Prudence gives the reader good advice, the reader really seems to lack remorse.
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Q. Husband Wants an Open Marriage: A few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame. He moved out and initiated divorce proceedings, but in the time since, I was able to convince him that I am truly repentant and to give our marriage another chance for the sake of our children. The problem I have now is that he says that if we are to stay married, he wants it to be an open marriage. I've tried to tell him that I've gotten that out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him, but he says there just isn't any way he can ever trust me again, he doesn't feel an obligation to be faithful to me anymore, and at least this way we're being honest about it. Prudie, it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman. I just want things to go back to how they used to be. How can I convince him that we need to be completely committed to each other in order for this to work?
A: I assume you were the little girl who wouldn't let anyone else play with your toys, but you insisted on hogging everyone else's. I agree that couples can have various understandings about fidelity, but the key is being in agreement. It's perfectly understandable that the betrayed partner in a formerly monogamous relationship might want to step out him or herself. But this kind of score-settling is unlikely to heal the breach. But you have some nerve demanding that "things go back to how they used to be." You strayed and only found religion upon being discovered. It sounds as if without the affair being revealed you would have been perfectly happy with a seemingly placid marriage and a reignited flame on the side. Whatever happens, things will never be just as they used to be, and that is the first lesson you need to truly absorb. Especially when there are children involved, I don't think the dissolution of a marriage should be the natural consequence of a single instance of infidelity. But you seem to want no consequences for your actions. It could be that you and your husband should simply be separated for a while—without the threat of divorce hanging over your heads—to see how each of you feel about this new status. While you do that, I will naturally recommend couples counseling. It sounds as if you both need a third party to help you communicate and to hold a mirror up to the consequences of each of your actions.
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Q. Husband Wants an Open Marriage: A few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame. He moved out and initiated divorce proceedings, but in the time since, I was able to convince him that I am truly repentant and to give our marriage another chance for the sake of our children. The problem I have now is that he says that if we are to stay married, he wants it to be an open marriage. I've tried to tell him that I've gotten that out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him, but he says there just isn't any way he can ever trust me again, he doesn't feel an obligation to be faithful to me anymore, and at least this way we're being honest about it. Prudie, it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman. I just want things to go back to how they used to be. How can I convince him that we need to be completely committed to each other in order for this to work?
A: I assume you were the little girl who wouldn't let anyone else play with your toys, but you insisted on hogging everyone else's. I agree that couples can have various understandings about fidelity, but the key is being in agreement. It's perfectly understandable that the betrayed partner in a formerly monogamous relationship might want to step out him or herself. But this kind of score-settling is unlikely to heal the breach. But you have some nerve demanding that "things go back to how they used to be." You strayed and only found religion upon being discovered. It sounds as if without the affair being revealed you would have been perfectly happy with a seemingly placid marriage and a reignited flame on the side. Whatever happens, things will never be just as they used to be, and that is the first lesson you need to truly absorb. Especially when there are children involved, I don't think the dissolution of a marriage should be the natural consequence of a single instance of infidelity. But you seem to want no consequences for your actions. It could be that you and your husband should simply be separated for a while—without the threat of divorce hanging over your heads—to see how each of you feel about this new status. While you do that, I will naturally recommend couples counseling. It sounds as if you both need a third party to help you communicate and to hold a mirror up to the consequences of each of your actions.
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