun wearing a simple one she didn't wear during the affair, threw out every single pair of underwear and bras etc. she owns and replaced them with new and has written me daily missives on her love for me and the children, growing old together, never betraying me again etc. She never blames me for anything, accepts my un-real rage for hours on end without complaint, has shown sudden interest my job and attention to me when I'm gone or home. She plans on staying as a stay at home mother from now on and "devoting myself to you and the children until I die." She has made an effort to create for the first time in nearly a decade weekly "date nights" with me using babysitters and family including nights away. She is throwing herself on me for sex and to my enjoyment (and simultaneous disgust and humiliation) it has become red hot for the first time ages going for hours on end non-stop as we never sleep. Every single thing she can do right after an affair she has done, it is almost TOO perfect if you know what I mean. No confusion, no hesistance to commit to me etc. just an instant "fix." She feels like the core of her "weakness" is that since childhood she has sought out affirmation she is "good" and so overloads herself at work, as a mother, as a wife and gets depressed but has hidden it for years on end and it resulted in her creating a double life where she sickly felt she wasn't hurting anyone but fulfilling her emotional void but having some validate her as being desired. She seems deeply remorseful not just for my pain but for the act and says over and over she wishes she could take it back.
My rage and anger hasn't let up at all. I visited a lawyer to discuss what divorce would look like for me. It would be very, very bad finically for me and everything I built for 15 years would be lost. Millions. I can't imagine NOT being able to see my children, the lights of my life, anytime I want to... that is a nightmare to imagine. But most importantly I can't imagine living without my wife. She still is the most beautiful amazing person I have ever known, I just now know this secret side of her I don't know how I can live with. I feel like the special center of my life I could always count on is gone forever now that I know what she is capable of, even IF (and that is a big IF) she doesn't do this again. While I truly believe it is over with this man for now (and she is more than willing to blow him up if I want, I think I'm finally ready to tell his wife) I have no doubts that if we struggle in the future after things settle down (think in 2-7 years) that this might happen again. If she ****ed up now or showed any of the typical confused betrayer reactions so many of you have experienced it would be easy to let go of this life but she is doing EVERYTHING she can (but in perspective there is no much she can do) to make this better and provide me comfort. I have made it crystal clear I haven't decided if I want a divorce yet but no matter what if I ever now or in the future discover a single emotional or physical betrayal no matter how small her first warning will be when she is served divorce papers.
I feel nothing I did deserved anything like this but in hindsight I regret thinking saying I love you 10 times a day was enough and not making it clear to her just how sexy and wanted she was, not making and forcing time together for just us, for keeping a life aside from our children a focus. She is to blame for all that too, but I felt it and did nothing for years and here we are.
I want to "fix this" and I want to love my wife again like I did. I just have no trust left and worst of all she isn't my "special" thing anymore. I'm not proud to introduce her to people and talk about her anymore. I constantly obsess over their sex acts, her callous disrespect for me and the children in the way she conducted the affair and if I am a man compared to her lover (and I KNOW logically I can't compete with the fake fantasy world they created in a real life marriage.) I just want to love her again and have her love me.
Is there even a chance? Am I wasting my time? If you told me in 2 years, or even 5 I would feel the way I did before I'd stay… but I am so doubtful. The worst moments for me now are the "good" ones that she is trying so hard to create, because I can't help but feel that it pales in comparison to what my best friend, my best girl, my only love did to throw it all away for so long until I caught her.
I know this has been more like a novel, but its my life, and I am so very crushed. Is there any hope for me, my children, and my relationship?
Put the internet to work for you.
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