Hi folks,
I've been wanting to join in and offer my fair share of advice and opinions on here since I have been finding some solace in reading many of the threads together with the help that's been offered. However, I have been so confused about my own situation that I don't even know where to begin.
My marriage is on the rocks – no question; it doesn't seem like it's going rise above the surface and recover but I truly don't know and I don't know what to do. I used to feel that I had finally been blessed with the perfect life partner and we did have the kind of relationship that made other couples come to us for advice, looking at us as the perfect couple. Not because we didn't have any hiccups in our relationship, but because we had so many and had gone through so many difficult situations and came out on top, stronger and closer.
Well, now that's all a thing of the past when I got the "I don't love you anymore" speech the other month. What's worse is that as I've thought about the situation more and more, I have to admit it comes down to me committing the most basic relationship killers. It became a co-dependent relationship and I let life's troubles get on top of me instead of the other way around.
I started to write down the events as they progressed and my feelings with the intention of sharing my experience and seeking support on the forum whilst also offering my story as either a lesson in some way, regardless of the outcome of my personal situation. However, the post would have been ridiculously long and I'll just offer up a summary of what's happened and perhaps build on that as necessary throughout the thread.
Got engaged and lived together for a decade, tied the knot on our anniversary, bought a house together a year or so later and then started trying for a family.. marital bliss! I felt untouchable at times - as though nothing could get me down. Oh, how wrong I was! Never underestimate self-sabbotage when it is veiled as selfless support. In order to achieve financial stability and help my wife start her own business I worked hard to take care of all the finances at the expense of all myself. I gave up all hobbies and interests; I gave up prospects of a career and succumbed to staying a secure but energy-zapping and demoralising job for the sake of "security" hoping that success will just eventually happen if I persevere. Nope. Looking back, I became a shell of myself, flopping on the sofa after work and just "being" in a relationship rather than "doing" anything for it. Entitlement issues, complacency, lack of self-respect, a constant negative attitude about everything. Wow.. just writing that down and looking at my behaviour objectively it's no wonder that my wife feels I was not supportive.
Anyhow, add to that a really poor start to the year with all sorts of financial (and otherwise) crises to deal with as well as a miscarriage and there's a recipe for the brew of emotional detachment that occurred leading to the "I don't love you" conversation.
That conversation was a very difficult but dignified discussion. We both agreed with one another about the state of things and I was able to look at it objectively and have a level of empathy with my wife. After that we continued and I tried to show my affection, to display my feelings as I had when I was first dating her, to really try to communicate and connect emotionally. There was a new found honesty in the relationship (which was really brutal at times as you can imagine). There were moments of magic where we shared deep moments of connection even to the point of sharing the same dreams on a few occasions! Add to that a renewed, raw and frankly, amazing physical intimacy.. you'd think that the rebuilding of a stronger and altogether better relationship was in progress but outside of these wonderful moments, most of the time my wife would emotionally shut down towards me and demand space. Space and time for oneself is something that I have ALWAYS respected in this relationship but this time it felt different. Entire days of needing space and a strong barrier if I intruded or requested time together. So, regrettably, I started to panic a bit and display my weaknesses.
I really wish I hadn't – I showed vulnerability which would have looked like neediness and desperation; I reacted to her mood swings with defensiveness and pointless arguing on a couple of occasions. That's when I realised that I was still behaving in a co-dependent manner (with the "hot" behaviours on the thermostat analogy). Although I had made some personal progress in reclaiming some of my passion in life and working on my confidence and self-respect, I was still hurting and my outbursts of emotional instability were damaging any chance of rebuilding my marriage. So I initiated no-contact and moved out temporarily to give us both space, leaving it on good terms with all of the good moments that I described above.
It's not a strict NC but we're respecting each other's space. It's not been long but I had to pick up some essentials and we ended up talking. There were smiles and laughter but some hard hitting truths. My wife's happy on her own and not missing me, full of positivity and wanting to move on in life. Although it feels as though she's checked out of this marriage already she doesn't believe in making a decision before she knows for certain there are no feelings to work on. Right now she understands that because of the way it's been recently, she has shut down her emotions in an effort to protect her feelings from hurt and all loving emotions for me have gone in the process. She believes that until she goes through self-discovery, gaining self-respect and healing she can't open up to regain any trust in me and when she does get to the point where she wants to be in life (emotionally), she's unsure if she'll ever have feelings for me. Meanwhile I have a new job opportunity that will take me away most of the time and will mean relocating. Yeah.. *sigh*
I'll end my story there for now because I really haven't got a clue what to do. I want to do the right thing and I do love my wife more than I could ever but in words or any other form of artistic expression; I want to say that I love and respect her enough to let her go if she was truly happy without me.. but I just think that we're both on a path of personal development and we are both growing as individuals – to work on the relationship, however hard and however long it takes, would just seem to lead to a marriage worth keeping for life. Given how great this relationship used to be, I'd want to see it work and look back on this period as a time where we made our marriage the best rather than looking back and realising we both grew but we grew apart.
Sorry to waffle on. Please, if you can offer perspective or advice, I'd welcome anything. Really need to share at the moment.. feeling confused and lost and alone.
I've been wanting to join in and offer my fair share of advice and opinions on here since I have been finding some solace in reading many of the threads together with the help that's been offered. However, I have been so confused about my own situation that I don't even know where to begin.
My marriage is on the rocks – no question; it doesn't seem like it's going rise above the surface and recover but I truly don't know and I don't know what to do. I used to feel that I had finally been blessed with the perfect life partner and we did have the kind of relationship that made other couples come to us for advice, looking at us as the perfect couple. Not because we didn't have any hiccups in our relationship, but because we had so many and had gone through so many difficult situations and came out on top, stronger and closer.
Well, now that's all a thing of the past when I got the "I don't love you anymore" speech the other month. What's worse is that as I've thought about the situation more and more, I have to admit it comes down to me committing the most basic relationship killers. It became a co-dependent relationship and I let life's troubles get on top of me instead of the other way around.
I started to write down the events as they progressed and my feelings with the intention of sharing my experience and seeking support on the forum whilst also offering my story as either a lesson in some way, regardless of the outcome of my personal situation. However, the post would have been ridiculously long and I'll just offer up a summary of what's happened and perhaps build on that as necessary throughout the thread.
Got engaged and lived together for a decade, tied the knot on our anniversary, bought a house together a year or so later and then started trying for a family.. marital bliss! I felt untouchable at times - as though nothing could get me down. Oh, how wrong I was! Never underestimate self-sabbotage when it is veiled as selfless support. In order to achieve financial stability and help my wife start her own business I worked hard to take care of all the finances at the expense of all myself. I gave up all hobbies and interests; I gave up prospects of a career and succumbed to staying a secure but energy-zapping and demoralising job for the sake of "security" hoping that success will just eventually happen if I persevere. Nope. Looking back, I became a shell of myself, flopping on the sofa after work and just "being" in a relationship rather than "doing" anything for it. Entitlement issues, complacency, lack of self-respect, a constant negative attitude about everything. Wow.. just writing that down and looking at my behaviour objectively it's no wonder that my wife feels I was not supportive.
Anyhow, add to that a really poor start to the year with all sorts of financial (and otherwise) crises to deal with as well as a miscarriage and there's a recipe for the brew of emotional detachment that occurred leading to the "I don't love you" conversation.
That conversation was a very difficult but dignified discussion. We both agreed with one another about the state of things and I was able to look at it objectively and have a level of empathy with my wife. After that we continued and I tried to show my affection, to display my feelings as I had when I was first dating her, to really try to communicate and connect emotionally. There was a new found honesty in the relationship (which was really brutal at times as you can imagine). There were moments of magic where we shared deep moments of connection even to the point of sharing the same dreams on a few occasions! Add to that a renewed, raw and frankly, amazing physical intimacy.. you'd think that the rebuilding of a stronger and altogether better relationship was in progress but outside of these wonderful moments, most of the time my wife would emotionally shut down towards me and demand space. Space and time for oneself is something that I have ALWAYS respected in this relationship but this time it felt different. Entire days of needing space and a strong barrier if I intruded or requested time together. So, regrettably, I started to panic a bit and display my weaknesses.
I really wish I hadn't – I showed vulnerability which would have looked like neediness and desperation; I reacted to her mood swings with defensiveness and pointless arguing on a couple of occasions. That's when I realised that I was still behaving in a co-dependent manner (with the "hot" behaviours on the thermostat analogy). Although I had made some personal progress in reclaiming some of my passion in life and working on my confidence and self-respect, I was still hurting and my outbursts of emotional instability were damaging any chance of rebuilding my marriage. So I initiated no-contact and moved out temporarily to give us both space, leaving it on good terms with all of the good moments that I described above.
It's not a strict NC but we're respecting each other's space. It's not been long but I had to pick up some essentials and we ended up talking. There were smiles and laughter but some hard hitting truths. My wife's happy on her own and not missing me, full of positivity and wanting to move on in life. Although it feels as though she's checked out of this marriage already she doesn't believe in making a decision before she knows for certain there are no feelings to work on. Right now she understands that because of the way it's been recently, she has shut down her emotions in an effort to protect her feelings from hurt and all loving emotions for me have gone in the process. She believes that until she goes through self-discovery, gaining self-respect and healing she can't open up to regain any trust in me and when she does get to the point where she wants to be in life (emotionally), she's unsure if she'll ever have feelings for me. Meanwhile I have a new job opportunity that will take me away most of the time and will mean relocating. Yeah.. *sigh*
I'll end my story there for now because I really haven't got a clue what to do. I want to do the right thing and I do love my wife more than I could ever but in words or any other form of artistic expression; I want to say that I love and respect her enough to let her go if she was truly happy without me.. but I just think that we're both on a path of personal development and we are both growing as individuals – to work on the relationship, however hard and however long it takes, would just seem to lead to a marriage worth keeping for life. Given how great this relationship used to be, I'd want to see it work and look back on this period as a time where we made our marriage the best rather than looking back and realising we both grew but we grew apart.
Sorry to waffle on. Please, if you can offer perspective or advice, I'd welcome anything. Really need to share at the moment.. feeling confused and lost and alone.
Put the internet to work for you.
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