This is an odd story, and I'm unsure how to move forward. My wife has recently changed for the better, but I'm angrier and more distant than I can remember being.
Back story- Married for 12 years after dating for two. (My second, her first.) When we met she was coming out of an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. (I was unaware of the extent until much later.)
Things were good while we were dating. We engaged in a variety of fun sexual things, and everything was on the table, so to speak. Things did run hot and cold sexually, and she had some trouble orgasming for the first year or so we were together- found out later this was due to her past.
After we were engaged she shared some of her abusive past, which explained some sexual issues. I suggested she go to counseling, which we did together. This helped minimally, but there was a tiny bit of progress... for a month or two, and the it went right back to the way things were. We stopped the counseling when we moved and lost our health insurance.
After being married for a year or so and having more sexual problems- fading interest, duty sex- my W shared with me that she had basically been forced to have sex/oral sex by her ex- including her first time. (It was not rape, but it was under coercion.)
At this point, I strongly suggested counseling, but I also backed off of demanding things change sexually, as I felt it was more important that she deal with these issues. She went to counseling for a short time, but her behavior did change- again a tiny amount and for a month or so.
About 18 months into our marriage my W told me she no longer wanted to give or receive oral sex. She explained that this was due to her abusive past. She was not open to talking about this. Whenever I would try to talk about it and explain how I was feeling about this, she would end up sobbing- as in heaving sobs. I was angry but also trying to understand her abusive past and again urging counseling.
After a couple of years of maybe once a month duty sex and nothing else ( and her not in counseling), I began to get VERY resentful. It was at this point that my wife discovered she was infertile-basically- which crushed her. I made the decision to work with her on the infertility issues with the idea being that we would aggressively deal with the sexual issues after we got things figured out. Well, the infertility issues lasted for three years and wound up being much more complicated than we expected. So basically sex was terrible for the five years we were married - except for this few months when she would make a big effort to change. When we did have sex it was terrible-duty sex and not much else. She would turn me down about 80-90% of the time. I struggled with confidence issues and the lack of emotional connection with my wife.
Right after our daughter was born, she started talking about having another child, and I said, "F*ck that! We either deal with our sexual problems or I am leaving." This absolutely shocked her- she calls it one f the hardest times in her life.
We then went to a couple of sex counselors for several years, which helped things a bit. She was at least now somewhat engaged in our sexual activity, and she would once in a blue moon ask for sex. Still no oral sex or much else. She would turn me down around 30-40% of the time.
Fast forward to August- we moved to another country, which was stressful, but some of her old sexual behaviors came back. I basically said, "We either fix this or I am leaving." After many tears she began to go to counseling in earnest. She read everything she could get her hands on about sex and abuse. She read about men and women's perception of sex, she worked on healing herself for her, which was a huge change.
Things greatly improved at this point. She was very engaged, brought back oral sex on my and the counselor's urging, almost never said no, initiated, etc... Everything is cool, right? No.
At this point, I have become very angry about what has gone on with our sexual past. (Which I realize is something I did not deal with at the time.) I'm VERY angry at myself for letting this go for so long. I feel like I was incredibly weak, which makes me feel emasculated. I'm also very angry at my wife that it took until I had one foot out the door before she decided to put her full energy into healing. All the years where we were both hurting were such a f*cking waste of time.
So, I'm not interested in sex with my W, and I'm seriously thinking of being on my own.
(And before I get the ridiculous question that is asked or hinted at on every thread on this board, No, neither of us has ever had an affair.)
Any input?
Back story- Married for 12 years after dating for two. (My second, her first.) When we met she was coming out of an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. (I was unaware of the extent until much later.)
Things were good while we were dating. We engaged in a variety of fun sexual things, and everything was on the table, so to speak. Things did run hot and cold sexually, and she had some trouble orgasming for the first year or so we were together- found out later this was due to her past.
After we were engaged she shared some of her abusive past, which explained some sexual issues. I suggested she go to counseling, which we did together. This helped minimally, but there was a tiny bit of progress... for a month or two, and the it went right back to the way things were. We stopped the counseling when we moved and lost our health insurance.
After being married for a year or so and having more sexual problems- fading interest, duty sex- my W shared with me that she had basically been forced to have sex/oral sex by her ex- including her first time. (It was not rape, but it was under coercion.)
At this point, I strongly suggested counseling, but I also backed off of demanding things change sexually, as I felt it was more important that she deal with these issues. She went to counseling for a short time, but her behavior did change- again a tiny amount and for a month or so.
About 18 months into our marriage my W told me she no longer wanted to give or receive oral sex. She explained that this was due to her abusive past. She was not open to talking about this. Whenever I would try to talk about it and explain how I was feeling about this, she would end up sobbing- as in heaving sobs. I was angry but also trying to understand her abusive past and again urging counseling.
After a couple of years of maybe once a month duty sex and nothing else ( and her not in counseling), I began to get VERY resentful. It was at this point that my wife discovered she was infertile-basically- which crushed her. I made the decision to work with her on the infertility issues with the idea being that we would aggressively deal with the sexual issues after we got things figured out. Well, the infertility issues lasted for three years and wound up being much more complicated than we expected. So basically sex was terrible for the five years we were married - except for this few months when she would make a big effort to change. When we did have sex it was terrible-duty sex and not much else. She would turn me down about 80-90% of the time. I struggled with confidence issues and the lack of emotional connection with my wife.
Right after our daughter was born, she started talking about having another child, and I said, "F*ck that! We either deal with our sexual problems or I am leaving." This absolutely shocked her- she calls it one f the hardest times in her life.
We then went to a couple of sex counselors for several years, which helped things a bit. She was at least now somewhat engaged in our sexual activity, and she would once in a blue moon ask for sex. Still no oral sex or much else. She would turn me down around 30-40% of the time.
Fast forward to August- we moved to another country, which was stressful, but some of her old sexual behaviors came back. I basically said, "We either fix this or I am leaving." After many tears she began to go to counseling in earnest. She read everything she could get her hands on about sex and abuse. She read about men and women's perception of sex, she worked on healing herself for her, which was a huge change.
Things greatly improved at this point. She was very engaged, brought back oral sex on my and the counselor's urging, almost never said no, initiated, etc... Everything is cool, right? No.
At this point, I have become very angry about what has gone on with our sexual past. (Which I realize is something I did not deal with at the time.) I'm VERY angry at myself for letting this go for so long. I feel like I was incredibly weak, which makes me feel emasculated. I'm also very angry at my wife that it took until I had one foot out the door before she decided to put her full energy into healing. All the years where we were both hurting were such a f*cking waste of time.
So, I'm not interested in sex with my W, and I'm seriously thinking of being on my own.
(And before I get the ridiculous question that is asked or hinted at on every thread on this board, No, neither of us has ever had an affair.)
Any input?
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